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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you guys do?

30 replies

Kardelen · 22/10/2022 17:56

we visited my dh auntie from his dad side. His mum and dads divorced so she got angry when dh and we visited. So after that the drama began.

she wasn’t answering dh calls. When we went to visit her she was barely talking to me or to my toddler. She also started complaining how we don’t leave toddler with her.

that week she ended up having high bp/diabetes and crying episodes. She sometimes picked dh calls sometimes didn’t. She lives with her other grown up/married children.
when speaking to dh on the phone I also asked how she is doing, but all I got was fine so I left it at that.

today we visited her( we always visit weekends). She was upset that I didn’t call her during the week to ask how she is. And also that toddler doesn’t say nanny yet, so she wants me to visit during weekdays on top of weekend.

I am pregnant and I wanted to avoid getting into this as this stresses me out and her attitude made me cry last week. But dh said I should’ve called and treat her like she has mental issues and should visit her at least for one hour during the week. Baring in mind I also work and want to rest or take toddler to groups/ clean/ or Shopping on days that I’m off as can’t do that with dh being off on weekends from visiting his family.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 22/10/2022 17:59

tell your husband he can do it. She’s his mother.

Dacadactyl · 22/10/2022 18:03

My MIL can be a bit like this OP. I'm only part time so if she's a bit down in the dumps il try to go round. The only thing is, I'm doing it of my own volition. I'm not sure I'd like it if my husband told me to do it. Maybe he has found it easier to try to placate her over the years.

Do you both work FT? If so, I'm not sure why he's suggesting you should go round rather than him. But if you're PT, maybe he's hoping a visit midweek will smooth things over while she's feeling a bit under the weather.

If you don't want to do it, I think you are within your rights to say so (particularly as she's living with other relatives, so not entirely alone) It may just make things awkward with his side of the family, but I assume they all know what she is like.

Maytodecember · 22/10/2022 18:05

This is your husband’s aunt? Not his mother? And she lives with her own son or daughter? Then I can’t see the reason for you to visit, and her expectations to look after your child and he doesn’t speak yet are very unreasonable.
Tell your DH to deal with her.

DatingDinosaur · 22/10/2022 18:10

DH auntie got angry one time which has escalated? I’m not surprised you don’t want much to do with her. Let DH go visit/call himself – she’s his auntie after all.
YANBU to concentrate on you for a while.

Me being me, I’d probably say to her “if you wasn’t so difficult and critical/negative I wouldn’t have a problem calling/visiting”.

Of course, if she does have mental health problems then maybe a bit of leeway is needed but if she’s just mad/sulking because your DH’s parents divorced then why is she taking it out on you? She's bang out of order if that’s the case.

Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:11

do you mind me asking how many times you go every week?
im also pt, whereas he’s only off on the weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:14

No sorry. It’s his mother, living with 3 sons and a daughter in law. But she got angry we visited a relative she basically dislikes. We didn’t know she disliked either.
all started from there, but now is blaming me for not visiting during the week day when we go as a family on every weekend.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2022 18:15

Stay away from his frankly sounding batshit mother. It’s not up to her at all who you visit.

Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:15

Sorry! It’s dh mum who’s sulking as we visited dh auntie who she dislikes ( which we didn’t know).

and then she started having a problem with us and saying how I should be visiting weekdays, on top of weekends. Etc etc

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 22/10/2022 18:18

This is your own life. Not hers to direct. You decide what works for you and do that.

Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:30

I don’t understand if visiting 1 x a week sometimes 2 is not enough?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 22/10/2022 18:31

“Sorry! It’s dh mum who’s sulking as we visited dh auntie who she dislikes ( which we didn’t know).”

So she’s sulking because not only did you visit DH auntie but you didn’t have the magic psychic ability to know that DH mum doesn’t like DH auntie and therefore not visit???

She's jealous because somebody she doesn’t like is getting some attention??? Nutty as a fruitcake.

How do you manage not to laugh in her face at the stupidity of it all?

Get DH to ask his mum why she has a problem with you all visiting his auntie.
His mum. His auntie. He can ask the questions.

DatingDinosaur · 22/10/2022 18:33

Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:30

I don’t understand if visiting 1 x a week sometimes 2 is not enough?

It's plenty enough. You've got your family life to live and she's not living alone with nobody else to rely on for help with anything.

Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:34

yep!
so at the end she agreed that she can’t stop someone from visiting someone. But she’s still sulking, bp going up and down etc. and she blames it on me for not visiting during the weekday, on top of the weekend visits we do. And also that the toddler can’t say nan yet.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 22/10/2022 18:40

Tell DH he can do extra visits with his own mother.
Tell DH he can take toddler at weekend to visit his own mother.

You stay at home, either cleaning, resting or having fun. You are pregnant and don't need unnecessary stress. If shes going to blame you for stupid stuff then give her something to really complain about (not visiting at all).

beachcomber70 · 22/10/2022 18:42

MIL is being selfish and controlling, using emotional blackmail to interfere with your family and the needs of yourself and your toddler. And you're pregnant. It's disgusting.
She's lucky you visit her once a week. Very lucky. Stick to your guns, it's your life. And it's your DH's mother. He is the one to deal with her, talk sense to her, and set boundaries. His loyalty is to you and your children not a hysterical child-woman.

Dacadactyl · 22/10/2022 18:42

Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:11

do you mind me asking how many times you go every week?
im also pt, whereas he’s only off on the weekends.

If I know she is down about something, i generally would go once midweek, as well as a family weelend visit.. Mainly to help my FIL out cos she tends to pick up after I pop round.

If either my MIL or FIL is poorly or whatever, I would go round more frequently to see the other one.

If she doesn't seem to be down and neither of them is ill, we would go every weekend as a family and that'd be it.

Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:42

I just can’t understand the logic. Gave me a very hard time through my first birth experience, so I was very anxious when I found I’m pregnant with the second. I did tell my husband that I didn’t want history repeating, but seems like it’s going to be the same or if not worse. Tbh I’m starting to think whether she is acting this way because i am pregnant?

she complained that I didn’t call when her bp was high last week. But She wasn’t picking dh calls, and after when she started picking I asked how she is on dh phone. And all I got was a ‘fine’. so the whole thing just put me off, but here we have dh telling me I should’ve called and should think she’s acting this way due to mental health issues ( which she is not diagnosed with). But what about my mental health?

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 22/10/2022 18:42

As a side note with DH telling you that you need to call and visit HIS mother. Does he visit or call yours by himself? Why not?

Dacadactyl · 22/10/2022 18:43

Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:34

yep!
so at the end she agreed that she can’t stop someone from visiting someone. But she’s still sulking, bp going up and down etc. and she blames it on me for not visiting during the weekday, on top of the weekend visits we do. And also that the toddler can’t say nan yet.

Does she blame you, to your face? Or are you hearing that second hand from your husband?

Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:48

Thank you. when she’s upset she usually blames us for it. That’s why I think it’s tricky. What if she puts the blame on you for being down, and only uses one word answers when you did try to talk?

but maybe a one of visit during weekday once a month would be okay, but I don’t think It’s fair to tell me to go every week like a chore?

OP posts:
EndlessMagpies · 22/10/2022 18:49

Does she say all these things directly to you, or does it all come via your DH?

He's the one who should be sticking up for you and dealing with this.

Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:54

I wasn’t in the room because of toddler, was keeping him occupied while she was ‘opening up’ to him. But dh sibling said the same thing, and so did her best friend who we bumped into today. That I should be visiting during weekdays…
and now that I should’ve called when her bp was up.
also blamed me that I didn’t move in with them, when there’s a whole household of them living there, and no other extra rooms. The list just goes on….

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:57

This is why I didn’t want to call and to get stressed out. Didn’t want to interfere… but somehow dh will always side with his mum.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 22/10/2022 19:14

Kardelen · 22/10/2022 18:48

Thank you. when she’s upset she usually blames us for it. That’s why I think it’s tricky. What if she puts the blame on you for being down, and only uses one word answers when you did try to talk?

but maybe a one of visit during weekday once a month would be okay, but I don’t think It’s fair to tell me to go every week like a chore?

It would entirely depend on whether I understood where she was coming from if you see what I mean? So, if in your culture it is the norm for DILs to live with her...she may perceive it as an insult that you don't. So I would be more accommodating of someone who thought like this, than someone whose culture was different. Purely because at her age I doubt she is unlikely to change if you see what I mean?

I'm not sure I'm explaining it well, but I mean that she may not see where you are coming from if you are acting in a way that she perceives as "abnormal".

I would generally try to keep the peace and I would try to reach a workable compromise. So, if you're happy to go midweek once a month on top of weekly visits, I think that that's something you could put forward.

TheHauntedPencilCase · 22/10/2022 19:14

YANBU