Everything is my fault, apparently.

[SueBaroo]

He cared for me when I was really ill, and couldn't dig the garden/tidy the garage/mend the guttering - my fault. Now I'm able to go out alone and do so (to Tesco for an hour on a Saturday morning - woo hoo!) he still can't do those things - my fault.

The house isn't tidy when he comes home, because I'm looking after four children under 7 all day - my fault. He has the children while I'm out for my one hour alone, he can't tidy the house because I've left him with all four - my fault.

He's so bloody cross with me all day. I tried talking to him earlier and he grunted at me, and then I gave up, started peeling carrots and he snapped at me and said I wasn't very talkative.

Someone tell me going back to being submissive is a bad idea, because right now, it's looking like an attractive option.

True. But easier to say than do. And besides, I don't want to prejudge them. Some of them are very entrenched in their views - some are people who would love us whatever happened.

I want to be careful before I cut myself off from part of my support network. So I think we have to focus on the changes and see who is still there by the end of it, really.

Absolutely ... but you could. If you wanted to. So hold that thought close next time you feel really angry with them, remind yourself that you are choosing to be with them. You're not trapped with them, and their way of thinking is not better than yours ... just different. And should it become too different for you to tolerate, you can part ways, and they don't necessarily get a say in that.

I agree with PW about your dh, Sue. It does sound like he is with you, and the adjustment is likely to be difficult or him too - especially as he has had, in some ways, the 'better' part of the deal - but you do have to hang in there, keep moving forward despite wobbles.

I know how hard it is to take steps that might mean cutting off a support netork. I went through it with my parents when I chose dh. I heard a lot of 'but we're the only people you can really count on, and if you choose him you'll lose that' from them. Not the same situation, but possibly similar - I too was in a set-up, a 'system' I needed to move out of. It was a dreadful time, but it is survivable, and it was important in getting me to where and who I needed to be. - I really like the Persephone analogy on your blog, actually. I ate pomegranate seeds. I went through really dreadful confusion to being very, very clear in the head.