Page 3 | Boyfriend cant orgasm during sex

Bluebellandpansies · 23/10/2022 02:39

At that age DE quicks in for a good number of male and they need extra stimulation to get on with it. He has to go quietly have a check up. Bad veins, bad sex. He has to exercise and eat a balanced diet to be able to get to the second part of his life with proper sex. For both of you.
But.
Porn addiction is a real death harvester of real life sex.
If Porn is his girlfriend. For better and for worse. He has wired his brain that way for over a decade now. You are up against an addiction. He has to stop his addiction to porn and also has to be willing to relearn normal sexual interaction. You will never be enough. No woman can compete with that. Until he accepts that he has a problem and he wants to have sex with a real woman - you hopefully, for the few good years he has left - I seriously suggest you are done with him. It will take years and perhaps therapy. And you are not treated fairly. He has absolutely zero problem and zero incentive to change. I hope you realise that. It's not just a bed problem. It will not go away. If he is not
on board leave, you cannot do something about it. It's not about your good will, you fitness, your tricks in bed, it's nothing about you. You as a couple need external help and he needs to want to change and face an adult sexual life
and all the complexity that goes with it in the background. (he started that in his 30ies when absolutely fit) Decide for yourself if you accept this situation. We put ourselves through ordeals and are accomodating of wild behaviours because culture. "It's just porn". If what is happening is "because porn" he is quietly unhinged and this is damaging you. That would be my first LTB.

cole3200 · 23/10/2022 02:40

Helppp.... so I am 38yrs young and I have been married to my husband for 19yrs together 22yrs. Anyhoo the past Yr he has went off sex. Now I would eat him alive everyday if he would let me. But he's gone off it. Still wants a kiss and a cuddle everyday which is lovely. Anyway when we have sex maybe once a week he is now struggling to orgasm
, which is making me feel really useless as I am a bigger girl. He is all for pleasing me right enough. But even though it comes to the'peak' if you like he Just can't do it. I try to 'help' but it dosnt seem to work. I am so sorry this is detailed I really didn't want to do this, but I am feeling horrible within myself:( if anyone has any wise words, please let me know. Thank you and sorry xx

Bluebellandpansies · 23/10/2022 02:45

cole3200 · 23/10/2022 02:40

Helppp.... so I am 38yrs young and I have been married to my husband for 19yrs together 22yrs. Anyhoo the past Yr he has went off sex. Now I would eat him alive everyday if he would let me. But he's gone off it. Still wants a kiss and a cuddle everyday which is lovely. Anyway when we have sex maybe once a week he is now struggling to orgasm
, which is making me feel really useless as I am a bigger girl. He is all for pleasing me right enough. But even though it comes to the'peak' if you like he Just can't do it. I try to 'help' but it dosnt seem to work. I am so sorry this is detailed I really didn't want to do this, but I am feeling horrible within myself:( if anyone has any wise words, please let me know. Thank you and sorry xx

You should open a new thread this is unfair to the OP. Hope someone answers you then.

WitchyMother · 23/10/2022 02:50

dump him

Bigdaddy6987 · 23/10/2022 03:34

In same situation i got a really high sex drive.
Currently led on sofa.
Got home from night out i was sat in mancave. She walks through door 5 mins later she asks if i want to come to bed.
Within 5 mins shes asleep. I then get up to move son into his bed. She wakes up moaning because i turnt tv off, asked where im going then led bk down

Use to have sex at least 2 times a day now lucky if its twice a month.
Im 35 shes 33 been together since she was 18 married in 2017.
I resent her so much lately its unreal.
When we do have sex its good use to be amazin but lately i cant go near her.
Mainly out of fear of rejection.

Bappyhunny · 23/10/2022 03:52

I’m shocked how many people say you should dump him, but sadly this might be the only solution. It’s sad because you seem to be a good match otherwise, but sex is such an important factor in a relationship, if you’re not well matched then it’s likely to ruin your relationship.

My partner seems to have the same problem as your partner, probably worse. Been together for 5 years and I can probably count the number of times he orgasmed during penetrative sex on one hand.

It also takes him literally hours to get turned on. He says it’s because he’s simply desensitised. I suspect growing up with porn contributed, although he never confirmed it.

He says he mainly can’t be bothered and sex is a hassle. I’m ok with this as I don’t like sex, so we’re a perfect match.

But I have been in relationships where the guys (understandably) wanted sex. I tried to put up with it, but it just ended up with both parties being unhappy.

It's not worth the heartbreak. There is a partner out there who is a better match.

Look after yourself xx

Pandor · 23/10/2022 04:21

Unless the issue is around struggling to conceive, why is this being treated any differently to a woman not orgasming during PIV sex?

sex (when done purely for fun) doesn’t have to end with him coming any more it has to end with the OP coming. Alternatively it can start with PIV and then you can switch to other things if that works better.

Some of the answers on here are so limited and totally ignorant about male sexuality and the psychology of sex. That focus on “the guy has to come otherwise the sex (and him) has failed” is absolutely part of the problem.

If a guy was so limited in his thinking that he suggested on here that his female partner’s inability to come during PIV made sex seem shit and pointless for him he’d be (rightly) told to fuck off then.

He certainly wouldn’t be told that the way her body responded was her fault so she should be dumped.

Blathering on about how men “should” come more easily is irrelevant, as you are still wrongly focussing on the idea that he has to come for the sex to to be worth anything.

butterfliedtwo · 23/10/2022 04:38

josuk · 22/10/2022 23:06

Just imagine the reverse of your post, OP.
Man coming here complaining his female partner doesn’t orgasm. And making it about him feeling bad about himself. Saying - female orgasm is his kink and how he measures his quality as a lover.
Then talking about how he is trying to fix her.
And people piling up saying - she masturbates too much; she watches too much porn; she isn’t attracted enough to him, etc.

Really…. If you can’t relax and not make sex/his orgasm about propping up your self esteem - you need to let him go. You will end up hurting him and yourself.

He may be lucky enough to meet someone understanding who can just enjoy sex and intimacy together with him without judgements and expectations. And who knows - his ‘issues’ may go away if he manages to not focus on it all.

Agree with this. You aren't sexually compatible. Let him go and find someone who you are compatible with.

NHSmum123 · 23/10/2022 05:55

You've made this into all about you.
The stress and pressure ed is such a personal thing,wheres the support? It's not about him bring attracted to you or not.

Original poster

SakeFck · 23/10/2022 07:41

Morning, thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

I felt horrendous yesterday, it really came to a head. I was so angry at him and resentful. I know i will probably feel like that again, but i am going to try and be kinder. I know its because hes got a day off today and i knew what he would be doing.

He also told me at the start of the week that he was on sex sites and was telling me in case i saw him on there. He had cancelled his subscription but realised he hadnt deleted his account. Says he was on a website and saw his profile there and that he'd never had a profile on that site, so says it was a sister site of one he had put a profile on. They are deleted now as far as I'm aware. He told me and didnt need to, and he sounded genuine, but even writing that down, i know sounds off.

But, I'm going to give things one more try, I'm going to choose to trust he will do the right thing and make changes i think only he really knows he needs to make. I'm going to work on my self esteem and confidence.

OP posts:

WitchyMother · 23/10/2022 07:43

Thanks for updating us. It's your life of course but I wouldn't choose to trust with this particular man. I would leave before you are unable to trust any man. I don't see how you could work on your self esteem successfully with him in your life but hey all the best.

RandomMusings7 · 23/10/2022 08:53

What does sex sites mean? The type where you interact with cam girls and tip them? The kind where you are matched with strangers sharing your kinks? Good old porn sites (who The fuck pays a subscription for acces to porn nowadays?)?

It's a porn problem and it has desensitesed him to real sex and real women. You can try and fix him but 1) it's not your job and 2) it will fail and you will have wasted time and experienced unneccesary heartbreak

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2022 08:58

RandomMusings7 · 22/10/2022 19:45

Occam's razor. The simplest explanation is usually right.

Show quote history

Urgh.
It's not simple if the guy doesn't watch porn.
It could just as easily be something in his head, lack of friction, too used to masturbating in one way.

If a woman were to come on here and say she's struggling to climax during sex noone woild suggest porn use was the issue.

RandomMusings7 · 23/10/2022 09:02

@Whataretheodds I take it you haven't read OPs last update.

A woman not being able to orgasm is not equivalent because 1. Only 30% of women orgasm from penetration, so it's not the norm. But it absolutely is the norm for men and 2. A significantly smaller percent of women consume porn daily so it's statistically not the most likely explanation

ArcticSkewer · 23/10/2022 09:52

Wtf is a sex site? Something like fab swingers? In that case, op, quite possibly he wants a vanilla sex life with someone pretty but it doesn't actually turn him on - really he likes something much seedier. You are his cover story, perhaps to himself.

I was interested though in both your choice of man and your reaction to him not being able to cum. Do you deliberately choose men a bit 'beneath' your objective type to bolster self esteem or to feel safe? Just a bit of cod psychology - ignore if not appropriate.

Pandor · 23/10/2022 09:55

RandomMusings7 · 23/10/2022 09:02

@Whataretheodds I take it you haven't read OPs last update.

A woman not being able to orgasm is not equivalent because 1. Only 30% of women orgasm from penetration, so it's not the norm. But it absolutely is the norm for men and 2. A significantly smaller percent of women consume porn daily so it's statistically not the most likely explanation

Lovely, so your attitude when someone is struggling with an aspect of sex is firstly to say they’re not “normal” (that always helps) and secondly to find a reason to blame them for not meeting your standard of normal.!

That’s a really shitty attitude. As is that fucking awful trope about “death grip”. If a woman says she can only come by being touched in a certain way the sensitive response is to try to accommodate that (and certainly not blame her masturbatory habits).

If a man says the same thing it is his fault for masturbating the wrong way because it is his job to always make sure he can come as easily as possible (but not too easily). It’s absurd.

Thisthatandtheotherthing · 23/10/2022 10:15

With the mention of six sites, I'm going to assume part of the problem at least is a reliance on this visual aid, but that's not necessarily the problem.
Masterbation for men is dryer than the real deal, they get used to that amount of friction and then wet sex doesn't feel as good anymore. He has desensitised his penis. He either needs to abstain from masterbating, or he needs to only do it with a fleshlight for a long while. Should re align himself with sex.

This and open communication. Maybe you need to be with him when he is making himself come, make him feel more comfortable around you.

It's difficult to give advice because you've only really given your perspective

Hooverphobe · 23/10/2022 10:23

How can you delete “your” profile from a site you allegedly didn’t create? Surely if the profile is “nothing to do with you”, you’d have no login credentials linking to said profile…

he’s just another porn-hound - throw him back.

Tsort · 23/10/2022 10:43

Lovemusic33 · 22/10/2022 20:35

It funny how women react to a man not being able to orgasm during PIV but many woman are unable to orgasm during PIV?

If he’s able to finish himself then everything is obviously working perfectly fine,. Many women can only reach orgasm by doing it themselves and that’s not down to porn use or medication. So ignore the ‘death grip’ comments, there’s no such thing as the death grip or porn induced ejaculation issues.

Not everyone can orgasm through PIV.

Maybe work on other ways of making it happen? If he’s enjoying sex and your enjoying it then what does it matter if he finishes or not (or finishes by hand)?

This.

Also, if a partner reacted like this to me not orgasming from PIV, I’d be incredibly upset and I’m fairly certain MN would advise me to end it.

bumpertobumper · 23/10/2022 11:27

It is common for men who have been sexually abused as children to not be able to orgasm during sex.
Boys being abused is also more common than we'd like to think.
Tread carefully, he may have sexual trauma.
Might not, but something to to bear in mind. It's not about how attractive he finds you/your 'performance'

Cafenero35 · 23/10/2022 21:58

It’s funny on here 😅 no way does wanking/watching porn have an effect on climaxing during sexual activity with your partner.

He probably needs a particular stimulus to get there but he feels embarrassed saying it. Try sticking your finger up his arse, he’ll either have a massive orgasm or call the police but either way it will give you some closure

Octoberblues · 23/10/2022 22:17

My ex had this, but it turned out that it wasn't a problem with his boyfriend. I should have realised, but was young and naïve.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2022 00:04

SakeFck · 23/10/2022 07:41

Morning, thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

I felt horrendous yesterday, it really came to a head. I was so angry at him and resentful. I know i will probably feel like that again, but i am going to try and be kinder. I know its because hes got a day off today and i knew what he would be doing.

He also told me at the start of the week that he was on sex sites and was telling me in case i saw him on there. He had cancelled his subscription but realised he hadnt deleted his account. Says he was on a website and saw his profile there and that he'd never had a profile on that site, so says it was a sister site of one he had put a profile on. They are deleted now as far as I'm aware. He told me and didnt need to, and he sounded genuine, but even writing that down, i know sounds off.

But, I'm going to give things one more try, I'm going to choose to trust he will do the right thing and make changes i think only he really knows he needs to make. I'm going to work on my self esteem and confidence.

This is so alarming and so sad. Do you really not think you're worth more than this? What you see is what you get, op. He will not be changing.

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 00:11

SakeFck · 22/10/2022 19:00

my boyfriend's Delayed Ejaculation is destroying me

he has orgasmed 3/4 times and gone soft another 3/4 times. He said he's been this way for about 5 years, but never told me about it, ive had to bring it up and find out for myself over the months weve been together.He orgasms every time he masturbates.

I have a high sex drive and have had quite a few sexual partners, but I've never experienced anything like this. A man's orgasm is not only a kink of mine but linked to a long history of being told that it signifies great sex and approval (misogyny, maybe), so I cannot separate his orgasm from this.

I have been understanding and patient, and to his credit he's been willing to discuss it. But I feel fed up, angry, even jealous. I'm sick of reading articles about how girlfriends should be patient and kind and open, not talk about it or address it so the man doesn't feel pressure. I think there obviously must be more going on for me, but this is consuming me. We are fantastic together outside of the bedroom, open and vulnerable and emotionally intelligent and funny. But this is killing me.

Has anyone else had any experience in this?

I am 53. I've had these issues ever since my wife started wanting sex again, about 4 years? Worse the last 18 months because she wanted to leave and I have anxiety. I did an online course called Mojo and I still can't come every time, but it's most of the time. Things were better within a week!! I recommend he check it out

Yeah, so, she felt it must be her, and it's definitely not. I don't want anyone more than her. It's a difficult time. Yeah, I always make sure she's done before I go in, and that's sometimes the issue, it takes so long that I lose it. But going down on her is always a great option.

Macbeth8 · 24/10/2022 00:15

I know of two cases
An ex did this with other women (he could only orgasm with me) because I was his first and he still had very intense feelings for me so could never orgasm with other women.
Does he have any exes that he talks about or had a very intemse relationship with?

Another guy who was a fling could t orgasm because he was scared of getting me/girls pregnant
After some digging, he said he got his first gf pregnant and she had to have an abortion which was horrendous for him- seemed like he was from a very religious family
Could it be this? Could you talk more in depth and try to find out about his past relationships etc