How can a man never have met his own child?

[Tinkersbellp]

I’ve moved on romantically from my ex, happy in a new ish relationship with a very old friend. Dc 18 weeks and ex has never met them. He’s no other kids, has a comfortable life, I’ve never asked for finance and left the door open. My DP says he’s bad news but then he probably would say that I guess… I really wanted dc to know their dad. I feel I can’t really talk to dp about it as i worry it comes across that I want ex back which I absolutely don’t. I just feel strongly a father should know their dc and vice versa. I don’t want to communicate with ex as I see little point trying to encourage a relationship between them unless it comes from him. I just don’t get it. Why and how could someone ignore the fact they have a child?

Sorry for your loss @ParkheadParadise mine was the same situation with oldest ds. Still at school just turned 16. He would deny it to some people but admit it to others 🤔 We stay in a small town so would often see me in the street with ds. He would look at him but put his head down as soon as he noticed me staring. His family never took anything to with son. I only ever saw his mother once when son was a few months old n she came over like oh is that my grandson I stay there if you ever need someone to watch him. Told her nicely that’s what my mum was for. She was a heavy addict so was never going to happen. Never stopped his dad at all as we were young and thought he would maybe change his mind as he got older. Ds dad has been dead for many years now though

Claim CM and, if you don't need it, put it in an account for your DC. They may not know their father, but they're entitled to be supported by both their parents and that money could come in very useful for them as a young adult. Why wouldn't you?

I think people querying that you are in a relationship with someone who is not the father to your child that is 18wks old, is then trying to determine how serious a relationship it was with your ex/how long you have been separated.

Did you both plan this child? When he said he wanted to be a dad, was this more "one day in the future" and you took it as 100% with you?

When you discovered you were pregnant, did he have any doubts about keeping the child? At what point did you separate and how long were you together prior to that?

Those saying I shouldn’t be in a relationship… for all I know my ex is, why should I be alone when im with someone nice?

I find this sort of attitude fascinating. As though being alone for any period is something to be avoided at all costs.

Were you actually single for any length of time, OP? Or did you immediately, presumably whilst pregnant, start a new relationship with the nearest appropriate man?

@ParkheadParadise i meant similar not same

Do you need the money?
If so, I would file a claim for payments.

Give it time and encourage gently from time to time. Not making any excuses for your ex as I haven't RTFT and don't know the wider detail beyond it either. Men, especially, can take time to work out the right thing to do in this sort of situation especially when there is a new partner and sometimes don't want to rock the boat for their child in a caring but potentially misguided way and stay away even though their hearts are breaking. Or he might be awful, disinterested, flit in and out leaving carnage behind him for 18+ years which will need to be mitigated. Only time will tell.

I'd argue you 'should' be claiming child support regardless but I can understand why you may have decided not to within the situation.

BUT.

Red flag that your new partner's opinions are meaning you can't discuss or get support with this very nuanced tricky situation which will need careful handling for the rest of the child's life and especially next 18 years. Not so much of a friend, really, is he? He's not the one for you. I know what good stepparenting looks like and this isn't it.

Happens far more often that people think. Im my case he did not want to be a father and walked out for years. Finally showed his face again but was useless and we do not see him now.

Friends dd did not meet her dad till she was 19. He would ignore her and her mum when he saw them but all of a sudden wanted to meet her so she agreed. At her wedding last year he gave a speech about how proud he was to have raised such a wonderful daughter. I was seething on behalf of my friend. The girl is 24 so he has only been barely in her life 5 years.

He obviously didn't really want a child OP. How long were you together?

And given that you've already quickly moved on to your next boyfriend, he probably thinks it's all too complicated, too much hassle and is happy to duck out and let your new man play happy families.

Yes, it's shit but not uncommon.

Easier, low self esteem, limited emotional range, prioritising self. To be honest DH has been a brill Dad to parent with, throughout, and misses 19yo dd like crazy since she left for uni, but has he called her or messaged her? No. I knew this would happen. I sometimes wonder how he would connect with her if we were separated. I think it would be down to her. I don't get it. But I do know lots of Dad's that are different.