Psychological problem

[MistySkiesAreGone]

I've worked out I have a psychological problem that infiltrates all my relationships. I go full pelt at a relationship, friend, boss, family, partner, then get overwhelmed as neglect my own needs, so pull back. Just at the time I need people to care for me they disappear, and I then feel despondent and spiral more into neglect. I can stop the cycle by asking for more help, but it starts again, as soon as I feel better I start helping others and neglect myself again. Or people pull back from me - which may or may not have anything to do with me, usually not - but I experience that as a huge loss and I move onto another obsession - person, research topic, to fill the loss.

This is across work, family, romantic, friends, so there is always one area that is pulling me under it feels. Coupled with this I am an empath so I literally feel what other people are feeling but can't always express. So if someone is confused, I start to feel confused etc. even if they never openly said I feel confused, it overwhelms my senses.

What is the answer? Give up on deep relationships? Have fewer of them? Hermit? I think it might be boundaries but I'm confused on the difference between boundaries and emotional barriers - I think maybe a lot of people have never respected my boundaries/needs.

I need to sort this all out as I am drowning in work and debt. Any kind thoughts or advice appreciated. Home truths but be kind.

I also fully accept that we are all different and there are experiences beyond what I know. However, my whole life I have been labelled sensitive, empathic, good listener, wouldn't hurt a fly, affected by other people's moods, gentle, kind etc. It turns out that I am deeper than that. I am also angry, resentful, have crap boundaries, am a doormat, wasn't listened to as a child, needed a lot of therapy, hadn't realised that have as much intrinsic value as other people, and that other people don't need me to drown in their suffering. I am a better listener and a more rounded human being now. And I would never accept the term empath for me.

Yes, and that's your experience, which you're leaning heavily upon to form your view of what does and doesn't exist in the world.

You don't have to accept the term empath for you. But neither does anybody have to accept your personal opinion that they don't exist. Just as if you said that blue eyed people didn't exist, you can't decide that it's not an appropriate label.

Many people have found the term 'empath' helpful, both for themselves and for their understanding and relationships with others. You can't just decide unanimously that it's not real.

Spot on Pink Bonbon.

What I really want is a boyfriend/partner then I think I'd be a lot less needy. I just get lonely to be honest. Anyway I am working towards this as I bought a car so I can date safely.

Also what I would appreciate is when my family call, rather than them launching into a monologue or making demands ... to first of all start the conversation with 'how are you'.

Where does everyone elses sense of self worth come from? Curious to know.

Is it skills you are good at? Mine are pretty generic and I don't have time to learn many more...although driving is one at the moment.

Or is it natural abilities? I am good at listening and empathy and I am quite quick and funny at times, mostly positive.

Or is it things you do - like a higher purpose? I work in a job that I feel is good and enjoy it, when not under performing.

I suspect it is in the small every day acts of self care? But amidst working full time and staying on top of cleaning, dishes (no dishwasher), cooking, ironing my clothes, washing and blowdrying my hair which is very thick, shopping, and exercise which is swimming and yoga for me, there never feels like much time.

I have also spent too much time on my phone having relationships via whatsapp, and looking at instagram. I hardly have any followers and I have just been going through to delete things I follow that I don't want to see anymore - a lot of fashion which I don't think is helping me.

I do however like reading and studying. Maybe I need to get back to studying a bit more to enhance my career. I sort of gave up as I got a health condition and decided I didn't want to reach the top, and didn't want to push myself as I want a partner and family. But I'm not focusing on the present tasks to get to that. Although I did do some casual dating which was a big push for me and gave me confidence not to quit and give up altogether on dating, that was a big step forward as I was single for nearly a decade after a relationship ended, I just was focused on career and other things happened. But while casual dating I lost focus at work.

SOMEHOW I need to

1. sort out the present urgent tasks, maintain minimum contact with people while I do that so as not to become a recluse versus not taking on too much. Including having a routine.
2. build up my own self worth independent of relationships, do some things that make me happy on my own, and spend time with those who nurture me
3. pay off my debt

Its quite difficult as so much of the culture we live in has become gamified. Its not progress if there isn't a dopamine hit. I think that is where routine comes into play so I just added that to 1.

For the self worth thing, I started a list. Every time someone did something and I thought 'Wow, that's cool/respectable/sorted/etc', I wrote it down. Then, after a bit, I started picking a few things off the list and doing/learning them myself. I know a lot more about history now, I play the piano, I'm a runner, I give blood. Pick things you have time to do, and passion for. Even starting to make the list is a step forward, self esteem-wise. It means you're already focussing on you, and on building yourself up to be someone who makes you go 'wow'.

Love that idea.**

Right this has motivated me...going to start on self improvement

Self worth is a hard thing as different ppl get it from different things.

I'd suggest standing infront if a mirror and saying 'I have value', 'I am enough', 'my thoughts views and opinions matter', 'I love me'. How do those things make you feel? If they upset you or cause you pain, it's because you still have healing to do.

But making affirming vomments like that to yourself every day may also help raise your self worth. Even just if you pick little compliments.

People have varying levels of empathy. No one has a super power to know what everyone is feeling or to absorb their emotions.

Another vote here for Borderline Personality Disorder. I have it. Maybe look at that with a therapist? Also check out DBT books / groups (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and EMDR therapy- I had this and it was hugely helpful with my BPD. I feel like a new person now, so many of my old wounds have healed. DBT skills are brilliant for learning ways of coping with your feelings in everyday situations.
The level of insight you have shown in your post is really wonderful- if you do have BPD things will definitely get better for you, it's all about having insight, learning the skills and putting them into practice. You've got this!

Thank you. I actually did read a book about BPD and DBT a while ago and found my notes.

The strategies that resonate were

• brain healthy eating, multi vitamins and cutting down sugar, going to get back to this
• daily exercise
• mindfulness, I did the MBSR course ages ago and would love to do a daily practise for 10 mins, totally doable
• interpersonal - learning to ask for what I want and say no while maintaining self respect and relationships with others - this is a lifetimes work in progress!
• emotion regulation; changing emotions I want to change - will have to read up on this one...it may be behavioural activation i.e. doing activities that generate positive emotions

I think I'm going to focus on my diet, exercise, and sleep, as all of those will help, alongside meeting my commitments.

Totally agree. Getting a good sleep routine and eating well has made so much difference for me!

@ThatAussieGuy
Every person I have known who claims to be an empath was a deluded drug addict. Everyone who is not a psychopath has empathy.

That made me laugh out loud, nail on head!

I do think that "empath" has become a fashionable way of describing a general lack of boundaries that can be rather uncomfortable to deal with. As someone with a lifetime of struggling with boundaries/codependency issues, I sometimes wonder if it's just a way of dressing it up to sound better.

Spot on. Every empath I've met has obvious issues and wants to feel special. I am all for empathy. I am empathetic all the time. I hugged a stranger while she cried in my shoulder 2 weeks ago. That's how I live. But empaths? Fantasy

Every empath I've met has obvious issues and wants to feel special.

Certainly if someone tells me they're an empath, it puts me on high alert for "performance sensitivity" that's like a kind of attention seeking.

From what I have learned being an “Empath” is a coping mechanism. You probably have a genetic sensitivity towards physical sensations (sensory) and emotions which is actually a pretty common trait and obviously if it is commonly passed down it is probably in some ways a good thing in the correct environment. Couple that with an upbringing where your parents for their own reasons, likely a similar upbringing themselves, weren’t able to give you proper validation or be attuned to your needs as a young child. In order to get decent enough validation and to get those needs met you learned that by doing things for others you could get what you needed.

You have to learn to manage your sensory and emotionally sensitive system with adequate self care and learn how to have more adult like levels of give and take in all of your relationship types. The idea is simple but the work required to overcome this type of conditioning is actually enormous.

People have varying levels of empathy. No one has a super power to know what everyone is feeling or to absorb their emotions

@ThatAussieGuy Some people take on other's feelings more than others. It's a basic facet of human nature, not a superpower. Don't tell me you've never had someone negative walk into a room and suddenly drag you down, or felt that someone was a ray of sunshine to your mood? If you've never had either of those things happen to you, you're not well placed to be making general statements about how empathy works. If you have, then you understand the point that people have the ability to absorb other's feelings.

So true about the sensory and emotional regulation. Sensory is where I need manual systems or I get overwhelmed.