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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner doesn’t like spending time with me - is this normal?

70 replies

yellowsubmarine7 · 23/10/2022 19:49

Partner has openly told me several times in recent weeks that he doesn’t like spending time with me, that he’d rather be at work, that he thought this was normal and that I “just don’t get it”.

In 3 years, he has had collectively around 10 days off work. Not including paternity leave which was 2 weeks from the day our DS was born.

I stay home full time with DS. I do not drive and we live very rurally. My partner goes to work at 7am and comes home at 6pm. He is also on emergency call outs on weekends & evenings and does a lot of overtime. It’s difficult to plan for a weekend away or days out, as so many times we’ve gone out before, he gets called into work for an emergency.

I have begged him for 3 years to take some time off work so we can spend some time together. He gets paid holiday, so money isn’t an issue. He refuses. In the last 6 months, our DS has started screaming and crying and getting absolutely hysterical when partner gets up for work.

Eventually he promised he would book a week off in August so we could have a week of summer together. The day before his week off was due to start, he told me he hadn’t actually booked it off but that he promises he’ll take a week off the week after my birthday the following month. My birthday came around and the weekend before he told me again he hadn't actually booked it off.

I told him how much it upsets me that in 3 years we haven’t spent any real family time together. I explained how he can see how upset our DS gets in the mornings, and whilst I know taking a week off probably won’t stop DS getting upset, the solution isn’t to just not spend any time together at all instead. He told me that he thought it was normal for fathers to not want to spend time with their families, that it’s normal for them to rather be at work and that everyone our age is like it (late 20s). He also said that he gets bored at home. I was very shocked and said that it isn’t normal.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS spent a night away. I spent most of it decluttering the house, going through DS old clothes etc. He spent his time on his PlayStation which I was happy with as I was doing my own thing too. This evening, I asked him if he could try and book a few days off whilst he’s at work tomorrow, but he got very very defensive and again started saying that he doesn’t want to, that I don’t get it, that it’s normal and that if I wanted to spend time with him so badly I would have spent time with him this weekend instead of doing housework. I understand where he’s coming from but at the same time he also wasn’t bothered.

Its became exhausting and I am starting to give up. Is this ‘normal’ for most families? Is it actually me being unreasonable?

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 23/10/2022 21:47

It's normal to be busy and pressured. It's not normal to prefer work to home. It sounds like this person will not change so you need to think of u want this long term.

MrsGeoWolf · 23/10/2022 22:12

So why does he think this is normal? And why the fek are you putting up with it? Begging him to spend time with you as a family with a child that clearly is being already affected by his abusive ways?

NCtonotgetroasted · 23/10/2022 22:14

This is such an upsetting read.

He doesn't want to spend time with you or DS? What's the point of it all then??? Was he like this before children?

How has he only taken 10 days off in 3 years! Surely his work has rules about the days off/legal requirements? I'm not sure I believe him at all. I question what he's up to really.

Anyway, if I were you I'd be planning to get out with DS. Find someone who wants to spend time with you. Honestly, you deserve better.

Caroffee · 23/10/2022 22:21

It's not normal at all. It's his normal but it's not most people's normal.

I can't see this remationship lasting. You get nothing out of it. Neither does your son.

SaintVitasShagulaitas · 23/10/2022 22:22

Of course it's not normal. Well, it might be normal not to want to spend time around a toddler because they can be very demanding, but it is not normal to have no desire to spend time with you-unless he views you as a live-in housekeeper rather than a partner.

Jellybean23 · 23/10/2022 22:30

You are living in the same house and that's about it. He is the one who 'doesn't get it' - he has no concept of a happy, loving partnership if he thinks his view is normal. You need to seriously consider the future for you and your son. He's using you as a housekeeping with perks.

Truuuueeeedat · 23/10/2022 22:31

Just to add, that when I was an agency worker, I would have only taken similar holiday off in a 3 year period, as if I didn’t work, I didn’t get paid. So it depends what type of employment he has

TheCurseOfBoris · 23/10/2022 23:50

Sounds like he has totally disengaged from family life. Could there be someone else? I'm wondering what his own father was like? What is his background? What is his job? It could help explain some of his behaviour but excuse it.
What was he like before you married and had DC?

EmmaDilemma5 · 24/10/2022 00:09

Where has he got the view it's normal to not see his young child grow up? What a strange view.

It's not normal, and as your son grows up, he will feel a lot of rejection.

I honestly think you'd be better off leaving him. You've given him lots of chances to understand how you feel, to make an effort. And he continually lets you both down.

Unfortunately you'll never change him as he's innately selfish.

Move on before it impacts your son x

MintJulia · 24/10/2022 01:12

He doesn't love you. You are the (unpaid) housekeeper, there to perform a function but without him having any need to consider your feelings at all.

Make your plans, pull together a leaving fund, no matter how long it takes, and reclaim your life.

User15432 · 24/10/2022 01:14

I know this is awful to suggest, but are you sure he’s not actually taking annual leave, using it to do something else and then telling you he is at work?

It sound very suspicious, also bloody neglectful to his family but my over riding thought is that he’s being sneaky.

Gruelle · 24/10/2022 01:19

I stay home full time with DS. I do not drive and we live very rurally.

Why?

SleepingStandingUp · 24/10/2022 01:20

What was he like before DS came along?

Honestly it would be a deal breaker for me and I'd be pre wanting him. If he doesn't want to spend time with you and his child, what's the point of you being there? Cook and fuck?

MrsMorrisey · 24/10/2022 01:22

What's his job?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2022 01:26

I wonder what you had modelled for you as a child to not understand that there is nothing normal about your relationship. It really isn't a relationship, is it? I'm also wondering how you could have overlooked the legions of red flags that were undoubtedly there and went ahead and had a child with this man.

End it immediately and move on. This will not be getting any better.

Twawmyarse · 24/10/2022 01:26

Oh OP, this is so sad to read. The fact you don’t drive and live very rurally really stands out too - don’t you get lonely? Do you have friends or family locally you can talk to/meet up with?

It all sounds quite unbearable - I mean, is there anything good in your relationship? Do you ever do anything together at weekends? What is the actual point of being with someone who has openly admitted they don’t want to spend time with you and prefer working? What a bloody insult!

You don’t have to live like this you know?

NoodleSoup12 · 24/10/2022 01:30

OP, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I think you should shake things up. If he really doesn’t mind about spending time with you — head out on holiday without telling him. He’ll get back from work… maybe it’ll take him a day or two to look up from gaming to notice you’re not there, but eventually he will! If I were you, I’d spend my weekends gallivanting to see interesting people. He sounds very dull, to just want to work! But also, it will at least make him suddenly be chasing you — even if just to say, “where on earth are you?!”

Not to mention the most important bit — you won’t be there to feed him, clean his clothes and house, or do any jobs for him. Being a SAHM (?), your job is taking care of a baby — not the household chores. Taking care of a baby is hard work and it’s 24 hours, so actually you’re on call more than him and don’t have any time to be folding clothes. Go take care of the child’s spiritual needs by visiting all his “aunties” aka your friends. And if you have access to money, head to a nice town, do some cool things, and charge it to your account — he doesn’t have to take a week off for YOU to take a week off!

Twawmyarse · 24/10/2022 01:33

Just re-reading your OP, this stands out:

*He is also on emergency call outs on weekends & evenings and does a lot of overtime

I personally would be thinking there’s an OW somewhere in this. This along with the reluctance to take holidays (which are probably being taken elsewhere) and not wanting to spend any time with you at all - highly suspicious. I’d lock myself in the loo with his phone and do some snooping OP.

aloris · 24/10/2022 03:27

You say he's your partner, I presume this means romantic partner, but he openly says he doesn't like to spend time with you? Why is he still there? It sounds like he's basically saying you're just a provider of services to him. Merely an object. I'm not so much surprised he actually feels that way, but I'm more surprised he has the moxie to say it to your face. It's so demeaning and is such a truly horrible thing to say.

Smineusername · 24/10/2022 03:50

What was his father like? How did it make him feel as a child?

ViolinPin · 24/10/2022 03:51

You are not married, you have no financial protection.

Your husband neglects you.

You don't have relationship.

You are a housekeeper.

You have brought up your son alone.

You need to escape this envioroment, he has openly told you he does not wish to spend time with you or his child.
Leave and find another life if possible, this man will get worse.

MrMrsJones · 24/10/2022 04:01

Make a plan

Learn to drive

Squirrel away a bit of money

Get qualified and start looking for a job

Look at rental near to jobs and nurseries

Do you rent or have a house now? Get it valued

Look for a solicitor

Leave

QueenCamilla · 24/10/2022 05:11

What does he claim to do for work?

BitOutOfPractice · 24/10/2022 05:28

So you’re stuck at home 24/7? I honestly don’t know how you stand that!

no op it’s not normal.

I feel really sad for you and I’d be making plans to leave asap.

MsDogLady · 24/10/2022 07:59

YS, your Partner is over-invested in your Sister while being contemptuous of you.

According to your July thread, she is his confidante and they spend a lot of time together. They work together, travel to/from work, and she comes over afterward. He over-involves her in your marriage and shares details of your arguments, which she then holds against you.

On one occasion, you and P had argued by text about housework/dinner during work hours. When your Sister came by later and noticed the tense atmosphere, she went to P to get the scoop. He then showed her all the heated texts. You were livid and hurt, but of course he accused you of overreacting. Quite a few posters wondered if they are having an affair.

I agree that their closeness is suspicious. Could he be taking his leave with her?

YS, this man treats you and DS with total disdain and callous disregard. Be aware that this is a destructive relationship model that your son is absorbing. Is it possible for you to make an exit plan?

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