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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Keep out of it?

38 replies

Larasum · 23/10/2022 13:28

My ex husband (who had an affair and we got divorced) has a small group of close friends

I was staying at a lovely hotel out in the middle of nowhere with my boyfriend and one of the friends was there but with another woman, not his wife and it was late at night and they were heading down the corridor to a room, This “friend” knew about my husbands affair and told everyone to keep it quiet from me and also had them go to his Xmas party as a couple.

should I message the wife? They are defo together and married

OP posts:
Original poster
Larasum · 23/10/2022 13:29

I know the wife and we used to message each other

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 23/10/2022 14:25

Did he see you?

Part of me thinks yes tell her. Just make sure it’s isn’t because you want revenge on him for keeping quiet about your exes affair.

Part of me thinks no, keep out of it. Why drag yourself back into a past you sound well shut of.

Original poster
Larasum · 23/10/2022 14:41

DatingDinosaur · 23/10/2022 14:25

Did he see you?

Part of me thinks yes tell her. Just make sure it’s isn’t because you want revenge on him for keeping quiet about your exes affair.

Part of me thinks no, keep out of it. Why drag yourself back into a past you sound well shut of.

He saw me, he was looking over each shoulder walking down the corridor. We made eye contact then he looked at my boyfriend. On one hand I just think leave it, nothing to do with me, and the other part thinks maybe it could somehow be innocent I don’t know how

i was at their wedding, but although me and the wife used to message and chat I wouldn’t say she was a friend and I haven’t spoken to her since I got divorced so maybe it’s just not my place

it upset me more than anything

OP posts:
YoSofi · 23/10/2022 14:44

I would message her, because I would want to know if it was the other way around.

LondonWolf · 23/10/2022 14:45

I would keep out of it completely.

Maze76 · 23/10/2022 14:56

Drop her a message, saying exactly what you saw, what she chooses to do with the information is up to her.

Begoniasforever · 23/10/2022 15:00

Usually I say stay out, but as he was duplicate behind his back I’d message the wife and tell her.

but I’d be very sure what I saw. I often stay away for work and male colleagues walk me back to my room as they are going rhe same way. So be sure what you saw before you do it. As to do it and be wrong is unforgivable

MintJulia · 23/10/2022 15:05

I'd want to know and would be hurt if you didn't tell me.

Fraaahnces · 23/10/2022 15:07

I absolutely would

Original poster
Larasum · 23/10/2022 15:07

Begoniasforever · 23/10/2022 15:00

Usually I say stay out, but as he was duplicate behind his back I’d message the wife and tell her.

but I’d be very sure what I saw. I often stay away for work and male colleagues walk me back to my room as they are going rhe same way. So be sure what you saw before you do it. As to do it and be wrong is unforgivable

I agree, if I had seen them kissing then I think message but I didn’t see anything like that. The hotel is about a 50 minute drive from the area we live, it’s posh, spa etc. they also didn’t have luggage (she had a big over the shoulder bag). I know what he does for a job and it wouldn’t involve business meetings away etc.

I would imagine his wife knew all about my husbands affair and never contacted me

im sure it will have been on his mind today that he had seen me if he was up to no good, and to be honest, he could just deny ever being there

OP posts:
Original poster
Larasum · 23/10/2022 15:08

I say no luggage but I saw them at 8.30om ish so could have checked in earlier but who knows. I don’t think what I saw is substantial enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Larasum · 23/10/2022 15:09

If I do message what exactly do I say? Like how do you even start the message

OP posts:
Babasghost · 23/10/2022 15:19

I'd say
Just a heads up lovely I saw your hubby at x hotel at cam with a lady.
Hope it's nothing but wanted to give you a heads up about it.
Take care

Watchkeys · 23/10/2022 16:20

If she trusts her husband, she won't believe you. If she doesn't, she already knows what you're trying to tell her ('your husband is untrustworthy')

I wouldn't bother. Her marriage isn't your responsibility.

SpinningFloppa · 23/10/2022 16:21

I would mind my own business

Darbs76 · 23/10/2022 16:25

I’d message her. I’d say look I could be way off here and normally I wouldn’t get involved but I know people knew about my husbands affair and kept quiet so I’m just telling you what I saw. As I say could be completely innocent but it’s weighing on my mind and I wanted to let you know

UserError012345 · 23/10/2022 16:26

I would tell her. I'd get evidence if you can too, so you can back it up. I wished someone had told me.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 23/10/2022 16:31

I would message and give some type of condolences for her marriage break up and if she wants a chat you are available.

HairyKnobsAndBroomsticks · 23/10/2022 16:48

I would definitely want to know. Sorry that you are in this position.

ICanHideButICantRun · 23/10/2022 16:53

I'd say to her, "When it seemed everyone knew about my ex husband's affair and kept a vow of silence, I was so hurt by it that I vowed then never to do that to anyone else. Last night I was at X hotel and saw your husband with another woman (describe her) walking to a hotel room. I'm here if you want to talk, but otherwise take care."

Crazypaving22 · 23/10/2022 17:04

Another vote for telling her... asap

Jewel7 · 23/10/2022 17:20

If I saw her as a friend yes I would tell her. But she may just think your causing trouble.

IndiGlowie · 23/10/2022 17:25

Leave it because he will deny it she will believe him and you will be the lying villain. I would smirk though every time I saw him.

IndiGlowie · 23/10/2022 17:28

It just goes to show though no matter how far away from home , no matter how careful you think you are , someone will see you .

Confusion101 · 23/10/2022 17:33

Darbs76 · 23/10/2022 16:25

I’d message her. I’d say look I could be way off here and normally I wouldn’t get involved but I know people knew about my husbands affair and kept quiet so I’m just telling you what I saw. As I say could be completely innocent but it’s weighing on my mind and I wanted to let you know

This is perfect. I wouldn't leave it open ended, just u are giving her the heads up, this is what u saw, could be nothing or could be something, all the best. U don't want to get stuck in a convo with her either.