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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner never takes me out anywhere but now suddenly wants to

33 replies

Noodge · 22/10/2022 21:11

And I feel she's doing it out of duty?

We've not been getting on very well lately.

We don't live together. If I visit her she just wants to sit about the house and I find it very boring.

if she visits me we do go out, but it feels like It's under duress on her part. She doesn't enjoy it at all. She does have some personal, anxiety related reasons for it admittedly.

I have talked to her about this, as well as all sorts of other issues of her treating me badly and was contemplating ending it.

And now she's messaged me this evening saying she wants to take me out for dinner next weekend and 'Can you pick somewhere?'

She's categorically never done this.

Am I being passive aggressive by wanting to reply 'Don't be doing this because you feel you have to' (I won't)?

I just feel so down over her treatment of me recently that I am not sure I can trust my own thoughts and emotions if that makes any sense.

How would you approach it?

OP posts:
Isittrueornot · 22/10/2022 21:15

No!! She’s asked, you want too, so do it! Don’t throw it in her face for god sake!! She’s trying, why don’t you mention to her you appreciate the effort- flattery will get you everywhere

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 22/10/2022 21:15

She sounds like she's been listening to what you've said, and wants to be less selfish and try harder. Don't reply with what you've put in your post; that's cruel. Give her a chance.

PotKettleB · 22/10/2022 21:18

If you want to break up with her, just do it. Don’t discuss what bothers you to give her a chance to fix it, let her try it and then dump her as you planned all along. You either like her or you dont. And your post sounds like you don’t. And it sounds like she’s taken on board what you said and is prepared to listen and act on it.

Ekátn · 22/10/2022 21:20

Maybe it’s just the end of the road and you should end it anyway.

You talked to her about something, she is making an effort, despite not being comfortable going out, now you want to say no. Because you feel like she is only doing it because you told her you wanted her to do this.

Of course she is only doing it because you said you wanted her to. Why did you speak to her about it, if you didn’t want her to do it for you?

If you want her to magically want to start going out and this is important to you, that’s not going to happen. She isn’t going to change what she enjoys because it clashes with you. If you want someone who enjoys going out and doesn’t do it to make you happy, then end it.

Original poster
Noodge · 22/10/2022 21:25

Thank you. Good advice. I need to have a think about what I really want.

Obviously it isn't just this relatively small issue, there are others-but I do take on board what you've all said. I just couldn't get my head around it if I am honest.

:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 22/10/2022 21:27

I must add for context, she's known about my missing going out/not liking sitting about all day for over a year-it isn't as if I mentioned it a couple of days ago and she's offered straight away.

OP posts:
pavillion1 · 22/10/2022 23:33

Surely you would both fair better finding a more suitable partner ?
You can not force what's not there .
Just move on for both your sakes .

ViolinPin · 23/10/2022 00:07

Be honest.

If you do end things with her, don't make her social anxiety the reason you no longer wanted a relationship.

Original poster
Noodge · 23/10/2022 01:56

ViolinPin · 23/10/2022 00:07

Be honest.

If you do end things with her, don't make her social anxiety the reason you no longer wanted a relationship.

I honestly wouldn't do that. This is a very small issue, but there are a lot and this is very low down in the great scheme of things. I appreciate the advice, I've been stressed and lost my way of thinking about things.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/10/2022 02:14

Why don't you start to arrange things and invite her along? Surely you're not bound to sitting in with her. Go out by yourself.

Original poster
Noodge · 23/10/2022 02:18

Monty27 · 23/10/2022 02:14

Why don't you start to arrange things and invite her along? Surely you're not bound to sitting in with her. Go out by yourself.

I do do that and she will come out if I sort something. But as we're quite long distance it would be a bit odd to invite her over and then take myself off out somewhere. Or in her vicinity it would be odd too. And I guess what's the point if we want to be together?

OP posts:
pinheadlarry · 23/10/2022 02:22

Stop whining

EmmaH2022 · 23/10/2022 02:55

You're not the poster trying to sort girlfriend's bank issues by any chance?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2022 03:14

Am I being passive aggressive by wanting to reply 'Don't be doing this because you feel you have to' (I won't)?

Contempt ad sniping are just the death throes of a relationship. You asked her to move out of her comfort zone, even though she has anxiety, and when she does you want to be PA and unkind. Just set the poor woman loose to find a nice introvert to sit on the sofa with.

Bluebellandpansies · 23/10/2022 03:29

Go out on a date. Like date. Like fancy and stuff. take the bitterness out of it. Otherwise what's the point. You are right to feel this way, but it will get you stuck. 🌷

Original poster
Noodge · 23/10/2022 06:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2022 03:14

Am I being passive aggressive by wanting to reply 'Don't be doing this because you feel you have to' (I won't)?

Contempt ad sniping are just the death throes of a relationship. You asked her to move out of her comfort zone, even though she has anxiety, and when she does you want to be PA and unkind. Just set the poor woman loose to find a nice introvert to sit on the sofa with.

Strangely enough I am much more of an introvert than she is. But no I won't say that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 23/10/2022 06:39

And as I've said she has been really quite nasty with me, this is just one issue. I've not posted about other ones. I just wanted advice on this particular one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodge · 23/10/2022 06:41

Bluebellandpansies · 23/10/2022 03:29

Go out on a date. Like date. Like fancy and stuff. take the bitterness out of it. Otherwise what's the point. You are right to feel this way, but it will get you stuck. 🌷

I think I will. She wants me to decide where to go though. And I've no idea what budget she's thinking of or what she'll prefer.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2022 07:13

My first thought was that this is the famous "hoovering" manoeuvre, where one party senses that the other is pulling away and finally gives them some of what they want to suck them back in. When the victim is duly back in the box they go back to their old ways. This cycle can go on for years. If as you say the rest of the relationship has issues as well, it seems likely this is what's going on. The going out/staying in preference is almost an irrelevance - just another stick to subtly prod you with, over and over (beating would be too obvious). But maybe I'm just bitter, as I had one of these for far, far too long. Some people have an unhealthy way of relating to others, probably too deeply ingrained to change or perhaps even to understand that's what they're doing. It's not about whether they love you or not. But sometimes love is not enough.

Original poster
Noodge · 23/10/2022 07:24

Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2022 07:13

My first thought was that this is the famous "hoovering" manoeuvre, where one party senses that the other is pulling away and finally gives them some of what they want to suck them back in. When the victim is duly back in the box they go back to their old ways. This cycle can go on for years. If as you say the rest of the relationship has issues as well, it seems likely this is what's going on. The going out/staying in preference is almost an irrelevance - just another stick to subtly prod you with, over and over (beating would be too obvious). But maybe I'm just bitter, as I had one of these for far, far too long. Some people have an unhealthy way of relating to others, probably too deeply ingrained to change or perhaps even to understand that's what they're doing. It's not about whether they love you or not. But sometimes love is not enough.

I do feel a bit like it's this, I guess I implied that in my post saying I feel like she's doing this because she has to :(
I hope not.

OP posts:
WhiteChocMocha · 23/10/2022 08:47

Yup it does sound you aren’t really enjoying this relationship at the moment. What are the positives, what do you enjoy about her?

To me it sounds a bit like she is trying to turn a corner/ try harder. So unless you are convinced you want to end it right now, be nice, have an open mind, go along with it.

The passive aggressive reaction would really not do anyone any favours,

Hillrunning · 23/10/2022 08:52

So what if she feels she has to? You stated a need, she listened and is trying to provide it. She has deemed it a reasonable thing to try to do for your happiness in the relationship.

I can't understand why you would ask for something then be unhappy when she tries to do it.

Dery · 23/10/2022 09:02

It’s unclear why you’re hanging on to this relationship. She wasn’t meeting your needs. You’ve talked to her. She’s now making an effort and you want to slap her down. You sat she’s been nasty to you but you now want to send her mean messages.

Perhaps you see her actions as too little too late but overall it just sounds toxic and an unhappy relationship for both of you. This is not how a relationship should be. Why not end it before you make each other even more miserable?

Dery · 23/10/2022 09:05

It sounds basically as if you’re incompatible and that’s making you angry with each other. Better, surely, to find a more compatible partner.

Fenella123 · 23/10/2022 12:13

Like PPs I'm not getting the impression this relationship is a goer. Just deal with her in a civil, good faith manner. But if the way you feel is honestly, "I'm done", then do the right thing and tell her straight away.