How can a man never have met his own child?

Tinkersbellp · 2022-10-22T11:47:55+00:00

I’ve moved on romantically from my ex, happy in a new ish relationship with a very old friend. Dc 18 weeks and ex has never met them. He’s no other kids, has a comfortable life, I’ve never asked for finance and left the door open. My DP says he’s bad news but then he probably would say that I guess… I really wanted dc to know their dad. I feel I can’t really talk to dp about it as i worry it comes across that I want ex back which I absolutely don’t. I just feel strongly a father should know their dc and vice versa. I don’t want to communicate with ex as I see little point trying to encourage a relationship between them unless it comes from him. I just don’t get it. Why and how could someone ignore the fact they have a child?

GreyCarpet · 22/10/2022 13:13

I hear you.

My son is 24 years old and his father wouldn't know him if he passed him in the street. Never seen him; never met him; never enquired after him 🤷🏻‍♀️

He cheated on me when I was pregnant. My son has a half sister 5 months younger than him who my son found through a bit on online sleuthing. She has no idea her half brother exists I wouldn't imagine.

Although, said online sleuthing also suggests her mother prevented my ex from seeing her daughter at some point so I'm guessing it's blessing really...

It's shit but you really are both better off without him. Men who dip in and out cause far more damage than those who stay away.

It's your job to facilitate a relationship between them but you are not responsible for it.

EarthSwallowMeWhole · 22/10/2022 13:34

Out of sight, out of mind I expect

SpinningFloppa · 22/10/2022 13:38

Because they didn’t want them? I don’t think it’s surprising in an unplanned pregnancy, imagine a ONS type situation the woman keeps the child I imagine it’s very common for the man to not want to meet the child. (Not saying it’s right) but it’s usually unplanned pregnancies and the woman suddenly expects the man to want to be involved even though he made it
clear he wouldn’t be. Plenty of adults have grown up never meeting their father.

Soubriquet · 22/10/2022 13:39

He dipped his wick. That’s the extent of child making to him.

You had to grow that child and then birth it.

It’s a completely different set up.

SpinningFloppa · 22/10/2022 13:40

Also I think if they don’t meet the child they can pretend that they are not real and don’t exist, women get far more attached to children than some man who only wanted sex and woman has chosen to keep unplanned pregnancy

starrynight21 · 22/10/2022 13:43

It is quite common for men to be like this.They make a baby, then walk away and never give it a thought. In your shoes I'd forget the rose-coloured idea that a child must somehow know their father, even when the said father couldn't care less. Enjoy your new life and give your child a great life , too. It's your ex's loss .

Original poster

Tinkersbellp · 22/10/2022 13:45

All of this I agree with except ex is not a young man and his exact words were ‘I’ve wanted to be a dad all my life!’

I know it happens I just can’t understand it and don’t like to talk about it with DP as I think he understandably feels he has stepped in and is doing a great job with dc, which he is.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 22/10/2022 13:45

SpinningFloppa · 22/10/2022 13:38

Because they didn’t want them? I don’t think it’s surprising in an unplanned pregnancy, imagine a ONS type situation the woman keeps the child I imagine it’s very common for the man to not want to meet the child. (Not saying it’s right) but it’s usually unplanned pregnancies and the woman suddenly expects the man to want to be involved even though he made it
clear he wouldn’t be. Plenty of adults have grown up never meeting their father.

Generally, I'd agree but my son was very much planned and we'd been in a relationship for 3 years. Still dropped off the radar never to be seen again 🤷🏻‍♀️

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 22/10/2022 13:48

While your ex is obviously a twat for abandoning his child, you’re hardly painting yourself in w good light here. 18 weeks old and youve already introduced a new man to him, and he’s playing daddy? He shouldn’t be anywhere near your child yet.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 22/10/2022 13:49

The mother of my friend's child doesn't want him around, not because he's in any way dangerous or problematic, she simply doesn't want another adult in her own life and doesn't believe the child will suffer for having never had any contact with the father. My friend is ambivalent about it because he doesn't want the hassle of having to part parent a child, has no interest in the mother, and doesn't feel any sort of emotional draw towards the child. So the upshot of all that is he has never met his own child and the child has no knowledge of who he is. It's not a typical story of a feckless man impregnating a woman then buggering off. It was a one night stand that neither party ever intended to take any further, so all that's actually happened is pretty much what would have happened anyway if everything had been exactly the same and there had been no pregnancy.

SpinningFloppa · 22/10/2022 13:50

good point I read that as 18 months 😣 18 weeks?

im not justifying it just saying it’s not surprising when a ONS doesn’t want to meet the child, it’s very common.

EthicalNonMahogany · 22/10/2022 13:54

I don't think you are doing you or child any favours by not asking for money, by the way. Whether he wants to meet his child or not, whether he wanted to have a child or not, he had unprotected sex and made a child. He needs to support that child for many years to come. If you don't want the money put it in an account for your child.

mavismorpoth · 22/10/2022 14:01

I don't know but a lot of men are this way. It's like they are wired different or don't have the same connection to a child that a mother does.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 22/10/2022 14:01

my DD is nearly 16. Father is single multimillionaire never married had a v important job.
never paid maintenance never sent a birthday card never asked after her ever 🤷‍♀️Neither have his parents - we were engaged they all offered me money to terminate the pregnancy and I refused and I was 35 and he 40! The mind boggles it really does

Original poster

Tinkersbellp · 22/10/2022 14:03

ThingsIhavelearnt · 22/10/2022 14:01

my DD is nearly 16. Father is single multimillionaire never married had a v important job.
never paid maintenance never sent a birthday card never asked after her ever 🤷‍♀️Neither have his parents - we were engaged they all offered me money to terminate the pregnancy and I refused and I was 35 and he 40! The mind boggles it really does

@ThingsIhavelearnt this is scarily similar! Ex’s family never been in touch once either. Ex is similar age.

Those saying I shouldn’t be in a relationship… for all I know my ex is, why should I be alone when im with someone nice? I’ve known him for 9 years.

OP posts:

ParkheadParadise · 22/10/2022 14:05

Dd1 didn't meet her bio dad.
He didn't want anything to do with her and told everyone she wasn't his.
We were both kids at school when I ended up pregnant.
This mother would walk by us both and call me a slag.
I was lucky I had a very supportive family. DH was the only dad dd1 knew.

When she died he turned up. He was told by my family to fuck off. He didn't come to the funeral as he was upset🤷‍♀️ he did give an interview to a reporter.
I'm not proud of this but after she died he went to the cemetery and left flowers. In my grief ridden state I removed them took them to his mother's house (had no clue where he lived) flung them all over her garden shouting for him to come outside and if he went near the cemetery again I would kill him.
23 years he ignored her
23 years of not paying any money towards her
When dd1 was a child I would never have stopped contact. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have went along with it for dd1's sake.

Original poster

Tinkersbellp · 22/10/2022 14:06

@ParkheadParadise im so sorry. That is awful. What is wrong with people? What a horrible man.

OP posts:

Mariposista · 22/10/2022 14:08

I am that child. My father left my mother when she was 3 months pregnant. They were married in their 30s, not a silly one night stand neither. He had several other women and was a narcissist who treated her horrendously.

I had a wonderful childhood with my mum and grandma. However I never had a male role model that I could look up to, until I was 26 years old, so I am navigating the whole trusting men thing.

EndlessMagpies · 22/10/2022 14:16

My friend's adult son has never met his father, and doesn't want to. He was an abusive shit and my friend left him when she was pregnant.

Silverangels · 22/10/2022 14:20

ParkheadParadise · 22/10/2022 14:05

Dd1 didn't meet her bio dad.
He didn't want anything to do with her and told everyone she wasn't his.
We were both kids at school when I ended up pregnant.
This mother would walk by us both and call me a slag.
I was lucky I had a very supportive family. DH was the only dad dd1 knew.

When she died he turned up. He was told by my family to fuck off. He didn't come to the funeral as he was upset🤷‍♀️ he did give an interview to a reporter.
I'm not proud of this but after she died he went to the cemetery and left flowers. In my grief ridden state I removed them took them to his mother's house (had no clue where he lived) flung them all over her garden shouting for him to come outside and if he went near the cemetery again I would kill him.
23 years he ignored her
23 years of not paying any money towards her
When dd1 was a child I would never have stopped contact. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have went along with it for dd1's sake.

The same thing happened to someone I know

her ds died in an accident as a young adult

father had never met him,never paid for him-nothing,but when the lad died,the father was all over the papers to tell the world what a fab lad his son had been (he had been a fab lad but I knew him-his father had never met him)

his mum had much more dignity than I would have done-she let it go-she was too busy grieving her boy

people where buying this bloke drinks in the pub to say how sorry they where and doing shit like paying off/writing off some debts to help this guy etc

anyway,about 3 weeks after the funeral,my brother happened to be at a house party and the ‘dad’ was there-wailing and howling about his son and how much he missed him (he’d never bloody met him-he’d walk past them in the street) and my brother got mad

hed been close (ish) to the dead lad and ‘had a word’ but this loser ignored him and carried on wailing

somebody ended up decking him-put him in hospital-I don’t
know who,and I shouldn’t agree with it-but this bloke fucking deserved it-using a dead child to get out of paying for stuff and a few drinks at the pub-bloody parasite

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/10/2022 14:28

mavismorpoth · 22/10/2022 14:01

I don't know but a lot of men are this way. It's like they are wired different or don't have the same connection to a child that a mother does.

Of course they don't. Women who have a bio child spend 9 months growing the baby inside them. The baby is physically part of them. It's an inseparable bond. (And one I envy - adoptive mum here.)

Men simply don't have that, which is why it's vital they build it in the weeks and months after birth. If that doesn't happen, they won't develop those feelings.

Sikaris · 22/10/2022 14:29

Those saying I shouldn’t be in a relationship… for all I know my ex is, why should I be alone when im with someone nice? I’ve known him for 9 years.

I'm not going to judge you for that but my god woman, where do you get the energy from when you have an 18 week old???? Are you superwoman?

mavismorpoth · 22/10/2022 14:33

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/10/2022 14:28

Of course they don't. Women who have a bio child spend 9 months growing the baby inside them. The baby is physically part of them. It's an inseparable bond. (And one I envy - adoptive mum here.)

Men simply don't have that, which is why it's vital they build it in the weeks and months after birth. If that doesn't happen, they won't develop those feelings.

Show quote history

I totally agree with you, I just refrained from saying it as a backlash to that can happen. Well done for adopting, a wonderful thing to do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2022 14:33

You should claim maintenance, especially if you’re relying on your new boyfriend for financial support. It’s not his baby, the actual dad should pay what’s due. Nothing virtuous about not claiming.

badassbaby · 22/10/2022 14:33

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 22/10/2022 13:48

While your ex is obviously a twat for abandoning his child, you’re hardly painting yourself in w good light here. 18 weeks old and youve already introduced a new man to him, and he’s playing daddy? He shouldn’t be anywhere near your child yet.

What the hell?
Who are you to set a time frame for the OP?
You know absolutely nothing about her but make comments like that?
Shame on you!