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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Keep out of it?

38 replies

Larasum · 23/10/2022 13:28

My ex husband (who had an affair and we got divorced) has a small group of close friends

I was staying at a lovely hotel out in the middle of nowhere with my boyfriend and one of the friends was there but with another woman, not his wife and it was late at night and they were heading down the corridor to a room, This “friend” knew about my husbands affair and told everyone to keep it quiet from me and also had them go to his Xmas party as a couple.

should I message the wife? They are defo together and married

OP posts:

Bathtubbathing · 23/10/2022 17:37

Darbs76 · 23/10/2022 16:25

I’d message her. I’d say look I could be way off here and normally I wouldn’t get involved but I know people knew about my husbands affair and kept quiet so I’m just telling you what I saw. As I say could be completely innocent but it’s weighing on my mind and I wanted to let you know

This. Definitely this.

I wish someone had told me sooner what my ex was up to. If you wished you'd know sooner too, then send her a factual message.

IndiGlowie · 23/10/2022 17:56

Also bear in mind because he knows you saw him he has already got his story straight in case you do say something.

catneedsfeeding · 23/10/2022 18:03

I would message her asking if you and her could meet up. If she asks why, tell her there's something you would like to talk to her about.
These things are better done face-to-face, ideally in an environment that she will feel secure in.
Tell her the facts, without any opinion, don't ask any questions. Make sure she knows that you have her best interests at heart.

catneedsfeeding · 23/10/2022 18:08

Sorry @Larasum if your experience seeing this man was triggering for you. It couldn't have been easy knowing that a third party was assisting your ex in his infidelity.

Original poster

Larasum · 23/10/2022 18:22

catneedsfeeding · 23/10/2022 18:08

Sorry @Larasum if your experience seeing this man was triggering for you. It couldn't have been easy knowing that a third party was assisting your ex in his infidelity.

The fact that this particular friend of his I saw last night invited my husband and his mistress to a big Xmas party and told all his workers to keep it quiet was appalling. I remember getting a lot of messages of different people saying that they had spotted my husband and various times and it was soul destroying,

OP posts:

luckylavender · 23/10/2022 18:28

I would keep my nose out. She didn't contact you. No good will come of it for you. Likely to have people you'd rather forget messaging you.

catneedsfeeding · 23/10/2022 18:29

Yes @Larasum that only adds to your distress at that time, which is bad enough as it is. To think that others were involved in this way, feeling like the spotlight is on you. That must have been horrendous. You imagine that probably some of these people would have felt sorry for you, yes? But you don't want their pity of course.
It's almost like this man took pleasure from the power he had in facilitating your ex's infidelity.

Marineboy67 · 23/10/2022 18:36

I was in a similar situation 7/8 years ago. A guy at work let it slip that one of neighbours boyfriend was seeing another woman behind her back. I asked him how he came to know, he explained that another guy who had a room in the boyfriends house seen this other woman come and go several times and stayed overnight. Having been cheated on and hating liars, I told the guy at work to tell the boyfriends either tell his girlfriend ( my neighbour) or I'd tell her myself. He fessed up on the Sunday and the relationship ended.
That's what I'd do if I were you, confront him first or let him know what you saw.

SuspiciousHedgehog · 24/10/2022 08:10

You will be viewed as a trouble causer/out for revenge, even if she believes you.
If he saw you there's no tipping her off anonymously.
Ultimately she didn't do the same for you, you don't owe her.
As PP have pointed out, confronting HIM might be more interesting.
Otherwise, save your worries for actual friends

Original poster

Larasum · 24/10/2022 10:16

I think I’ve decided to leave it, I think if she was a friend I would message but with the connection being my ex it will as highlighted above mean being in contact with that sort of connection again and this time I can’t afford for my mental health to slip like it has previously, it’s taken a long long time to heal as best as I can.

OP posts:

Bookworm20 · 24/10/2022 12:03

I think I'd just send a casual message. Something like, 'Hi, I know its been a long time but just wanted to let you know that if you need anything just shout. I understand how hard a breakup/divorce can be and sorry you have gone through that. I hadn't realised you guys had split! It was a real surprise seeing (your DH name) with her last night, I always thought you guys were so great. Just let me know if you need anything.'

SpinningFloppa · 24/10/2022 12:08

The ops decided to stay out of it. You are doing the right thing op.

YoSofi · 24/10/2022 12:28

Given your update regarding how long it’s taken you to rebuild mentally I have changed my mind and think you’re doing the right thing saying nothing.

Protect your peace at all costs x

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