Husband stonewalls me

[Newbie321ace]

I don’t know where to go from here. I love my husband and we’ve been together almost 14 years, married for 8. My issue (recurring issue) is that if we have an argument, he doesn't argue healthily and I feel like it's really, really affecting me. We occasionally argue (which often involves him blaming me for the argument, or causing me argumentative, or calling me 'mad' or 'crazy'). The issue his he with then stonewall and ignore me afterwards.
He doesn’t ignore me completely but withholds affection, contact, won't make eye contact, and if he says something it’s in a stern voice. This might be for a day or two - always overnight at least, and sometimes for a week. For instance he " might" be going away for work this week, but he won't tell me the details - when / if it's certain or not / etc, etc.
I want us to talk to someone to hear each others' point of view, but he seems to think I need to go to see someone on my own. I used to get much more upset about all of this, but recently I have suddenly realised that it's not me - it's him. Yes, it's not ideal to argue, but the odd argument isn't the end of the world. Don't other couples argue and make up again? We argue and I'm left feeling like it's all my fault for having a different point of view about something. He will say things like "Shush" and "Calm down" and other patronising things - I think he just doesn't understand that those things completely annoy and frustrate me.

You need to get ballistically angry with him. Not upset. You need to be RAGING. You need to aim that this will stop because you are no longer going to tolerate it

This isn't good advice. A toxic man will use your anger against you and given you have a child he can paint you as unstable.

Op, please read some books, Lundy & Patricia Evans, "the verbally abusive relationship" Both will help you to understand what you are dealing with and validate your feelings. I went through similar and it's soul destroying.

What I learned was that these toxic individuals are not seeking a mutually beneficial relationship - he doesn't want harmony or conflict resolution. He wants you on edge, feeling unsettled as he doesn't view the relationship as equal.

Everytime you offer an alternative view he will feel threatened. It is about control - oddly these abusive men believe they are being controlled (you make him call you when away, you want to know when & where he is going) these actions are normal in most relationships but to a toxic person it's about who is in control.

You can't fix this. That's very sad but it's reality. You may not be there yet to accept this. Read some books, keep a (secret) journal as it will help to validate your feelings.

When you try to have a discussion don't react to his anger (toxic men are very angry but have learned to suppress it, often to maintain their image) a good phrase is JADE, don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Also don't absorb his anger, observe how he is reacting.

Take care of yourself - go for walks, do yoga, mediation and get solo counselling.
Get yourself financial independent. I left when I realised he was trying to manipulate the children into believing I was "crazy". Whilst it's not ideal to have divorced parents my dc are much healthier emotionally because they are not witnessing their Dad being emotionally abusive to their mum.

You still want to stay with a man who disappears then tells you to fuck off?

Raise the bar, OP. Raise the bar.

Stop chasing this man around and begging him to love and respect you. Seriously.

Your DD can't have two parents who respect each other because you can't make your husband respect you. He fundamentally doesn't love and respect you. He won't change, there's nothing in it for him. Your DD will be better off with two parents who are not together, but who love her.

I can guarantee that once you stop caring he will change.
Your dp has all the power atm.
Act like you don't give a shit. Your life will be much less stressful.

In the long term though you need to leave.

*You still want to stay with a man who disappears then tells you to fuck off?

Raise the bar, OP. Raise the bar.*

Exactly this. He sounds utterly repulsive.

He will never change. You deserve so much better.

Unfortunately your son will pay the price for you not accepting your reality.

You are in a highly abusive relationship with a man who can't be fixed.

His repeatedly call you mad etc., will irreparably damage your MH.

You need to get solo counselling to help you do the right thing.

Your need for a happy nuclear family despite the blatant reality of a highly abusive one, will mean your child pays a terrible price.

Fix yourself so you can find the strength to protect your poor child.

Stop focusing on fixing an abusive man.

Start focusing on protecting your child.

This is the harsh, but ultimately empowering truth.

If a man is treating you with a lack of care, respect and love, it says nothing about your value but everything about his.

It can be hard to get your head around this as - as you have said - he blames you for his behaviour and his failure to show care and love - but you have enough self-esteem to register that no, this isn’t normal. You’re not crazy, but sometimes it feels easier to accept that idea than to believe that someone you love isn’t right in the head or heart.

You must think of yourself and your son. You deserve better than this poor treatment and blatant disrespect and your son deserves a better relationship role model than learning that men can ignore women when they don’t like what they say, and a woman’s role is to absorb blame and walk on eggshells.

If you want your son to grow up with parents who love and respect each other then you need to find a partner who does respect you. Because this one doesn't and he's not even trying to hide it.

You can't change someone who is abusive because they know they are and they just don't care. Please stop thinking therapy will suddenly change your husband into someone who magically respects you.

The only way he will respect you is if you leave him. Then you might realise it was the best decision you've ever made.

Please stop the misogyny passing onto another generation to your son. You owe him that much to protect him from.

Stonewalling and giving you the silent treatment for daring to disagree with him is abuse.

Hi Op. normally a lurker but ive been in your position and cant scroll by. Nothing you do will change how he is. You will spend time thinking of ideas how to resolve this- counselling, written agreements, new ways to communicate. None of these will work as it means he has to change. i went through all this, spending hours of time believing that if we could do this it would work. It wont. The only way i got out was when i got counselling. I started it in the midst of a stonewalling ( about a week in), and continued every week. I was surprised that the focus of the sessions was on me, not on him. How little respect i had for myself, why was i accepting this behaviour. Over time my thought process changed. I also started a diary which i had for 3 years and still have now when i have a weak moment and need to reflect back. I started counselling in the midst of a stonewall and it took me another year until i was fully able to extract myself completely from the control and leave completely. My counsellor was like a hand hold. I arranged the sessions as and when i needed extra support and would apply my new knowledge. She supported me in the relationship and out of it. Youtube vidoes also helped me as well as lots of reading.
i can still easily justify his behaviour- he doesn't mean it, Hes not well, he has so many good qualities, but ultimately i know deep down that it was not right. Start your journey now and build up your strength to leave. You'll thank yourself in years to come. Good luck xx

'If anyone has any suggestions on how to find a good therapist, or other professional support, I'd be so grateful.'

He sounds like a man who doesn't know how to communicate his feelings. A common feature in many relationships no? It's not your job to help him. Therapy/counselling however, could.
Could you go to couple counselling?
They'll help guide you through the communication issue so that he can see why his 'wall building' hurts you. And you'll learn what he needs too. A safe place for you both to be completely open.

How to find a good one? Research- go through local organisations and professional bodies- some guidance here www.counselling-directory.org.uk/accreditation.html#registrationaccreditation
Don't settle, look around for someone you both like and trust.

I'd take the angle that you want your son to learn that relationships take work and that historically men have found it harder to share their feelings. Seeing his dad open up would surely be the best.

That said, if he isn't willing to change and 'work' through your problems.....well that's different. But it sounds like you want to put the work in.

You can't change someone who is abusive because they know they are and they just don't care.

Actually, I think a lot of abusers don't actually know they're abusive - they actually think what they are doing is fine, and they're right to behave that way. That's why it's so hard to get through to them. They do not understand that their behaviour is problematic, and they feel entitled to behave the way they do.

This is in no way an excuse for their behaviour. If you have told someone that their behaviour is hurtful to you, and they do not take it on board, it is because they don't care if you find their behaviour hurtful. They think you are the real problem.

If you truly do not believe that you are the person with a problem, the answer is not to stay and try to convince your partner of their problem. It is to take care of yourself and leave the abusive situation.

LOL how many 'actually's can I put in one sentence.

It's abuse op. He does it to stop you disagreeing with him, he's punishing you for disagreeing with him. The more he does this the less likely you are to disagree because you'll try to keep the peace, which means agreeing with him.

Unless he will speak about it, he won't change, because he doesn't want to.

You can try losing your rag and getting angry, or you can ignore him back, but he'll continue to do this as it serves a purpose for him.