Husband Secret Debt

[Ray92]

I recently posted with a MIL problem that many helpful posters diagnosed as a husband problem. This got me thinking...
I'm on mat leave, massively reduced wage. We bought a house together then found out I was pregnant. His is the larger wage and we should easily be able to pay mortgage and bills even with me on mat leave. There should be money left over, there isn't.
I knew he had some credit card debt that he claimed he had accumulated by paying for things for his ex and her children. I had all the deposit money for the house.
Fast forward to June 2022, the lender said our affordability has changed and we can't have the mortgage unless we pay another 4k. I had savings left to cover this but couldn't understand what had changed.
Yesterday I ask husband if I can go through our finances to see what we can afford for Christmas. He dissappears upstairs for "a poo". Comes back and looks worried. Is weird about showing me his online bank statement.
Long story short, he didn't tell me and took out a 10k loan- he claims after the house finally went through. He says to pay a family member back and to consolidate his credit card debt.
Then there's a weird payment going out, called "mum". £5 sometimes x3 per day, sometimes once a week. Totalling 1k since Jan 2022.
He first said it is for his mum to save away for him. Now he's saying it is just to help her out.
I don't believe him.
He was previously gambling small amounts daily but I did see him block gambling online but not sure how it works.

He has lied about so many things now that I don't know what to do.
How do I get to the bottom of it all?!
Please advise me.

But he's lying continously. Changing stories each time a new lie is discovered. Nothing adds up.

Why are you staying with a lying gambler?

This with bells on!

Separate out your love for him and his addiction. You will ALWAYS come second

If its a bank transfer and not a payment I am unsure that it would be gambling. The site would take a payment like any other site, and the recipient of the £5 payments should have a name surely?

If you haven’t already, I strongly recommend you check your credit report. You can do it for free via MoneySuperMarket, There may well be debts in your name, or joint debts you are unaware of.
You could also try checking Hs credit report if you know enough of his details.

Regardless of any addition debts
He lied
Took out a loan you knew nothing about and is sending thousands in small increments somewhere. It may be mum, gambling, a bank account you don’t know about, anything.

The important thing is, he’s hiding SOMETHING

When you took you mortgage out did you do a deed of trust(your deposit) your solicitor should of advised you to
also are you tenant in common , you leave your money to who you want to

I’d say this, in my experience gambling addicts almost ALWAYS have other addictions and dirty secrets. Mind you this is my experience but I have never heard of a man who JUST gambles. They always seem to have problems with cheating, drugs or booze.

I think it’s the risk and the thrill that keeps them going which spills over into everything. Gambling addicts as a whole also seem like very narcissistic and self entitled people. They want to win for a thrill and will have others pay the cost for it.

I know this situation is very tough but I think others are right, you need to get all your finances totally and completely safe from his. He will ruin you with no thought. It is your duty to protect your finances for your child. Don’t be that mother unable to afford things that her child needs because she couldn’t let go of a man who was never worth keeping.

I don’t get those vibes from you and my heart hurts for you. Gambling addicts are really bad and they almost never seem to get right. With a drug addict rock bottom can be horrible, with a gambling addict rock bottom could absolutely and catastrophically hurt you and your child’s life forever. These people will forge your signature and ruin your credit and possibly name. They will go to friends and family secretly to borrow money with stories that make YOU look bad. I’m not kidding, the things I’ve heard are made for TV crazy level.

Oh snap

Co-Occurring Substance Abuse

A link between gambling disorder and other addictive disorders has been well-established.

Research suggests that there are high rates of comorbidity between substance use disorders and gambling addiction. Data from a large study in the United States found that alcohol addiction is the most frequently reported co-occurring condition among people with a gambling disorder. Just over 73% of people in the study that were diagnosed with gambling addiction also had an alcohol use disorder.4

www.psychguides.com/behavioral-disorders/gambling-addiction/

not sure how good this info is but I’m seeing a lot of it now that I actually looked…

I found out on our honeymoon about the gambling.
So I married him unaware of it completely.

OP, this reminded me so much of my situation.

I too found out on honeymoon that my H had lied to me & had undisclosed debt. 6 months later I realised he'd lied about that, too - our mortgage payments bounced and I realised he owed about 3 times as much was he said.

I stayed. Threw the kitchen sink at sorting it out practically - did all the hard graft like going to the bank, consolidating the loan, organising payments - these then took 5 years to pay off, during which time we had 3 DC, and he continued to spend money like water.

My H did not have a gambling problem. He was financially abusive & a mess with money.

I finally took action after years of hell, 10 years in, and got him to leave. It's 9 years later & I'm still battling legally & despite a good job, struggle financially, thanks to him. I try not to think too much about this but I have wasted the guts of 3 decades & so much money on this awful man.

Don't be me. Get out, early. He won't change. He will lie & lie. He will destroy you. There's no future in a marriage built on deception.

Good luck. 💐

Run for your fucking life. My cousin was you. Chose to ignore the gambling, then thought love would be enough to fix him. He ended up destroying her life, her credit, everything, and she lost her house.

Don't be my cousin. Don't believe for a second that his issues will magically go away.

Thank you for all the kindness, support, and advice.

I've checked on clearscore and experian and the debts are showing as what he confessed to yesterday. So is that definitely it now? Or can there be more...?

I still don't understand the "mum" payments. They are to his mum's account, it matches up.
But why 5, 10 pounds to her account for years and years. Even before he did gamble stop.

No. He can have personal debts as all over…they can be off record…

are you sure it really went to his “mum”?

I am so sorry OP even if he was sending cash for his mom to save that is basically embezzling.

You can’t trust him he lies and isn’t much of a partner.

OP, Sorry to say his gambling hasn't stopped and he's gonna run you to the ground with him. If I were in your shoes I'd RUN FAST.

OK. Stop thinking and start doing. Look at what you have posted and imagine I had written it. What would you tell me?

You haven't been married long. You found out about the gambling after you married. You can prove your deposit for the house.

You MUST see a solicitor and work out what/how you can protect yourself legally from his financial doings. And if that means a divorce then so be it!

You have got to protect yourself and your DC from his financial finagling and lies.

He could be gambling through her if she is an enabler and has been charmed by his 'it's only an odd fiver/ tenner?' And have access to a gambling account.

Perhaps he owes his mother money and is paying her back in dribs and drabs?
If he cant be 100% honest and transparent about it then what is the point?
Harsh as it sounds you need to mentally separate and protect yourself.

Run! (And get a shit hot lawyer!)

With my bank account I can use any reference I want for payments, so just because it states Mum it doesn't mean it's actually going to his mum.

Exactly 😂
I don't know why people are believing it's actually going to his mum

OP said she's checked the bank details and they match with his mums..

Oh ok, Missed that. Soz.