Psychological problem

[MistySkiesAreGone]

I've worked out I have a psychological problem that infiltrates all my relationships. I go full pelt at a relationship, friend, boss, family, partner, then get overwhelmed as neglect my own needs, so pull back. Just at the time I need people to care for me they disappear, and I then feel despondent and spiral more into neglect. I can stop the cycle by asking for more help, but it starts again, as soon as I feel better I start helping others and neglect myself again. Or people pull back from me - which may or may not have anything to do with me, usually not - but I experience that as a huge loss and I move onto another obsession - person, research topic, to fill the loss.

This is across work, family, romantic, friends, so there is always one area that is pulling me under it feels. Coupled with this I am an empath so I literally feel what other people are feeling but can't always express. So if someone is confused, I start to feel confused etc. even if they never openly said I feel confused, it overwhelms my senses.

What is the answer? Give up on deep relationships? Have fewer of them? Hermit? I think it might be boundaries but I'm confused on the difference between boundaries and emotional barriers - I think maybe a lot of people have never respected my boundaries/needs.

I need to sort this all out as I am drowning in work and debt. Any kind thoughts or advice appreciated. Home truths but be kind.

It sounds like you might tend towards codependent relationships, where you are not always sure what your needs are; and you are accustomed to keeping relationships afloat by overgiving and being over responsible.

It's definitely possible to change and begin having healthy relationships that are mutually loving and respectful and don't drain you; but you probably do need to work on your boundaries. I heartily recommend The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast by Natalie Lue as a good please to start.

Thank you for your reply. That podcast sounds great.

Interesting point about being over responsible which circles back to empathy.

Perhaps you could start seeing a therapist weekly. I recommend a chartered clinical psychologist expensive but worth it.

Outline the problem exactly as in your OP, and they would be able to give you the tools to navigate new behaviour. Obviously this would be ideal if this was in parallel to a new relationship.

Huge credit to you for analysing your patterns and being honest with yourself about them. Self awareness is the first step in change.

As others have said, this pattern is something a psychiatrist would be experienced in seeing and working with clients on, helping you to solve the subconscious fears and associations that drive this behaviour.

Not all therapists are kind or wise or gentle as we might like....so you must find one you feel comfortable with

JournalLing, structured self reflection can help too.

Questions to consider...why do I feel drawn to the people I do...what do they have in common?

In what ways (eg a fitness programme) can I boost my self esteem independently of any relationships?

Which are my healthiest relationships and what makes them so?

Don't read anything about what being an empath means, I found that took me down a huge rabbit hole of doom. I would also agree to look at codependency, go to therapy, really question why you believe you are an empath and then hopefully with a bit of luck you will come out the other side and drop this cycle. It's great that you recognise it though.

My thought is the same, you would benefit from therapy. Not a rubbish 6 week course of CBT, but proper, in-depth therapy with a properly qualified, chartered and experienced therapist.

Its interesting that you label yourself “an empath”, where have you got this self/view from? Do you see it as a strength or a vulnerability (probably both)

You sound out of balance and in danger of making toxic relationships.

This sounds very much like me and i have Borderline Personality Disorder. It's shit. Really really shit.

Thanks for above. I have a therapist who I saw before, I think she would be sufficient to take the problem to. It stems back to childhood patterns- my Dad was away a lot and I learned to put on a positive face when he was back. My Mum was an alcoholic. Both of them have an attitude of live and let learn, but essentially never took a deep enough interest at relevant points. I experienced some bullying. My brother has schizophrenia and started to withdraw when I was about 13. So my friends became everything to me, such an important part of my identity. I had 4 walls at home but it wasn't really a nurturing environment. I witnessed domestic violence and my Mums suicide attempt. I've analysed it all to death.

The reason I said empath was that a manager told me I was when I said I was taking on a friends problems and it was affecting my work performance. Maybe not right term, just overly empathetic.

Hey @MistySkiesAreGone, I hope you're doing well today. Another great resource - find on Youtube - is Crappy Childhood Fairy. She recommends adopting a daily writing and meditation habit. I've found her videos very helpful

I don't really know where to start but feel like I am going to explode. Getting it down on an anonymous forum to strangers is a help.

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Questions to consider...why do I feel drawn to the people I do...what do they have in common?

They are quite strong, analytical type of people. They help me to think objectively. They appreciate that I am a good listener and can I think feel I am understanding of their emotional issues they find it hard to express.

In what ways (eg a fitness programme) can I boost my self esteem independently of any relationships?

This is such a good idea. Actually I think it's just routine.

Which are my healthiest relationships and what makes them so?

The ones that leave me alone for a long time but that I can come back to whenever!

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The main issue at the moment is I am about to lose my job, due to low performance issues, which is due to low motivation from working from home, and a series of bad choices which stemmed largely from feeling invisible working from home. I feel like I am going to have to pretend everything is okay, because I can't face anyone else's negativity and disappointment, meanwhile I am more than fully aware of how negative the situation is - being on the edge of losing my job and now having got into about 5k of credit card debt. I am sat here trying not to panic to myself and build up the strength.

All I want is more rewarding emotional connection, but I have to sort through the practical shit, while not wanted to be judged by friends or burden them.

Thanks for the You Tube link, I cross posted. I had a chat with a friend, one who I feel I have merged with. It was okay actually. I am going to contact my counsellor.

Read Attached by Amir Levine. I suspect you skew some type of avoidant. You can just look up attachment theory and look at dismissive and anxious avoidant types.

It sounds like you are seeking people who mirror your emotional style as you called yourself analytical. I wonder if this sort of thinking was developed by you as a completely understandable coping strategy, and now perhaps you need to do some grief work around what you didn't have as a child. Good luck OP, it sounds like you are going through a lot and I hope you have the support you need around you. I like the Crappy childhood fairy too. She is ace. I watched her talk about lemerence recently which is a term I didn't know and she is very enlightening.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Can you find yourself here anywhere, maybe?

I would thoroughly recommend Bianca Sparacino's podcast. It's so full of wisdom, compassion and insight. She has episodes on boundaries, empathy and being ghosted.

Gabor Mate is excellent too. He addresses trauma, childhood development and attachment.

Sounds like codependency.
You want others to value you because that's where you get your self worth. And you think running ragged after them will get them to value you.

I wonder if there was a relationship early in your life that set this in motion. Perhaps a parent whom you had to mother. Or who always expected things done their way, right away. Or it could be from an early toxic relationship.

But for some reason, you struggle to generate your own sense of self worth.

You also mention the type of people you find yourself gravitating towards as 'analytical'. Does that mean: cold, detached, unfeeling, unkind, judgemental or any there of?

Finally, beware of anyone who uses the term empath. You said your boss suggested it...is s/he one of those above 'analytical' sorts?

There are rotten people out there who are always looking for people to...drain. If they latch onto you , thry may try to convince you that normal empathy isn't normal. But itnfact, it's them that lack normal levels of empathy. So you are probably not overlay empathetic. They are unempathetic.

that being said codepemeecy as a result of past abuse or the scenarios I mentioned in my second paragraph...can leave us extra heightened to the needs of others. Because we were trained by the nasty person that our need are to be ignored and that we must always be focused on fulfilling their needs.

This has borderline personality disorder written all over it
I bet if you did some free online tests it would point to that
all of the issues you describe are classic BPD symptoms
it is a mental health issue and can be treated using Dialectical behaviour therapy
speak to your GP often we forget that GPs are great with this sort of thing
I hope u find some peace and good luck xx

See my first instinct was bpd too because of the getting overly invested straight off the bat. But as I read more it sounded more like codependency to me. Not to say it couldn't be both of course.

Empaths don't exist. There's no such thing. So yes, a lot of nonsense to read if you obsess over this

@ThatAussieGuy

You're not the authority on this, mate. An empath is just a name for someone who's very sensitive to others' feelings. Unless you're trying to issue an imperative that we all have the same level of sensitivity, you're talking rubbish and trying to make it sound like you know what you're on about.

You're essentially saying 'Nobody has a high degree of sensitivity', and in doing so, proving that you, personally, don't.

Every person I have known who claims to be an empath was a deluded drug addict. Everyone who is not a psychopath has empathy.

I also agree that there are no empaths. It is an unhelpful label that means some people elevate themselves onto pedestals where they understand other people's feelings better than the individual. Also then you can constantly blame other people because you feel so drained by their emotions, what a crock of shit. It is human nature to be empathic, as well as a whole host of other stuff. Some people are more aware of their empathy than others, some block it for their own reasons, but no one has an authority on empathy, so I wish we could drop all the stuff about empaths. When I am struggling and in pain the last thing I need is someone who decides I have drained them and they are drowning just because I am upset. Really empathy is the capacity to understand that we all have pain and we can listen and be there for each other when we need to, not all the time, but not drown with it.

Every person I have known who claims to be an empath was a deluded drug addict

And so you are the authority on the matter. Of course.

It is an unhelpful label that means some people elevate themselves onto pedestals where they understand other people's feelings better than the individual

That's not what it means, and feeling that something is unhelpful to you doesn't mean it's unhelpful to everybody.

People speak as if they know all about things. Everybody has empathy. Some have more than others. It's ok to label those with little or those with lots, if it helps you. It's ok not to. But making grand declarations about what 'does exist' or 'doesn't exist'... not sure who people think they are, really.

I'm not saying I am authority, although perhaps my response reads like that. Yours reads the same tho so I guess we will need to agree to disagree.

I'm saying that everybody's different. If you disagree, you're proving my point, not yours.

There are many people who say empaths exist. There are many who say they don't. Who knows best? Not you, not me. Stating that there's no such thing shows how little you know. After all, things might exist outside your sphere of experience?

But yes, lets agree to disagree. You say it doesn't exist, I say it might, according to definition.