Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Secret Debt

45 replies

Ray92 · 21/10/2022 11:48

I recently posted with a MIL problem that many helpful posters diagnosed as a husband problem. This got me thinking...
I'm on mat leave, massively reduced wage. We bought a house together then found out I was pregnant. His is the larger wage and we should easily be able to pay mortgage and bills even with me on mat leave. There should be money left over, there isn't.
I knew he had some credit card debt that he claimed he had accumulated by paying for things for his ex and her children. I had all the deposit money for the house.
Fast forward to June 2022, the lender said our affordability has changed and we can't have the mortgage unless we pay another 4k. I had savings left to cover this but couldn't understand what had changed.
Yesterday I ask husband if I can go through our finances to see what we can afford for Christmas. He dissappears upstairs for "a poo". Comes back and looks worried. Is weird about showing me his online bank statement.
Long story short, he didn't tell me and took out a 10k loan- he claims after the house finally went through. He says to pay a family member back and to consolidate his credit card debt.
Then there's a weird payment going out, called "mum". £5 sometimes x3 per day, sometimes once a week. Totalling 1k since Jan 2022.
He first said it is for his mum to save away for him. Now he's saying it is just to help her out.
I don't believe him.
He was previously gambling small amounts daily but I did see him block gambling online but not sure how it works.

He has lied about so many things now that I don't know what to do.
How do I get to the bottom of it all?!
Please advise me.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 21/10/2022 11:55

I'll bet he ran upstairs for a poo, he will be shitting himself because he's about to be found out. Substitute "mum" for some kind online sex worker and you're closer to the truth.

I would want him round the kitchen table before the end of the day for a full and frank disclosure of both of your financial situations, because you are in the dark. This can't be a suprise for you, you bought a house with a higher earner who turned up with a load of debt leaving you to find the deposit. This is only going to go one way, and hint's of debt soon start to stink.

If you're married debts, as well as assets are marital, you are in a precarious position and you need more information.

MarigoldMoonStone · 21/10/2022 12:02

perhaps he uses his mums debit card and address details to gamble (because he has used gamble stop on his) and then he pays her straight back

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2022 12:05

Are you in a position to ask MIL about this?

I imagine it is gambling related. Has he got help for his addiction or just attempted to stop by himself?

Original poster
Ray92 · 21/10/2022 12:11

Can't talk to MIL. She dislikes me and would lie for him.
I do think gambling.
Just attempted himself.

OP posts:
Flowersintheattic57 · 21/10/2022 12:21

Basically you are married to a liar and his mother facilitates him. Don’t believe anything unless you have the evidence in front of you. See yourself as independent to your husband and take steps to fully protect yourself. An addict’s first, second and last loyalty is to his addiction. Harsh but true. Don’t bother trying to understand or support him, it won’t change him. He will learn new ways to lie to support his addiction.
Take over all financial paperwork for the house, set up separate bank accounts, make sure he pays in his fair share, and keep you savings separate and safe. Possibly see a solicitor to ring fence your house deposit, otherwise he’ll have that too.

Pugalicious · 21/10/2022 12:29

Give him the bottom line OP. Tell him it is all over unless he comes clean and make his mother tell you the truth in front of him.
Never mind the deceit, which in itself is a form of cheating, without honesty now this relationship is going nowhere and you should consider your options.
Addiction is a cruel mistress but its not your addiction

Violettaa · 21/10/2022 12:36

I’ve repeated this story on Mumsnet before, becasue it’s important.

A family member was married to a gambler, who told her repeatedly that he’d stopped, blocked himself, blah blah blah.

Actually, he was a manipulative lier who hid the depths of the issue until there was nothing left.

He spent everything he could get hold of, then forged her signature to get more.

She used to have a lovely house, kids in private school, great life. Now she lives in a dingy housing association flat, and has no room for her very young adult kids to live with her.

He’s moved to Thailand.

I really hope this isn’t your situation, but please keep in mind that it could be.

Proteinpudding · 21/10/2022 12:55

You can set up a regular payment to someone with a reference you pick yourself, so it could be his mum, or it could be how he's saved it. Multiple small amounts in a day seems very dodgy though.

Ask him for the account details for where the payment is going to, then try and set up a payment to the same from your own account (don't actually pay!) When you put the details in, the bank do a check as to whether the details match. It's to reduce the likelihood of people paying scammers who give false details (eg impersonating a company and giving a personal bank account number) That should at least be able to confirm if the money is going to his mum or if it's been deliberately mislabeled.

Original poster
Ray92 · 21/10/2022 13:43

Flowersintheattic57 · 21/10/2022 12:21

Basically you are married to a liar and his mother facilitates him. Don’t believe anything unless you have the evidence in front of you. See yourself as independent to your husband and take steps to fully protect yourself. An addict’s first, second and last loyalty is to his addiction. Harsh but true. Don’t bother trying to understand or support him, it won’t change him. He will learn new ways to lie to support his addiction.
Take over all financial paperwork for the house, set up separate bank accounts, make sure he pays in his fair share, and keep you savings separate and safe. Possibly see a solicitor to ring fence your house deposit, otherwise he’ll have that too.

Thank you.
Can deposits be ring fenced if he didn't contribute to it in any way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ray92 · 21/10/2022 13:43

Proteinpudding · 21/10/2022 12:55

You can set up a regular payment to someone with a reference you pick yourself, so it could be his mum, or it could be how he's saved it. Multiple small amounts in a day seems very dodgy though.

Ask him for the account details for where the payment is going to, then try and set up a payment to the same from your own account (don't actually pay!) When you put the details in, the bank do a check as to whether the details match. It's to reduce the likelihood of people paying scammers who give false details (eg impersonating a company and giving a personal bank account number) That should at least be able to confirm if the money is going to his mum or if it's been deliberately mislabeled.

I'll do this. Thank you.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/10/2022 13:46

Ask him to prove he paid the family member back and to prove he consolidated his credit card debt.

notme1969 · 21/10/2022 13:47

MarigoldMoonStone · 21/10/2022 12:02

perhaps he uses his mums debit card and address details to gamble (because he has used gamble stop on his) and then he pays her straight back

Wow. That's a big assumption!!!
Sounds like gambling more than sex workers. Although both are equally as bad.
You need to protect your own finances, make sure he can't get any more loans on the house and have a serious chat about honesty.
To be honest, I'd run for the hills, but if you want to make it work make sure he can't screw things up for you financially.

notme1969 · 21/10/2022 13:48

Sorry @MarigoldMoonStone I quoted the wrong post!!
I meant this one:
Substitute "mum" for some kind online sex worker and you're closer to the truth. by @GreenManalishi

GreenManalishi · 21/10/2022 14:04

@notme1969 cam girls or gambling, either way I don't feel it's a big assumption that it doesn't involve "mum". What he's doing doesn't really matter, whatever it is it's compulsive, and he's lying about it, putting OP in a financially vulnerable position at the very least.

Original poster
Ray92 · 21/10/2022 14:44

If it was gambling and he admitted it, I could put safety nets in place and try to work on the marriage.
But he's lying continously. Changing stories each time a new lie is discovered. Nothing adds up.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/10/2022 15:02

I’d ask him to leave. He should go to his mum’s.

He’s spent an additional £10K you were unaware of. He cost you £4K on your mortgage. He’s addicted to gambling and hasn’t sought help.

How long have you been married?
When did you buy the house?
How long are you on maternity leave for and what is your earning potential when you return?

You can’t stay married to a gambling addict. Addicts lie to keep feeding their addiction. You’re responsible for a child now and you can’t expose them to the risk of poverty.

Original poster
Ray92 · 21/10/2022 15:14

I found out on our honeymoon about the gambling.
So I married him unaware of it completely.
We were married last December.

About 31k full time. But I have family money.
Mat leave ends in May.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/10/2022 15:21

@Ray92

if try is it a short marriage - up to 5years and you file for divorce now’ish - you should be able to ring-fence your deposit.
OR Potentially - and you need to consult a lawyer - you could draw up some paperwork that ring fences it now, if you aren’t ready to divorce yet. But it all depends on your specific situation and you need advice.

At a min - he is gambling again. Or it can be cam girls. A friend’s exH started that way and then it escalated into thousands.

If you let it go now - it will only get worse. He needs to come clean now and give you access to the financial information as it’s all family finances and affect you all.

AlmostOver22 · 21/10/2022 15:28

What @MMmomDD said - it’s called a clean break divorce where each leaves with what they contributed (or in your DH Case - debts) but only valid if the marriage is less than 5 years long.

for the purpose of clean break divorces they count from when you started living together rather than when you married but a solicitor could help with this if you started living together more than 5 years ago. The lies will count against him.

IMO you need to leave NOW while you stand a good chance of walking away clean from his mess. A judge won’t give you the same favourable conditions if you leave it too long.

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2022 15:28

As PP say, it’s a short marriage and if you can evidence that you paid the deposit then you have a very good chance of ring-fencing it in a divorce.

He needs to understand this is a dealbreaker situation.

It’s a huge risk to remain married to him. Be very clear about that.

Riverlee · 21/10/2022 15:30

Gambling was my first thought also. Sorry.

Habreathmint · 21/10/2022 15:36

I'd run for the hills. He's going to bleed you try. You're never going to be able to trust him so protect yourself and your money and dump him.

Minimalme · 21/10/2022 19:23

Op, you will never be able to 'safety net' an addict from gambling.

He will ruin you.

There is likely to be so much debt you don't know about.

Apparently gambling is the hardest addiction to kick.

There is no way to make this ok. He is fucked and you will be too if you stay.

boredOf · 21/10/2022 19:34

Please leave him now before things get worse.

boredOf · 21/10/2022 19:35

You can't change him. You can't fix things. Nothing ever will