How do men who are having an affair manage to keep it under wraps?

[catneedsfeeding]

Can anyone explain why men who have affairs manage to keep it under wraps so well? I don't want to make this a gender thing but I can't help thinking there might be a gender imbalance thing at play because I know if I had an affair (I never would) that I would be caught out probably within the week.
For example, I once started a new job at a private residence and within weeks a casual acquaintance (male) of my husband's had asked him (didn't ask me) what I was doing visiting there!

Of course there's a gender bias. Men often cover for friends who are having affairs, men who are sleeping with several women are considered heros and women are sluts. Sadly equality of the sexes is a long way from reality.

The other thing is opportunity. More women are likely to be SAHPs and therefore simply don't get the opportunity that someone who goes into an office / travels around/ had to work late etc

Also entitlement. Many men tend to have an inbuilt entitlement from misogynistic bias which makes them feel their behaviour is acceptable because they're entitled to more sex. Whatever.

If my DH was having an affair I'd probably be too tired to notice. Even though he's a fantastic husband and father and does a lot I'm so tired from having two under 5s and a full time job I'm mentally foggy and probably wouldn't immediately join the dots. Assuming he tried to hide it as well as he could.

I'd probably be in denial too because if we split up I'd be a lot poorer (one income) and the children would suffer, so I might subconsciously turn a blind eye to any tell tale signs.

Most evenings we're each on our phones while we chat and watch a movie, plus we divid and conquer while putting the kids to bed (sitting in with them until they sleep) so I wouldn't notice him using his phone more if he was clever about it.

Lastly, unless he was doing it in our doorstep it would be unlikely he'd be seen by anyone I know, so there would be no one to tell me.

If I had an affair my affair partner would have to be very patient or I'd have to make huge lifestyle changes which would quickly be noticed

As someone who's had an affair the answer is quite simple, you literally don't tell anyone about it and you don't go out anywhere risky.

It doesn't matter if it's your best friend or a family member you can't tell anyone at all because you can't trust them to not slip up and it's not fair to drag others into your drama.

I did it for a year, we never got caught and we split from our partners and are now together after waiting for a while to go public. People have suspected that something was going on because of the way we acted (not typical of a couple who've just met) but not enough to say anything to us.

When we were still married to other people we both had jobs that were pretty full on with irregular hours so it made it easy to sneak off and meet. I won't justify our behaviour or make it out to be anything other than deceitful and we both betrayed our respective partners but in answer to your question it can be done very easily if you are careful enough and have a job where you can get away without being suspected.

My ex met someone through work and started an affair. He had a hobby that meant he could be off doing something any time rather than a regular thing as such and also socialised with others that shared the same hobby. I noticed he was messaging more but he told me he was organising a hobby related event. All totally plausible and I didn't suspect a thing. He also had friends who had had affairs that will have been there to back him up as needed. Gullible me was home taking care of the kids and caught him out entirely by chance.

My DH travels a lot for work. I don't know any of his team personally, ie don't have their numbers etc. Whenever I talk to DH while he's away, it is always on his mobile so technically he could be anywhere. I guess he could cover up an affair for quite some time!

Who do you think these men are having affairs with, other men ?.

If they travel for work that would make it fairly easy (assuming the other party was also travelling / already at their destination) or actually just working late a lot/ going to the gym after work is a pretty easy explanation.

I think it would be much easier if the other party knew it was an affair and therefore kept it secret too. If one half thinks it is a real relationship, they are telling their friends, they want to go on dates etc chances of getting caught are 100x higher.

my ex husband had a affair at work.
He lied about holiday days, i thought he was going to work when he wasnt.
He also worked late.

I think men in professional jobs seem to be able to put things in compartments quite easily. I know someone in motor biking group who simply turned up at all the outings and weekends away for a couple of years with a pillion. Most people thought she was his wife! Completely astonished his wife never suspected a thing despite the weekends away, early morning bike rides and getting a bigger bike with a full pillion seat.

My XH covered it by lying and lying and lying again. He was having late work dinners, he was visiting his mother who'd just had a stroke, he was away at another international conference (he was usually away a quarter of the year anyway). And gaslighting me when I said he'd come in very late. He had ample opportunity.

He meets an OW who's not interested in a full time relationship has her own life, would lose too much. I'm guessing they are more likely to get caught if they aren't on the same page or one pushes for more.

I can only think of narcissism. I would NEVER cheat, but I know if I did, she'd work in out in a few weeks. And we don't even live together!!!

Women are far better at keeping affairs secret. That's the reason why more men get found out. Regardless of gender, people who cheat are generally better at lying than the more honest amongst us.

In plain sight, in my experience. Work, working late, weekend work emergencies, working lunches, phone off or on silent due to work, team dinner when working late on a project … once the motive is there, the opportunities are magically created.

I think I could pretty easily have an affair to be honest. I live in London and work in the City, I virtually never by chance bump into somebody I know when out. I can’t think of a single place where somebody who knows both me and DH might see me and then go questioning DH why I’d been there - the idea is bizarre! I often go into work early to go to the gym first and often have to work late. I have a lot of friends, many of whom DH doesn’t know well, who I could pretend I was meeting for dinner. All of the above is true of DH if he wanted to cheat.

I’ve no wish to invite that kind of drama into my life (plus we have an open relationship anyway, so no deceit necessary) so I wouldn’t cheat; but unless you live in an everyone knows everyone else small town and your usual routine for years has consisted of little more than going to work and coming home and any change would be noticeable, opportunities aren’t hard to come by.

"He meets an OW who's not interested in a full time relationship has her own life, would lose too much. I'm guessing they are more likely to get caught if they aren't on the same page or one pushes for more".

Exactly this. I am single, have my own home, my DC's are late teens and i have the house to myself most weekends as with their Dad. I do not want a relationship, I work , am busy, happy with my freedoms. Can't be doing with having to check in with someone daily and all the emotional drama. I would probably be the perfect person to have an affair with. No one checks my bank statements, has access to my phone. No one would see me and ap out and about as in the privacy of my home. I would never become involved with a married man but if i were that way inclined, it would technically be very easy for me and therefore him.

I don't want to make this a gender thing but I can't help thinking there might be a gender imbalance thing at play because I know if I had an affair (I never would) that I would be caught out probably within the week.

If the affairs are heterosexual, then obviously the female AP is just as good at keeping the secret as the man is. (Until she blows it up deliberately to force his hand, perhaps).

Maybe loads of married women are having affairs & are excellent at keeping it under wraps. That's the thing with secrets - you wouldn't know, would you?

Agreed. A relative of mine is a divorce lawyer. In her experience, men and women cheat in roughly equal proportions. Broadly — very broadly — speaking, men tend to get found out whereas women either don't, or admit the affair.

The same way Women do 🤷🏻‍♀️

All the data and research shows that women cheat as much as men. They just don’t get found out as much. They are better at it.

Read this in a thriller the other day: tell absolutely nobody, keep it strictly to yourself. Use a burner phone kept locked away at work and change the password/sim regularly. Meet-up outside of your immediate area where nobody knows you. Pay for everything in cash. Use public transport/taxi. Never use your own name. Never disclose where you live, what you do or where you work. Always use a condom that you have bought yourself. Dispose of it yourself. Drop into the gym on the way home to take a shower and change back into your work clothes. When you get home act normally.

Only he finds out that his lover has murdered her husband but of course, she's not using her real name either and everything she's told him is fake too.

You’d be surprised how easy it is actually

Don’t tell anyone, and don’t keep messages or anything incriminating?

My ex managed it for two years. I was a sahm, we only had one car so he came and went at will. His work friends knew, and they covered for him if I rang and he was with her. He was adept at lying - once they wanted a romantic weekend in the countryside, so he made up an elaborate story about an old friend dying, and a far-away funeral. He even bought her flowers and said he'd bought a wreath for the funeral. I think it was part of the thrill, getting away with it while I was at home with his children.

I think men can compartmentàlise much better than women. That's how they manage it so much easier.

Not just men though probably easier for many men. My SIL was seeing someone for three years without her husband, children or other family knowing. I'm not calling it an affair as she had been clear she didn't want to stay married but they had no choice but to stay in the same home (visa issues). She didn't want BIL to find out as he'd likely have given up on life here and returned home and her visa status would have been impacted. I think she often said she was working as she had a day job and weekend work sometimes. She would go to the gym every day after work so could have been using that time. BIL was supposed to be wfh so he did school runs both ways. I guess she was more what we consider man like here as she could just get up and go out as and when she wanted leaving her kids with husband and we are usually hearing the other way around that women have to make plans and ask partners or someone else to look after kids etc. As soon as BIL was out of the house the new man was in.