Unhappy about an older parent's new relationship?

[hellosunshineday]

NC for this.

A few years ago, my mum passed away very suddenly. She was my dad's carer and they loved each other very much. In all our imagined scenarios, we'd always figured that dad would probably die first as he has such extensive health issues, but life certainly delivered us a 'plot twist'.

About 8 months after mum passed, dad made it clear he didn't want to be alone. My own grief was still very raw so I told him I wasn't against the idea but I wasn't ready to discuss it with him yet. Well, fast forward to now and dad has met someone. They're both in their early 80s but are quite tech savvy so it's constant WhatsApp messages and video calls and I think a proposal is probably not too far off. It took a bit of getting used to but I'm happy for them and I think my mum would have liked her too.

I've met with varying reactions from friends and extended family though. I've had people say 'how could you be ok with this? I'd be furious.' Another has said that dad is 'dishonouring mum' and one friend said that if her elderly mum met someone, she'd probably have to go NC as even if the new partner was a good man, she'd feel like her father's memory was being wiped away.

And oh, one person told me they'd be worried about their inheritance. I've never believed it's right to feel entitled to an inheritance anyway, as firstly it's dad's money to do what he wants with and all sorts of things can happen (care home fees etc) but that's a different subject. Overall though, been surprised at some of the very negative reactions.

So it's an emotional adjustment of course but I don't think I have the right to say whether my parent gets into a new relationship or not. Ok, if she was a bad person, I'd definitely be sharing my concerns but she is very nice, so if he's happy, I'm happy.

Has anyone else had an older/elderly parent get into a new relationship? How did you feel about it?

My DP had this reaction when my stepdad found someone new a year after my mum died. I told her very quickly to wind her neck in, that he deserved some happiness after the 3 previous very shit years, and that my Mum would have been horrified at her behaviour.

My dad died 15 years before my dad did and I would have loved her to have met someone that she could spend a few happy years with. Fuck any inheritance. Her happiness would have been worth all the money in the world to me.

"I think it depends on the circumstances. For example a relative lost his wife very suddenly aged about 40 and left him and 2 children (preteens) behind." @SafeHeaven

Yes, I agree with you. Losing a loved parent at any age is really hard, but obviously much worse when you're so young and so much of your emotional stability is affected. So yes, it's a different scenario when there's young dependents involved.

OP, I think it's great that you are accepting of your father's new relationship. It might sound a bit strong but I think adult children who are resentful and obstructive about a parent finding happiness after the devastation of losing their partner are utterly selfish, vile individuals (I've known a few). I'd be calling out my so-called friends on this, and telling them to have some empathy and compassion, or mind their own business.

I do think it is hard to take on board though.It must be difficult to see your Dad with a "new woman" as it were.My friend was in the same situation.I would think it sensible to have him speak to a Solicitor if possible re finances.(Although difficult to suggest to him really!) Dont forget as he gets older he may need some sort of care package as well

I feel the same as you OP. My parents were married for 50 years but I'd be delighted if my widowed DM met someone else if she was happy. Loneliness is horrible.

Who the hell gives anyone the right to judge and police?? Him finding someone doesn’t take anything away from the love he had for his late wife.

He is in his 80s and has found someone who he enjoys spending time with and talking to over WhatsApp etc. how bloody wonderful!! She’s lovely so absolutely brilliant.

I do think from an inheritance point of view something should be done if they marry to ring fence your dad's house (if owned) and assets/money. If only because it was a life built with your mum and it seems fair that it stay with you rather than potentially pass to a new wife.

In terms of a relationship, marriage etc I think many underestimate how lonely it must feel at that age, having lost a spouse knowing you'll be by yourself going forward. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want your dad lonely and unhappy for the rest of his life.

I think that it's symptomatic of people thinking that older people aren't actually functional human beings like everyone else. Infantilising old people is pretty much accepted in our society.

My mum died in her late 60s after 50 years of marriage to my dad - they were teenage sweethearts. After an initial period of mourning, my dad met someone new and was in a relationship 4 months later. It felt very quick and I struggled with it for many reasons but fast forward 4 years and they’re lovely together. She hasn’t replaced my mum at all and it’s good that they have each other in later life.

My husband's father died when husband was a baby. He died from injuries he received at the end of WWII when MIL was in her 20s. She was a widow for 60 years. It was incredibly unhealthy, he was a saint and poor DH could never live up to him he also learned early on that he couldn't ask anything about him as it made his mother cry.

She thought she was an expert on marriage as her marriage was perfect, well I guess we all might feel like that if our husband's died when we were virtually still on honeymoon (although they had been married for over a year most of that had been him away fighting and then in hospital) and hadn't found out he had some annoying habits.

It was very unhealthy and I think my husband would have had a better relationship with her if she'd had a normal relationship with someone who was alive.

Bit of extreme example.

No one has a god given right to inherit anything. It's not up to the adult children to decide what should happen and what is fair, it's entirely up to the parent to decide what should happen to their money.

Your friends sound possessive, jealous & selfish.

Especially the ones mentioning the vile word inheritance. Clearly those friends would prefer their parents keeled over & died, releasing the loot, instead of living & finding happiness again.

And I'm assuming at some point both mother and father had discussed what would happen to their money and I'm also guessing one wouldn't have been happy with it being passed to any future spouses over children.
I'm of the opinion I'd like my parents to spend all their money while alive and leave me nothing.

My dad is on his own as my mum died. I really wish he would meet a nice woman. He would just get so much more out of life.

I think if your mum was your dad’s carer he is very lucky if he has found someone willing to step into that role again. Will she be doing the same amount of ‘caring’?

No. After mum died, we arranged a care package and he has carers twice a day to help with dressing, cooking and little jobs around the house. Myself (and other family) look after the usual shopping/household admin etc. Dad has already said that even if they were to get married, he'd like the carers to keep coming in as he (in his own words) 'won't be a burden to anyone'.

My dm passed away after over 50 years of marriage, for the last few years she'd been unwell and my df took excellent care of her, prior to her being ill they travelled a lot, were very involved in their grandchildren and very active. My dm and I discussed how we felt about a spouse moving on after a bereavement and we agreed its for the best, in fact we both agreed that after a year we'd hope they'd be open to dating, I've told my dh this, said I'd come back and haunt him if he's not out enjoying himself after a year if I go first. It's been over two years since my father became a widower, he's shown no interest at all in going out, he's in his 70's and has a few health issues now which have slowed him down, he's still visiting dm grave daily and despite knowing she'd approve I don't think he's open to even a close friendship. I've two siblings and none of us would have an issue with him meeting someone.

So sad to read the responses of some of your friends, they are happy to deny the remaining parent happiness and love so the child’s memory of someone already dead isn’t slighted. Well, what on earth are they doing to dishonour the deceased memory? It’s hardly exhuming his earthly remains is it?
And I’m quite sure the (selfish) daughter doesn’t intend to have her mother move in with her?
And yes, I am speaking from experience and I doubt anyone could have been happier for their Mam than me

Just be aware that marriage automatically revokes your will - unless the will was made in contemplation of marriage to a named person and you marry them - which won’t apply here.

Ah, that’s good then. Do the people who are outraged still have both their parents? It might be harder to see past the ‘replacement’ side of things if so. Ridiculous to prefer your elderly parent to be alone if there is a chance of companionship in their remaining years.

At their age they might just not want to wait too long. If I died I hope that DH finds himself a nice partner. It was difficult for me to meet my dads new partner 5 months after my mum died but she makes him happy and cares for him when he has health issues. They've been together for more than a decade now and he's much happier for it.

I don't understand why people would be so negative. Of course it's a but confrontational that the remaining parent chose the next partner. But we should want our parents to be happy.

I agree.

Your friends opinions are irrelevant. My mum has been widowed since she was 40, almost 30 years ago. She has never met anyone else and I wish she had. The intervening 30 years might have been happier for her.