I’m not really me

[SomeoneSomewhere21]

I don’t feel that anyone around me knows the ‘real’ me.

It’s as though there are several different versions of me that I have to present to the World.

I’m a different person to different people so that they see and get what they need from me. Wife, Daughter, Mum, work colleague.

But there is not a single person who I can sit down with and be really honest with. About the past and my trauma from it, about my feelings, my hopes and dreams and fears for the future.

I don’t know what the point of my post is, just needing to vent really. I’m tired of being strong, sensible, lonely.

Can you take the mask off and just be yourself? Perhaps your trauma taught you that you had to mask?

Maybe now as an adult you can give yourself permission to leave freely and congruent? You don't need to pretend anymore. It's okay to be you.

Live freely* sorry

I think everyone has that to some degree - we can be different with different people. But I do understand where you’re coming from.

Honestly that person can be someone quite unexpected. For me it ended up being a woman at work I superficially had little in common with, and it ended up being a really nice, deep, sometimes intense friendship whereby I felt I could really be myself without any judgement. This also led me to being a bit more like myself with others.

If you’re adamant on wanting someone, look further away, not closer. Maybe an old friend you used to have a good connection with years ago, or someone who isn’t very embedded in your circle. See who you click with and get talking beyond small-talk. I have a lot of good conversations with old uni/ early jobs friends. Reason being, they don’t know any of the people involved that you might want to talk about. It’s harder to suddenly start opening up to family.

Why therapists work is because they don’t know you or your life, and that’s why people can be honest with them. And if it’s serious past trauma, they might be more appropriate.

What are you hiding? What behaviours and personality traits do you wish you could show?

I'm sure this will be related to the trauma you mentioned. It's not unusual to feel you can't be yourself, simply because when you were traumatised, you had to put a brave face on, rather than show how you really felt. Would you like to tell us about the trauma, or what sort of trauma it was? Opening up about that could be a first step. Or could you tell a therapist or counsellor?

I think it's good you've taken a first step here and admitted that you're hiding yourself; it sounds like you're ready for change.

If you do go to a therapist, find one that deals with trauma or a psychotherapist. Not CBT.

God this could have been written by me. It stems from trauma. Don’t know what the cure is.

Hey OP I understand you completely. I cringe when so can hear myself talking to people and some of my responses feel false.

Is there anything you want to share on here?

Thank you all for answering.
There is a new work colleague who I could be good friends with but I would feel guilty about opening up to them about everything and laying it on them. (I know that sounds silly).

I have had counselling twice before but there was so much to unpick. Just as I got comfortable and started to talk the ‘course’ would end. The CBT type counselling left me feeling more traumatised to be honest as made me feel it was my fault in many ways. I think I need to look in trauma based counselling as suggested thank you.

Sorry if this is not making sense, really helps to just write it out.

I also think back on conversations I have and think “why did you say that, you sounded silly” or I babble to try and fill silences as I don’t know how to ‘be’ acting is exhausting.

I wouldn't lay it on a new work colleague. You'd need to know someone a long time before gradually revealing your issues and gauging their response. For most people it would be too much and would damage the friendship.
This is what therapy is for.

@NiteGarden

I was on another forum and was encouraged to open up to new work friend (just under a year) but as you’ve said I just don’t think that would be fair.

You sound like you really judge yourself a lot @SomeoneSomewhere21 , I can empathise. I used to do that, go over conversations and find my faults. I did have counselling and it did help but it took time to make any difference. I think I just went through a phase of thinking sod it. I will be me and if people don't like it they can bugger off. And my thinking changed quite drastically and became quite angry.... Except the people around me didn't treat me any differently for behaving like a bit of an idiot and I realised it is because they aren't judging me anything like the way I am judging myself! You are your own worst critic, and maybe the only one!

I don't know what helped me, the brene brown book on shame was good, that lit some lightbulbs in me "The gift of imperfection", also her ted talks are good. I read a lot about conditions of worth and the locus of evaluation - (carl Rogers - although not maybe not his books they are hard going). They felt relevant to me.

counsellingtutor.com/counselling-approaches/person-centred-approach-to-counselling/locus-of-evaluation/#:~:text=%E2%80%98Locus%20of%20evaluation%E2%80%99%20is%20%E2%80%98that%20to%20which%20people,by%20Carl%20Rogers%2C%20the%20father%20of%20person-centred%20counselling.

It is exhausting and it can change. I still have my moments don't get me wrong, but I have changed a lot in the last few years.

@SingingInTheAttic Yes, I do judge myself harshly I guess.

Thank you for the reading recommendations.

I am tired of feeling scared and anxious all the time and want to be myself but worry that I’m not good enough. I would really like to change that now, just not quite sure where to begin. (Extremely tight finances and SEN kids mean paying for/going to therapy out of the question right now).

Has something happened recently, a dissapointment that has led to you being over critical of yourself ?

We all donn different hats for different people, that is life, I think you are over anaylising at the moment, once your situation improves so will your confidence and self esteem.

Give it time.

I second that.

Is it possible that you are needing to share more than most people may need or want to know about a friend or acquaintance?
Maybe your significantly traumatic experiences are things that are best shared in therapy and not so much with casual friends, work colleagues, or even children. It is not so much that they would be judgemental as that they may not be equipped to respond appropriately to your disclosure.

If your network of people are responding positively to you, it may be that the person that you are and have become is experienced as positive inspire of your past trauma.

Validation or absolution should be sought from your therapist or priest. It is not an expectation to impose on your wider circle. They have accepted the you as you are warts and all.

It’s hard to explain as I don’t want a friend to tell my life story to and offload on to, just someone who I don’t feel I have to ‘perform’ in front of.

There is a lot of trauma from my past which shaped the person I am today. Physical and emotional abuse in childhood, sexual abuse in my late teens. A termination and later surgery which then affected my pregnancies and may have caused a later miscarriages. It feels overwhelming.

I want to draw a line and move on but have been told (by past counselling) to talk about those things and explore them safely but every time I try it’s like reopening old wounds. Confusing.

Read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. He was suicidal at 29 due to a whole bunch of past trauma. Then he suddenly recognised that none of it is happening any more, and stopped bothering about it. It sounds far fetched, but might be worth a go. It helped me no end. So did counselling, which I'd also recommend, but this is very accessible, cheap, and, well... now.

Audiobook here:

@Watchkeys thank you

Take it gradually. Open up a little bit at a time. So next time a friend says did you have a nice weekend, instead of saying 'great, thanks. You?' Say 'not really to be honest...' or whatever is the honest answer.
Go gently, no need to get everything out at once, just start to get used to giving little bits of your authentic self now and again. Admit when you're not happy or something hasn't gone well. Offer the odd genuine opinion even if it feels a bit risky.
Hopefully when you see that people don't judge or think less of you, you will gain confidence to share more.

@5128gap Good advice thank you

I felt like you.

I needed to accept myself as I was, and the darkest part I tried to hide. I looked at that part and realised I was actually okay, better than okay.
What other people think is irrelevant, it is what you think of you that matters.

I started by being honest about how I was feeling and the facade dropped. I started doing things that matched my values and not to keep the peace/fit in etc. I stopped seeing people that made me feel 'less than' or did not have my back. I choose to be on my own team, when someone hurt me instead of directly and immediately blaming myself I paused and asked what they could have done differently - questioning their ability to be a good friend/relative. I dropped the rope and started investing in my own well being.

When I could look myself in the eye from a parenting/adult point of view, I can see I was badly let down. I gave myself permission to feel upset that it was not kinder, better for me. I was not safe at any point as a child and teen, but I can keep myself safe now. I now look back not with harsh judgement but as someone that understands now why those things happened and what led to them.

I am survivor, someone that has been through a hell of a lot - and it has made me the strong and capable woman I am today. I am shaped by the adversity and the pain, and I am wiser for it. I don't need to share it all with anyone any longer, that desire has evaporated now I have accepted who I am warts and all, and can still feel self love and respect.

Speak to a counsellor if the need to share becomes overwhelming.
Don't confide in people you barely know or don't know very well, but perhaps consider having deeper conversations with them, so you can take the friendship to the next level. Some people want to operate in the safety of superficiality - so be sure your friends are keen to develop the honesty you are craving. I now have lots of very honest people around me, and I say how I actually feel, what feels important to me etc and my connections feel much more authentic and real as a result. I have banished the empty banal friendships that clutter up life.

@Kissingfrogs25 thank you for sharing, you sound like a really strong person.

Can you open up to yourself? Just remembered how much writing helped me. Can you start writing it all down? It makes you feel heard, and listened to, even though it's by you yourself. That's the most important person to hear and respect you, anyway, as it turns out.