Everything is my fault, apparently.

[SueBaroo]

He cared for me when I was really ill, and couldn't dig the garden/tidy the garage/mend the guttering - my fault. Now I'm able to go out alone and do so (to Tesco for an hour on a Saturday morning - woo hoo!) he still can't do those things - my fault.

The house isn't tidy when he comes home, because I'm looking after four children under 7 all day - my fault. He has the children while I'm out for my one hour alone, he can't tidy the house because I've left him with all four - my fault.

He's so bloody cross with me all day. I tried talking to him earlier and he grunted at me, and then I gave up, started peeling carrots and he snapped at me and said I wasn't very talkative.

Someone tell me going back to being submissive is a bad idea, because right now, it's looking like an attractive option.

[onebatmother]

Ach Sue, it's far too late on a schoolnight for me to go there... don't suck me in.. nOooooo!

[CaptainCod]

agree
youc nat be indebted foever cos he was once nice
that what he promised to do surely

[CaptainCod]

adn why are you analsying it so mucha dn asking folk for opinions on your reproductiom( us aside obv)

most folk just muddel a long wihtotu analysis and find some happy ground surely

[SueBaroo]

Cod, interesting chart. Going to think about that one.

PW, you're right, it is a positive thing. Pendulum swings one way and then all the way back again, and then, hopefully, finds the middle.

Dior, you're quite right.

Puss - yes, I do find the comparative religion thing in this interesting.

[CaptainCod]

i have a lOT more on this id love to find online.

cat me if you want the full copy.

[discoverlife]

'In sickness and Health' he did his duty, and by helping now he will have a wife who has recovered quicker and who will respect him more.

[CaptainCod]

POWER and CONTROL

Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by:

Telling them what to do and expecting obedience

Using force to maintain power and control over partners

Feeling their partners have no right to challenge their desire for power and control

Feeling justified making the victim comply

Blaming the abuse on the partner and not accepting responsibility for wrongful acts.

The characteristics shown in the wheel are examples of how this power and control are demonstrated and enacted against the victim.

----------------

ISOLATION

limiting outside involvement

making another avoid people/friends/family by deliberately embarrassing or humiliating them in front of others

expecting another to report every move and activity

restricting use of the car

moving residences

EMOTIONAL ABUSE
putting another down/name-calling

ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments

withholding approval or affection

making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation

unreasonable jealousy and suspicion

playing mind games

ECONOMIC ABUSE
preventing another from getting or keeping a job

withholding funds

spending family income without consent and/or making the partner struggle to pay bills

not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income

forcing someone to ask for basic necessities

INTIMIDATION
driving recklessly to make another feel threatened or endangered

destroying property or cherished possessions

making another afraid by using looks/actions/gestures

throwing objects as an expression of anger to make another feel threatened

displaying weapons

USING CHILDREN or PETS
threatening to take the children away

making the partner feel guilty about the children

abusing children or pets to punish the partner

using the children to relay messages

USING PRIVILEDGE
treating another like a servant

making all the big decisions

being the one to define male and female roles

acting like the master or queen of the castle

SEXUAL ABUSE
sex on demand or sexual withholding

physical assaults during sexual intercourse

spousal rapes or non-consensual sex

sexually degrading language

denying reproductive freedom

THREATS
threats of violence against significant third parties

threats to commit physical or sexual harm

threats to commit property destruction

threats to commit suicide or murder

PHYSICAL ABUSE
biting/scratching

slapping/punching

kicking/stomping

throwing objects at another

locking another in a closet or utilizing other confinement

sleep interference and/or deliberately exhausting the partner with unreasonable demands and lack of rest

deprivation of heat or food

shoving another down steps or into objects

assaults with weapons such as knives/guns/other objects

[SueBaroo]

I'm analysing it now, because I'm trying to work out where I went so bloody wrong, really. I'm not going to clobber him - he has apologized for being a twat today. I know he doesn't get a free pass because he's my carer, and yes, he promised to do that. But I promised to obey, and people don't always keep their promises.

I am so over the contraception thing. I got told today that I was 'making myself God' and I did a mental moonie to the person who told me that.

[CaptainCod]

they need to wind theri necks in

[policywonk]

Sue, you say your Dh has 'this awful feeling of having been duped and guilted into doing it 'the right way'' - does that mean that he is also beginning to question it?

[colditz]

Suebaroo, your fertility and your contraception is between you and your God, and nobody else. Nobody else.

I'm not getting into religion on this, but just as you promised to obey him, he promised to cherish you. And it's easy to cherish someone who is immobilised and needs your physical care ... not so easy to cherish them when they are making autonomous decisions of their own, which may be contrary to the decisions you would make yourself ... but that does NOT reduce their right to be treated with respect. Think babies v teenagers.

[CaptainCod]

and god we all promis ehtings we change our midns about
like er ... babysitting
ro not using dummies

[SueBaroo]

I don't think it's abuse. And I'm not in denial about that, I really don't. How can it be when we've chosen it together as a lifestyle? And for much of the time, I've driven it along because I was so convinced it was the right way to do things.

Yes, I was wrong about that, but I can certainly cut him some slack when this life I've been so committed to for so long suddenly changes. I'm having trouble adjusting myself.

[CaptainCod]

well you chosoe marriage as a lifetyle odn tyou
ro heterosecuality
i dont htink the fact that you chose ti means it hasnt changed does it?
anway its up to you to hintk baout that not us.

[colditz]

It may be that his behavior is being driven by his not knowing how he is expected to behave any more.

[CaptainCod]

generalyl this kind of controllign is led by( ywan) low self esteem, and the idea that YOU haev to be bad for HIM to look good.

which sounds abotu right.

[SueBaroo]

PW, yes, he is. He went through agonies (ha ha) over having the snip. I know everyone makes glib statements about that, but it's not a small thing. And I think he'd wanted to do it ages ago, but was nervous about my reaction to it.

[SueBaroo]

Cod, quite right. Change is a pain in the arse, though.

Colditz, yes, that's the same for both of us, really.

[CaptainCod]

well we will muddle alogn listening to oyu sue.

its fine!

[policywonk]

Did he get it done then? It sounds as though he's not a lost cause

Seriously, that sounds like quite a big concession.

[SueBaroo]

Yes, he did indeed get it done. Silly sod went back to work the day after, too. It was that or toddlers jumping all over him, so I can understand the choice

[policywonk]

It sounds as though in his heart he is with you Sue, or at least willing to make fairly major compromises.

Is your church non-negotiable (for you or him)? Could you start attending a different one?

[SueBaroo]

Pretty much non-negotiable, but that's ok, it's not the church that promotes this stuff, it's the friends we've managed to surround ourselves with.

[colditz]

but you choose your friends, don't you. So you could choose to ditch them if they are being 'non-constructive' in your life.

[SnappyLaGore]

now you see, this is the sort of thing that makes me have strong feelings about religion, and not good ones.

i know thats not remotely helpful anmd i apologise for that.

you have my respect sue. fwiw.