I’m not really me

[SomeoneSomewhere21]

I don’t feel that anyone around me knows the ‘real’ me.

It’s as though there are several different versions of me that I have to present to the World.

I’m a different person to different people so that they see and get what they need from me. Wife, Daughter, Mum, work colleague.

But there is not a single person who I can sit down with and be really honest with. About the past and my trauma from it, about my feelings, my hopes and dreams and fears for the future.

I don’t know what the point of my post is, just needing to vent really. I’m tired of being strong, sensible, lonely.

But there is not a single person who I can sit down with and be really honest with. About the past and my trauma from it, about my feelings, my hopes and dreams and fears for the future.

There can be OP. A trained & experienced therapist would be the best place to start with disclosing your past trauma. If you do not have funds to pay for this privately - book an appointment with your GP, explain what you are struggling with, & ask to be referred.

You may find it helpful to jot some notes down to help you describe your past trauma to the GP. When I was first disclosing, I found it difficult to speak at all, let alone describe succinctly to a health care professional.

Please seek this help out, because while we are familiar with our own trauma, it can be too horrifying for 'laypeople' ie friends who are not clinically trained in eg abuse & ACE to deal with. And you being able to discuss it in detail with a professional will be immensely helpful to you, & eventually will also help you to let go of the 'imposter' feelings & many of the complicated feelings about not being able/allowed to tell the truth about whatever your experience was.

You sound like a self-aware, respectful, & very decent friend OP.
You deserve more counselling - PP was right to say seek out trauma-based therapy.

OP this feeling of 'performance' is a very common byproduct of CSA & ACE.
It's a form of imposter syndrome.
You spent a great deal of your childhood unable to be authentic, unable to express what what being perpetrated on you, & unable to seek help. Hardly surprising that you have difficulty feeling like "you", is it?

While you wait for therapy (I've caught up with you now & realise this needs to be NHS) dive into some of the resources PP have suggested.

I want to draw a line and move on but have been told (by past counselling) to talk about those things and explore them safely but every time I try it’s like reopening old wounds. Confusing.
I understand.
For me, the initial disclosure & early therapy sessions were immensely painful.
The more practice I got, & the more I have been able to engage in subsequent counselling, the easier it has become to explore. So much easier in fact, that, on embarking on CBT course (NOT recommending that for you at this stage btw) this year, I was able to provide my case worker with a potted history of what happened, what the effects have been, & the names of the mental health conditions I manage in 10 minutes flat - & then crack 'graveyard humour' jokes about it.

This is not to boast, & it's not about me, but I want to give you some comfort that you WILL become more comfortable with yoiur history, & how you manage it, as you progress with more therapy. And you absolutely deserve it OP - none of what happened was your fault, & you are stronger than you know, just for surviving it.

Amazing post @Kissingfrogs25 - especially this, which I hope gives OP great comfort -
I am survivor, someone that has been through a hell of a lot - and it has made me the strong and capable woman I am today. I am shaped by the adversity and the pain, and I am wiser for it. I don't need to share it all with anyone any longer, that desire has evaporated now I have accepted who I am warts and all, and can still feel self love and respect.

That feeling of no longer needing to "share it all" is immense OP.
The need to disclose is strong, & has been beaten down for years, probably decades - it's a natural part of the healing, to need to expel that poison, to be heard, to be validated. And you can your own way to that feeling, or something similar that works for YOU, & enjoy your own version of it, in time.

Thank for taking the time to reply and for your kind and thoughtful words. I am taking it all on board.

I agree with pp the only place you are going to find closure is through therapy and sifting through it. Speaking to someone that is unqualified is risky, you have no idea of their reaction or response and you could be further damaged in the process, not because they don’t care but because they have no idea how to help you.

Do you think your friends would change their opinion if they knew the detail of your past? And if so why? We all have a past, do you know every inch of theirs? Of course not. Most adults are comfortable leaving the past where it is, unless there is good reason to raise it and judge other adults and friends on who they are TODAY.
After all you have grown up, learnt some life lessons maybe the hard way and matured. That’s who they see today, the woman made up all the challenges that were thrown at her, and harnessed that experience into something tangible and powerful.

To me you are describing self loathing. A sense that no one really sees the ugliness underneath, that you can’t be yourself because the truth is so bad. You are busy papering over the perceived cracks. That’s why you need help with this, there is nothing bad about you op, and yet you seem to imagine there is some secret shame in your past life.
Try at least to show your past self some empathy?

I could have written this and can really resonate.

Mine is also largely due to my upbringing, amongst other things. I was always the black sheep and no matter how hard I tried I never measured up and wasn't good enough, even though the version of me they wanted is just not me.

Over the years, as I've got older, I've always tried to be who or whatever the person in front of me wanted me to be. Which has meant I've lost myself completely and I've no idea who I really am anymore.

Bit of a ramble but I can completely empathise.