Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Looked at escorts online

73 replies

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:14

Hi,
I really need some objective insight and feedback on this situation. I have a fiancé and we share
a home in England. Fiancé (age 54) came back home from visiting his grown son in Canada (where fiancé is from originally). As soon as he got back home I picked up his tablet to look something up and an escort website popped up!
It was for a higher end call girl service (in the town fiancé was visiting son, and also where fiancé visits every few months). I have never seen any of his web history prior to this and we have only been living together for one year when this happened. So I saw that he looked at 18 different profiles of escorts but I didn’t see where he had contacted anyone or anything like that. But he was clearly looking at many profiles! When I asked him about it he was mortified and he said that he had been clearing out his old emails while visiting his son and that some porn emails popped up and also the escort site just popped up and so he looked at it out of curiosity. He said it was a pop up and he only looked but I feel like looking at 18 pages of profiles is quite a bit. He said he had no idea that escorts would ever even be online which I find very hard to believe.
i just don’t know what to think. He had a previous marriage of over 20 years. Any advice?

OP posts:
Gamezup · 24/10/2022 00:24

He is lying. Have you checked his mobile phone to see if he has rung any? If not his phone, the itemized bill so you can google the numbers he rang? Then you would know. Be ready for the usual bs you will hear from him, the same from all men who get caught out doing this.
Dump him before he breaks your heart, ruin your life and make you ill. It happened to me so I can speak from experience.

kateandme · 24/10/2022 00:30

You don’t stay with him.he’s shown you who he is. Don’t waste any mor time on him.go live.

Original poster
Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 00:42

I don’t know really how to check because it’s all foreign numbers to me etc. Sorry this happened to you as well! It’s really shocking.

OP posts:
ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 00:44

Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 00:17

I really don’t want to spend years of my life wondering and not being able to trust him. What’s the point of that.

You know the trust is gone. The options are to rebiuld it together or walk away

When I was super lonely I looked at dating sites. I wondered who I might date if I left, not who I could pay for sex....

Original poster
Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 00:47

Well exactly. There’s really only one reason to be scoping an escort site.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2022 00:49

FFS, op, you already know what you need to do. He is grasping at straws, hoping you are stupid enough to fall for the bullshit he's telling you. He's a cheater, and has always been a cheater. Is this really what you want for your life??

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 00:50

Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 00:47

Well exactly. There’s really only one reason to be scoping an escort site.

Exactly. You are trying to find a path because it's hard, but you know what to do

Twawmyarse · 24/10/2022 00:57

His poor son - probably the only “issues” he has are the fact he has a cheating, lying excuse for a father who throws him under the bus to anyone who’ll listen to try and paint him as a liar to minimise his past unsavoury behaviour!

id be having a conversation with the ex-wife (willing to bet he’s painted her as a nutter?) or the son and listening very carefully to what they have to say. That’s if I could be arsed, you’d probably be better just ending things and not dragging it out. Also remember that often the things such as you found are just the tip of the iceberg.

Original poster
Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 02:36

Honestly I can’t be arsed! Life is too short to live it with someone whom you can’t trust. Plus it’s just really sleazy.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 08:04

Son also called him a “serial cheater” which fiancé said was just to get him upset. They don’t have a good relationship but I don’t see why his son would make that up honestly.

I don't either.

No offence but it wasn't the wisest thing to keep seeing this man, get into property with him, and get engaged when he's got a son saying that to him, who doesn't really have a reason to lie. Why believe him when he does.

And now, hey presto, he's looking like a cheater.

PeaceX · 24/10/2022 08:08

What a turn off. I couldn't overlook it so it'd be the end for me.

With regard the son having issues, not being heard and being branded mad or a liar can make you act mad. I know. Everybody knows!

Everytime they call me 'Angry' I get more angry

LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 08:15

I wonder why the relationship with the woman he left his ex wife for didn't work out

Original poster
Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 08:16

I don’t take any offense. However I didn’t know ANY of this until we already had the property and were already engaged and living together. I discovered this stuff a year afterwards.

OP posts:
Artygirlghost · 24/10/2022 08:52

Well, you know what you have to do, don't you?

Of course he is lying and this is just part of a long-established pattern of cheating and lying/gaslighting to cover it up.

At least you have discovered the truth now.

Leave him and move on.

Suzi9989 · 24/10/2022 09:13

If you truly believe him, no point discussing on here. Can he give you full transparency and let you access ALL statements for credit cards, bank statements etc. Escorts costs money...

If you have doubt, it'll be hard to trust him again. Pls look at the facts and see if this is something you'd put up with?! Especially he goes 'home' frequently

LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 09:15

Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 08:16

I don’t take any offense. However I didn’t know ANY of this until we already had the property and were already engaged and living together. I discovered this stuff a year afterwards.

That is shit, sorry.

To me there's a good chance this man is using prostitutes when he's back in Canada.

Even if not, his behaviour in browsing them s certainly enough to make anyone very uncomfortable. I wonder how comfortable he'd be if you were browsing 18 male escorts, locally based, while he was away on his trips.

There's also the fact that he apparently has a history of infidelity and is a risk for general infidelity too.

LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 09:18

Can he give you full transparency and let you access ALL statements for credit cards, bank statements etc. Escorts costs money...

He could have used cash. Prostitutes are paid in various ways.

In the UK a lot of the punters appear (from UK punting) to pay in cash upfront at the start of the "punt" and the cash is taken out of the room and given to an associate of the prostitute (presumably because some men are rather likely to try to take it back, and from a physically weaker person who'll probably not be able to stop them).

If it's cash, it's going to be v hard to prove what cash withdrawals were used for, he could have an excuse for any.

firstmummy2019 · 24/10/2022 09:32

Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 00:42

I don’t know really how to check because it’s all foreign numbers to me etc. Sorry this happened to you as well! It’s really shocking.

You google the number without any spaces.

LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 09:43

In terms of the numbers; all I could suggest is that you text or WhatsApp them asking a leading, generic question like "do you have any availability?", "What are your services?" Etc. and see what they come back with. If they come back with something to the effect of "dunno what you're talking about, huh?, Who is this?' etc. you can clarify who they are and make up an excuse like "oh sorry thought this was a sports masseur's number (or whatever BS you can think of).

If it's prostitutes the likely answers will be yes/no/dates and times (to the availability question), and list of services or referral to their profile/web page (to the services question). If you want to confirm it's a prostitute you could act clueless and say you've got numbers mixed up, which one are they again/which profile is theirs again.

It could he a laborious, awkward process. Some might not reply.

You might at least find out if he phoned/messages prostitutes' numbers though.

LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 09:45

firstmummy2019 · 24/10/2022 09:32

You google the number without any spaces.

Show quote history

You'd imagine not all prostitutes might have numbers online, they might require an email in which they then supply a number.

But I'm not sure.

LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 09:46

The thing is, as well op, that unless you've screen shotted calls from his phone before he was confronted, he's going to have deleted any incrimmating calls or messages.

(Or unless you can get access to an itemised phone bill).

LemonDrop22 · 24/10/2022 09:49

Surely anyone he knows will be in his phone under a contact name. So it's the unnamed numbers that you could focus on.

Bearing in mind however that a resourceful cheater will save the numbers under other innocuous sounding things.

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 11:20

Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 08:16

I don’t take any offense. However I didn’t know ANY of this until we already had the property and were already engaged and living together. I discovered this stuff a year afterwards.

And that's fucking hard. But you know now what he is. The question is, how much do you respect yourself???

Nothing but love. Stand up for yourself. You deserve it

KettrickenSmiled · 24/10/2022 12:34

and also the escort site just popped up and so he looked at it out of curiosity. He said it was a pop up and he only looked but I feel like looking at 18 pages of profiles is quite a bit.
The Script, down to a T.
They ALL say this OP.

He said he had no idea that escorts would ever even be online which I find very hard to believe.
Does he think you are stupid? I would nbin him for that level of disrespect to your intelligence alone.

i just don’t know what to think. He had a previous marriage of over 20 years. Any advice?
You know what to think - you are already thinking it.
He went onto an escort site when he thought he could 'safely' play away from home, & looked at 18 different profiles.
His previous marriage is nothing to do with you & has no bearing on your situation. For all you know he was shagging escorts behind his wife's back.

He left his wife for another woman and I know His adult son sent him texts calling his dad a cheater from past behavior. But fiance says his son makes up a lot of things.
Well he would say that wouldn't he?

Don't marry this cheater OP.

Original poster
Shannon771 · 24/10/2022 16:25

Thank you so much to everyone for all the tips and suggestions. It would be nearly impossible to account for any cash withdrawals. He has a lot of resources and could easily say it’s for trip money or his family outings etc. He also has more than one cell phone and I don’t have the energy to be a sleuth especially in another country. He comes across as a gentleman, and the type that would absolutely despise cheaters or any kind. He was highly respected in his field for having values and integrity. That was what stood out to me the most when we were dating. However there can always be more to the story. I have also seen more and more that his go to tactic is to turn things around and point the finger so he is not to blame. This is a true character flaw in him. As a partner he has always been very attentive and good to me. He has many good qualities.
He’s also very passive and more covert, or perhaps even sneaky so this could be someone who would do this type of sneaky behavior. The only incriminating thing I saw in all the history was this escort site. But that sure leaves a huge level of mistrust and doubt. Plus it’s a huge turnoff! It also makes me realize another thing that happened. When we first started dating (we met online) and he was really eager to become exclusive. That happened after about two months and then you are supposed to take down or make your profile invisible. Well I saw that his profile was still visible (he surely thought it was hidden, but to the people he had already communicated with it still showed as visible). That was a big red flag and when I called him out on that he completely and adamantly states that he didn’t know how the site worked, and then became upset with me for accusing him of doing so. He said he thought it was inactive and didn’t know why it wasn’t. It’s possible that’s true because he is careless in that way. However I feel like it was a question mark and also that he got upset with me (saying it was really difficult to be accused of something he didn’t do). Maybe a tactic to get the blame off of him? Regardless I had long forgotten about that but it popped back into my mind when I saw this escort website perusal. He is deeply apologetic for this happening but I just don’t believe it was a pop up from a porn email and that he looked because he just couldn’t believe that escorts would advertise online like that! I mean really?

OP posts: