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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend cant orgasm during sex

81 replies

SakeFck · 22/10/2022 19:00

my boyfriend's Delayed Ejaculation is destroying me

he has orgasmed 3/4 times and gone soft another 3/4 times. He said he's been this way for about 5 years, but never told me about it, ive had to bring it up and find out for myself over the months weve been together.He orgasms every time he masturbates.

I have a high sex drive and have had quite a few sexual partners, but I've never experienced anything like this. A man's orgasm is not only a kink of mine but linked to a long history of being told that it signifies great sex and approval (misogyny, maybe), so I cannot separate his orgasm from this.

I have been understanding and patient, and to his credit he's been willing to discuss it. But I feel fed up, angry, even jealous. I'm sick of reading articles about how girlfriends should be patient and kind and open, not talk about it or address it so the man doesn't feel pressure. I think there obviously must be more going on for me, but this is consuming me. We are fantastic together outside of the bedroom, open and vulnerable and emotionally intelligent and funny. But this is killing me.

Has anyone else had any experience in this?

OP posts:
MistySkiesAreGone · 24/10/2022 01:43

I've been with a guy who hardly ever comes due to retractile testicle. I think it can happen in teen years but normally resolves itself. I still haven't figured it out. I just made it clear I love giving pleasure (he is very giving) so lots of oral. I did in beginning express how much I love seeing the male orgasm and ask about various ways (he had explained he rarely does). In the end he did it afterwards with my help so that's what we have been doing

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 02:02

Macbeth8 · 24/10/2022 00:15

I know of two cases
An ex did this with other women (he could only orgasm with me) because I was his first and he still had very intense feelings for me so could never orgasm with other women.
Does he have any exes that he talks about or had a very intemse relationship with?

Another guy who was a fling could t orgasm because he was scared of getting me/girls pregnant
After some digging, he said he got his first gf pregnant and she had to have an abortion which was horrendous for him- seemed like he was from a very religious family
Could it be this? Could you talk more in depth and try to find out about his past relationships etc

If he can masturbate the issue is in his mind and not in his pants.

Naunet · 24/10/2022 08:56

SavoirFlair · 22/10/2022 19:41

Oh, another one?? Who hurt you?

In seriousness, can we get to a stage please on Mumsnet where a person can post about a male sexual problem, and folk can explore options other than “porn use” - can we get there people? It’s really tiresome

So you want us to ignore the obvious?! Why?

OP, I left my husband in part for this reason. He could only cum when watching porn or if I dressed up in a certain way and lay there silent and not moving, so as not to ‘put him off’ and he could focus on whatever it was he fantasised about. There was nothing in it for me, no pleasure at all and I felt completely used. He was incredibly selfish, never considered my pleasure.

Naunet · 24/10/2022 09:04

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2022 08:58

Urgh.
It's not simple if the guy doesn't watch porn.
It could just as easily be something in his head, lack of friction, too used to masturbating in one way.

If a woman were to come on here and say she's struggling to climax during sex noone woild suggest porn use was the issue.

For Christ sake, BECAUSE MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT.

Not every fucking thread has to descend into a “if this was the other way around” poor menz show.

Macbeth8 · 24/10/2022 09:34

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 02:02

If he can masturbate the issue is in his mind and not in his pants.

The two guys I mentioned could climax masterbating too & one with me...but I know 100% the one guy was not climaxing with other women..I even jad message of other women about it

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 24/10/2022 09:53

Pandor · 23/10/2022 04:21

Unless the issue is around struggling to conceive, why is this being treated any differently to a woman not orgasming during PIV sex?

sex (when done purely for fun) doesn’t have to end with him coming any more it has to end with the OP coming. Alternatively it can start with PIV and then you can switch to other things if that works better.

Some of the answers on here are so limited and totally ignorant about male sexuality and the psychology of sex. That focus on “the guy has to come otherwise the sex (and him) has failed” is absolutely part of the problem.

If a guy was so limited in his thinking that he suggested on here that his female partner’s inability to come during PIV made sex seem shit and pointless for him he’d be (rightly) told to fuck off then.

He certainly wouldn’t be told that the way her body responded was her fault so she should be dumped.

Blathering on about how men “should” come more easily is irrelevant, as you are still wrongly focussing on the idea that he has to come for the sex to to be worth anything.

Totally agree. Honestly, some of the replies on here!

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