Partner doesn’t like spending time with me - is this normal?

[yellowsubmarine7]

Partner has openly told me several times in recent weeks that he doesn’t like spending time with me, that he’d rather be at work, that he thought this was normal and that I “just don’t get it”.

In 3 years, he has had collectively around 10 days off work. Not including paternity leave which was 2 weeks from the day our DS was born.

I stay home full time with DS. I do not drive and we live very rurally. My partner goes to work at 7am and comes home at 6pm. He is also on emergency call outs on weekends & evenings and does a lot of overtime. It’s difficult to plan for a weekend away or days out, as so many times we’ve gone out before, he gets called into work for an emergency.

I have begged him for 3 years to take some time off work so we can spend some time together. He gets paid holiday, so money isn’t an issue. He refuses. In the last 6 months, our DS has started screaming and crying and getting absolutely hysterical when partner gets up for work.

Eventually he promised he would book a week off in August so we could have a week of summer together. The day before his week off was due to start, he told me he hadn’t actually booked it off but that he promises he’ll take a week off the week after my birthday the following month. My birthday came around and the weekend before he told me again he hadn't actually booked it off.

I told him how much it upsets me that in 3 years we haven’t spent any real family time together. I explained how he can see how upset our DS gets in the mornings, and whilst I know taking a week off probably won’t stop DS getting upset, the solution isn’t to just not spend any time together at all instead. He told me that he thought it was normal for fathers to not want to spend time with their families, that it’s normal for them to rather be at work and that everyone our age is like it (late 20s). He also said that he gets bored at home. I was very shocked and said that it isn’t normal.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS spent a night away. I spent most of it decluttering the house, going through DS old clothes etc. He spent his time on his PlayStation which I was happy with as I was doing my own thing too. This evening, I asked him if he could try and book a few days off whilst he’s at work tomorrow, but he got very very defensive and again started saying that he doesn’t want to, that I don’t get it, that it’s normal and that if I wanted to spend time with him so badly I would have spent time with him this weekend instead of doing housework. I understand where he’s coming from but at the same time he also wasn’t bothered.

Its became exhausting and I am starting to give up. Is this ‘normal’ for most families? Is it actually me being unreasonable?

I stay home full time with DS. I do not drive and we live very rurally. is Ds not able to get free childcare hours? Who choose the rural living? Could you learn to drive?

Whats The point of being a couple? It’s 2022, why have you slept walked into this situation? This is who he is and the version of him where he isn’t this person is not waiting around the corner, plan your next move with this information in mind. At this point when he lies, you both know he’s doing it.

Totally not normal, DP and I look forward to doing stuff together.

I was married to one of these. (Look up dismissive avoidant attachment). Mine had about six weeks annual leave but only ever spent minimal days on holiday with us (if I organised it) and that was hell. Out of the room at the crack of dawn and finding things to do on his own. I believe he used the rest of his leave for his hobbies but never said anything, left for work as normal. The thing with your sister sounds familiar too. My exH was a great flirt and popular with other women. I think it's another technique to maintain distance from you (and her).

This all derives from a dysfunctional childhood and requires a lot of therapy to fix. However, he's already doing the 'there's nothing wrong with me' line, 'you're the problem ' so you're on a hiding to nothing here. You're a young woman with a life ahead of you. Get out asap and find someone secure who wants to be with you. You're being used here to make him look normal and you'll end up burnt out and resentful about doing all the grunt work in the 'relationship'.

Emotionally unavailable parents would be my guess. If you're used to being ignored and taking care of everything this seems 'normal' to you. Also hoping it will change, it never does.

Start a run away fund. You don't give details but I am supposing he gives you money for household ? If so...

1. Learn to drive.
2. Get a job.

3.Move out.

If he is also keeping you trapped there without money - get a family member or friend to pick you up and contact WA for a refuge .

You're not going to change this man. He's an oddball who decided to have a child with you but is now gaslighting you with his rubbish about it being "normal" to dislike & actively avoid family time.

The only thing you can change is yourself, & your own situation.
I stay home full time with DS. I do not drive and we live very rurally. My partner goes to work at 7am and comes home at 6pm. He is also on emergency call outs on weekends & evenings and does a lot of overtime. It’s difficult to plan for a weekend away or days out, as so many times we’ve gone out before, he gets called into work for an emergency.
This sounds utterly miserable.
You are totally dependent on a man who does not care a jot for you. Sorry to sound so harsh, but he has you in an untenable situation & is refusing to do a single thing to make you feel happier about it.

So ... first up - driving lessons. No ifs no buts & no delaying tactics from him. He wants you to live in a rural situation - he has to do something about your total isolation from society.
Secondly - get a job. Start getting some independence.
Then - when you finally accept that this man is not going to change - not for you, not for your child, not for anything - you will be in a position to leave, & support yourself.

He's legally required to take a minimum amount of time off, can't remember how much it is now.

But no, he's told you he doesn't like spending time with you...he's not even pretending, of course it's not normal!

So sorry. Not normal. Please don’t waste any more of your life with this person. Make plans to end the relationship.

Definitely not normal! What's the point of being in a relationship with him if he's been totally blunt and says he doesn't want to spend time with you?!!!

Also, do you think he actually has taken the annual leave but has spent the time elsewhere? Hence why he won't/can't book any more because he's already taken it.

I would be highly suspicious of this. There are working time directives and although overtime is obviously allowed employers in the UK must ensure their employees are getting reasonable rest time. Additionally they will generally make sure employees are taking their holiday hours. They do this or they are leaving themselves at risk if the employee was to go sick or complain to hr about how much they were working.
Definitely think it's worth investigating further.

Why does it matter? There may indeed be an explanation for his behaviour based on his childhood, but the OP should not spend any time analysing his behaviour. Greater understanding isn't going to turn him from an absent, rude, probably cheating aresehole into partner and dad of the year. OP should be spending her time looking out for herself and DC and making plans to leave.

What kind of job does he do?

In our industry we're told as managers to look out for people not taking leave as a potential indicator that they could be committing fraud...

I'm not saying he is - but that's a good indication of how 'not normal' this is.

I agree with PP though.

You need to take control of your situation here and get yourself into a place where you at least have options.

This is so sad OP. The fact he is so sure this is normal - to the point where you're questioning it - speaks volumes about how engaged his own father was, i.e. totally disinterested.

Sadly it seems as though he is perfectly content to carry on like this - so you have to decide if you want to live like this, or build a life for yourself and DS.

He doesn’t want to be a husband and father. He wants to be a single man who goes to work, comes home and spends his free time gaming. This isn’t a relationship I’m afraid. Of course it’s not normal.

e told me that he thought it was normal for fathers to not want to spend time with their families, that it’s normal for them to rather be at work and that everyone our age is like it (late 20s)

This is not normal but in some working worlds it is VERY common for men to say this and claim it to each other. I used to work in a highly male dominated professional sector and it was 100% standard for men to say this sort of stuff all the time but especially when discussing going for a drink after work or socialising.

Some of them were clear wankers who meant it but some of them were just posturing bravodoes - as in they did like their children and family but didn't want to admit it to the "lads" so joined in with the sighing and huffing and puffing about their unreasonable wife who wanted them at home when they'd rather be at work/down the pub/out on the lash. There was a real culture of slagging off your home life/wife/kids and acting like they were an inconvenience to you. Some of the wives would have been really shocked if they'd heard any of this.

The only reason I'm telling you this is because it is possible that he genuinely believes that it is normal for fathers to not want to spend time with their families if he is a bit shallow and works in one of these environments.

It is not normal

This.

Start planning.

This NOT NORMAL.

P is enmeshed with your Sister and channels his emotional energy into her. They both treat you as beneath consideration.

As they work, ride, and spend other time together, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve been taking leave together behind your back, among other things.

@yellowsubmarine7, I hope that you can somehow formulate an exit plan. He has totally checked out of family life and manipulates you with his ‘this is normal’ guff. It is actually quite abnormal. Such a neglectful and dysfunctional home life will be damaging your child.

JFC OP. I've just read the OP to your other thread now.

Please get some driving lessons, get a job, & work toward leaving this shit of a man & your sister far behind you. They are seriously abusing you. I am so sorry.
You don't need to work on getting him to pay more attention to you - you need to get the hell away from him.

Exactly this
I'd be questioning him!