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Original poster

Unhappy about an older parent's new relationship?

49 replies

hellosunshineday · 22/10/2022 09:56

NC for this.

A few years ago, my mum passed away very suddenly. She was my dad's carer and they loved each other very much. In all our imagined scenarios, we'd always figured that dad would probably die first as he has such extensive health issues, but life certainly delivered us a 'plot twist'.

About 8 months after mum passed, dad made it clear he didn't want to be alone. My own grief was still very raw so I told him I wasn't against the idea but I wasn't ready to discuss it with him yet. Well, fast forward to now and dad has met someone. They're both in their early 80s but are quite tech savvy so it's constant WhatsApp messages and video calls and I think a proposal is probably not too far off. It took a bit of getting used to but I'm happy for them and I think my mum would have liked her too.

I've met with varying reactions from friends and extended family though. I've had people say 'how could you be ok with this? I'd be furious.' Another has said that dad is 'dishonouring mum' and one friend said that if her elderly mum met someone, she'd probably have to go NC as even if the new partner was a good man, she'd feel like her father's memory was being wiped away.

And oh, one person told me they'd be worried about their inheritance. I've never believed it's right to feel entitled to an inheritance anyway, as firstly it's dad's money to do what he wants with and all sorts of things can happen (care home fees etc) but that's a different subject. Overall though, been surprised at some of the very negative reactions.

So it's an emotional adjustment of course but I don't think I have the right to say whether my parent gets into a new relationship or not. Ok, if she was a bad person, I'd definitely be sharing my concerns but she is very nice, so if he's happy, I'm happy.

Has anyone else had an older/elderly parent get into a new relationship? How did you feel about it?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 22/10/2022 09:59

I do think he needs to be savvy about his money/property and not just marry blindly.
He should be asking the advice of a solicitor if he goes down that route.

Mabelface · 22/10/2022 09:59

My mum married him. Been together 12 years and now in their 80s. Whilst he's not who I would have chosen, they're happy and he absolutely loves her.

Original poster
hellosunshineday · 22/10/2022 10:01

KangarooKenny · 22/10/2022 09:59

I do think he needs to be savvy about his money/property and not just marry blindly.
He should be asking the advice of a solicitor if he goes down that route.

Yes...they're not married (yet) but they have discussed this. To be honest, neither of them have a great deal anyway.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 22/10/2022 10:02

I think those saying ‘ you should be furious’ etc should mind their own business. Old doesn’t equal stupid. If your dad spent his life being a good partner to your mum, THAT is all the ‘honouring’ needed.
Your dad has a very limited amount of time left- why shouldn’t he spend it with a companion rather than being miserable?

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2022 10:03

Given that you originally felt that you couldn’t discuss or contemplate the idea, soon after your mum died, I don’t think it’s so surprising that other people feel this way - do you? Presumably most of them are speaking from a position that their own parents are still alive?

My mum is dead. My dad was adamant that there would never be anyone else … until there was. It was very difficult to process, and I can’t say I was as happy about it as you sound although I have tried my very best. I do think things like finances have to be discussed at this later stage of life, and whilst it doesn’t feel like a betrayal of my mum it does feel as if it’s somehow a breaking of a bond - it’s hard to explain.

I’m happy if my dad is happy, in principle. In practice it’s a more difficult thing to navigate, I suppose.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 22/10/2022 10:05

I’d feel very angry with the friends who are making judgements against your dad when they have absolutely no idea of what he’s been through.

When they have lost their lifelong partners and are facing the rest of their lives alone, then they can have an opinion. Until then they know fuck all
about what they’re saying.

coffy11 · 22/10/2022 10:06

It's no one's business but his, he has a right to be happy.

saraclara · 22/10/2022 10:07

My mum didn't remarry, but she did have a new relationship relatively soon after my dad died, and they kept their own homes, but stayed with each other at the weekends.
It felt odd initially, but he's a really good guy. It didn't last as a relationship, but they remain friends, and he's been a tower of strength for my brother and I since mum became disabled.

Don't listen to your friends. If you like this woman and she makes your dad happy, there's absolutely nothing disrespectful about him moving on.

Stressfordays · 22/10/2022 10:08

I would love my Mum to meet someone now my Dad has passed. It would be amazing for her to feel loved again in that way. It doesn't wipe away their memory or anything like that, older people are still people! They want to feel loved and cared for. I'm a nurse in a nursing home and seen many companionship relationships flourish in the nursing home, I think its a beautiful thing. Life goes on after death, and everyone deserves happiness.

Original poster
hellosunshineday · 22/10/2022 10:09

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2022 10:03

Given that you originally felt that you couldn’t discuss or contemplate the idea, soon after your mum died, I don’t think it’s so surprising that other people feel this way - do you? Presumably most of them are speaking from a position that their own parents are still alive?

My mum is dead. My dad was adamant that there would never be anyone else … until there was. It was very difficult to process, and I can’t say I was as happy about it as you sound although I have tried my very best. I do think things like finances have to be discussed at this later stage of life, and whilst it doesn’t feel like a betrayal of my mum it does feel as if it’s somehow a breaking of a bond - it’s hard to explain.

I’m happy if my dad is happy, in principle. In practice it’s a more difficult thing to navigate, I suppose.

I do understand that feeling of 'breaking a bond'. It's also very strange seeing her pottering around my dad's house which was the family home that my mum loved so much. It's a very complex set of feelings and I am still processing it, so I can empathise with some of what you're experiencing (I think!)

It's the outright negative, almost horrified reactions from some others that I'm unsure about. It feels like they're saying he doesn't deserve another chance at being happy. That's the bit I struggle with.

OP posts:
CPL593H · 22/10/2022 10:13

You sound sensible, well adjusted and caring OP. Some of the people around you, not so much.

I'm a widow who remarried. I was decades younger than 80s and still got judged by some. The love for the new person does not change that felt for the one who died, it doesn't wipe out the experiences (good and bad) that you shared. Being widowed brings home to you the fact that life is short and finite. I'm sure your Dad appreciates you not begrudging him the chance to have (more) happiness in his life.

vdbfamily · 22/10/2022 10:13

Unless the parent lacked capacity, I would be happy for them. My mum resented her step father but she adored her dad and hated that he had been replaced. That is a natural reaction but should not be shared with the parent.
It is useful to suggest those friends put themselves in your dads position and consider how they would like being dictated to and told what they could do with their life just because they were in their 80's.
If I had a sense they were being taken advantage of, I might try and discuss it but I think I would just be happy they had companionship.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2022 10:16

Do you think people are trying to (clumsily) be supportive? My DH felt/feels more clear-cut negative about my dad’s new relationship - part of this I think is a show of support for me (other parts are his own love for my mum and his own fear of death - mine or his - and aftermath). I’ve had to ask him not to be at all negative because it doesn’t help me. But I understand him - it’s not to be mean or horrible.

Seeing someone else’s slippers at my dad’s is a horrible thing. It goes from ‘family home’ to something else. It feels confronting.

All the while I understand I don’t really have a ‘right’ to these feelings because the ‘right feeling’ is - as others have pointed out - that he should be happy and it’s none of my business to stand in the way of that.

Grief is a messy thing.

Nowstrong · 22/10/2022 10:18

When my mother was widowed we (her children) were very pleased when she met her new partner. Very sadly he passed away very quickly after she died. People should mind their own business. How could people prefer an older person to remain, not only sad but also lonely, until they themselves die is slightly cruel. Wish him happiness for the rest of his life. Also, him not being alone is often less of a worry.

BadGranny · 22/10/2022 10:19

You sound like a nice daughter who’s got her priorities right. Ignore those who would forbid your Dad the chance of a new relationship - they are out of order.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/10/2022 10:25

I lost a parent 3 years ago when both parents were in their 60s. I can’t imagine my parent being in another relationship and would probably find it really hard if they were to find somebody else. I want my remaining parent to be happy but if I’m 100% honest I’d prefer them to be happy without being in another relationship, although obviously wouldn’t express this to them and would pretend to be fine with it should they ever enter another relationship.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/10/2022 10:29

My Dad died at 51 leaving my Mum a widow for 33 years until she died. For a lot of her latter years she was lonely and, I hate to admit, sad. I’d have loved her to have had someone to share her later years with.
So, good for your Dad I say. It’s brilliant.

bloodywhitecat · 22/10/2022 10:30

I am recently widowed if, and it feels like a big if at the moment, I ever met someone new they would not be a replacement for my late husband. I think you sound like a caring daughter who wants her dad to be happy and I hope my kids are like you.

SandyY2K · 22/10/2022 10:33

I think your dad gave it a respectful amount of time before the new relationship and those saying things like that to you, aren't very sensitive or sensible.

Even if they think it, how productive is it for them to say it to you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/10/2022 10:33

Well, all the people who are ‘ horrified’ can go and live with your Dad and keep him company. Not just pop in for a cup of tea every month, but be there for a chat when they wake up really early in the morning, a chat about the things that 80 year olds are interested in.

Another eighty year old is hardly a gold digger.

lechatnoir · 22/10/2022 10:34

I still have both my parents so perhaps I'm being naive, but why wouldn't you want your remaining parent to find love again? Ok so not straightaway and can see how it would hurt if it happened too soon, but surely knowing they have love and companionship that makes them happy is the most important thing. I'd hate to think of DH being alone if anything ever happened to me and have told him as much.

PotKettleB · 22/10/2022 10:35

I think it’s worth thinking this will be me (or you) one day. If you’re widowed and are lucky enough fall in love again at a time when probably a few of your friends have died, your parents are dead, your children have their own lives and you’re less mobile physically but still think the same way as you did 20 years ago in your elderly looking appearance, then your children rushing up talking about money will be most unwelcome.

Being old doesn’t mean stupid or vulnerable. It’s sensible to be cautious about joining financially or legally with another person at any age. But very patronising of your friends (who sound quite immature in their approach) to zero in on the negative.

alwayslearning789 · 22/10/2022 10:45

It is an adjustment OP, you are allowed to feel a bit conflicted it was your Mum and Dad for so long.

The question is - would you be happy if he was alone and lonely for the rest of his life?

  1. I bet those who are judging him are not those sitting with him day and night... are they now?
  1. Take comfort in the fact that nothing will ever change the fact your mum and dad were together till she passed, in this day and age that is something special in itself.
  1. It is good that he is not alone and has found someone whose company he enjoys... look at the threads on here, about how difficult it is to find someone from people who are years younger than you dad.
  1. Sort out the legals if you are worried about inheritance however do embrace the joy more love and light brings in his life including from you.
  1. There is no way anyone can erase the years he had with your mum, above all people he privately misses her the most, his life has been upended the most (and you as the children of course).

I am sure it will make things much easier and pleasant all round for everyone. Best Wishes and I hope you can make peace with the changes that life has brought you through bereavement.

SafeHeaven · 22/10/2022 10:51

I think it depends on the circumstances. For example a relative lost his wife very suddenly aged about 40 and left him and 2 children (preteens) behind. He didn’t want to be on his own so within 6 months he’d met someone else. Within 18 months of his wife dying, he married this other woman, sold his family home and relocated with his children 100 mile away.

it hit the children really hard! They’re now in their 40s and I don’t feel their relationship ever recovered and over the years there has been very long periods of time were he hasn’t spoken to either of his children.

Then his wife died after 20 years of married, and within 6 weeks of her death he was in a relationship again. Exactly 12 months after the death of his 2nd wife, he remarried.

If there are dependants involved then I would wait around 5 years to introduce anyone.

alwayslearning789 · 22/10/2022 10:54

SafeHeaven · 22/10/2022 10:51

I think it depends on the circumstances. For example a relative lost his wife very suddenly aged about 40 and left him and 2 children (preteens) behind. He didn’t want to be on his own so within 6 months he’d met someone else. Within 18 months of his wife dying, he married this other woman, sold his family home and relocated with his children 100 mile away.

it hit the children really hard! They’re now in their 40s and I don’t feel their relationship ever recovered and over the years there has been very long periods of time were he hasn’t spoken to either of his children.

Then his wife died after 20 years of married, and within 6 weeks of her death he was in a relationship again. Exactly 12 months after the death of his 2nd wife, he remarried.

If there are dependants involved then I would wait around 5 years to introduce anyone.

Absolutely agreed.

In this circumstance he is early 80's, so hopefully the above doesn't apply regarding dependant children.