I have a previous thread re my DM where I had some great advice, but am back for practical tips! www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4254341-Anyone-else-got-a-DM-like-this-and-how-to-handle
DD is now 2 and things are worse than ever. I tried to dial back communication and seeing DM as much but inevitably we've just lapsed back into old patterns.
At the start of this year I moved about a 4 hour drive away with my DP and DD. Over the year I have had to go back and stay with DM for various reasons and she has been here every 6 weeks for 3 days. I haven't really invited her with that frequency but its sort of been assumed she is welcome. I don't feel I can say no because I know how much she misses DD.
When I have been to stay with her it is hell on earth for me. She picks at me constantly about DD as per my previous thread, she disagrees with what I feed her and will manipulate situations to avoid feeding her food I have got her, tries to prevent her from doing things she doesn't approve of eg. soft play. She ended up pushing DD over and falling herself because she lunged at her and grabbed her to prevent her running. Just running in the garden, no additional danger in sight. She is also starting the 'weak and feeble ' narrative she imposed on me, telling me DD is a very sensitive child, gets tired easily, must rest frequently etc.
She is obsessed with a Penelope Leach book on babies and rams it down my throat at every opportunity, when I push back and say I'm not interested in the book, it isnt my style and I have my own preferred sources of info she shouts at me and tells me I'm stupid for not taking the advice. She disagrees on our choice of school for DD and again, has shouted at me about this. If I tell her these things are none of her business she shouts at me that DD is HER grandchild and she will bloody well speak up if she feels we aren't making good decisions. She has no respect for boundaries I try to set if she feels she HAS to tell me her opinion. We frequently get into horrible rows where I end up shouting and swearing at her because she makes me so angry- she will not listen to me and she doesn't care how she makes me feel. Then I feel guilty and horrible.
I have tried to calmly address my mum's behaviour with her and told her she is making me feel awful, I'm so on edge and anxious around her and it lasts for weeks after. I also question my decisions re DD a lot and feel like my mum thinks I'm a negligent parent, even though I know deep down I'm not. The upshot of that conversation was she doesnt MEAN to upset me therefore she can't a) be sorry or b) change her behaviour. I have always been difficult and I'm just looking for problems. I'm overly sensitive. If she's that bad why do I still see her and so on. She suggested I just don't listen to the bits of what she says that I don't like.
She is planning to move near to us in the next few years which initially I was on board with but the thought of it now makes me feel so panicked. I know she will be expecting to do childcare for DD and be very involved with her. I can't have her back in my life on a daily basis criticising me, taking over with DD and trying to control both of us, the more involved she is the worse she gets. I'm so much happier having less contact with her, so much more confident and less anxious. I know she isn't ever going to change so what can I do? I feel absolutely awful thinking about telling her that I don't want her to live near us as she hasn't got anyone else and I hate the thought of upsetting her. I don't seem to be able to put my own wants first because it feels selfish.
I've always felt like its my responsibility to stay around and be involved with her and make her happy. If I did reduce contact I'll feel like the horrible difficult person she makes me out to be if I go against her. I feel so angry about how she's treated me though- she's controlled and undermined me my whole life, and left me unable to trust my own judgement plus the anxiety she's instilled in me which still causes me huge issues. The thought of her affecting DD in a similar way is awful plus potentially years of her disagreeing at every turn on how we decide to bring up DD, undermining me in front of her when she's old enough to understand, and I won't be able to do anything about it because she refuses to consider she's in the wrong.
So what I'm asking, and apologies for the long post, is if you have gone LC/NC with a close relative, how have you managed the guilt and not been sucked back into an unhealthy and damaging relationship time and time again? How do you reframe the relationship when you've previously been so 'close'?