Flippant comment or controlling behaviour

[needagoodnightsleep1]

Ill try and make this as short as i can but looking for an impartial opinion.
We've got an event to attend next week for my dd where my exh will also be there. No issues there we coparent quiet well and attend celebrations for our dc without any hassle.

Dh and me haven't been getting on too great the last few weeks bickering and arguing.
Today he says he's not attending the event because we'll just argue, but in the same breath says he wont be playing happy families with my exh. I've explained me exh unfortunately trumps him when it comes to ds and dd and he has every right to be there, if he doesn't want to attend thats up to him. So he's saying he's not going. Ok thats his choice i wont be forcing the issue but reiterate under no circumstances will i not be attending and this if the first of many future celebrations in dc lives we will need to attend together. I wont be missing out on anything because of him.

Over text I've said are you trying to stop me from going, if you kick off enough do you think i wont go, because that will never happen.
He responds with no why would you suggest i would try and stop you. Literally without me even replying he messages straight back saying exh will be happy to have his family back again.
And now he's all confused because im angry with him and he doesn't understand why. He's claiming he's just saying exh will be happy he's not there! For background my exh has no issues with him and has a partner himself. No reason whatsoever for him to be happy dh is not there. To be honest he would probably think its weird if he is not.

I feel like i loosing the plot here and have no-one in rl to discuss this with.
Does it appear how it makes me feel to an outsider or am i been a little bit precious x

Had the arguing all died down before you sent the text asking him whether he was trying to stop you from going? Did you send that text out of the blue or in response to a text of his?

If you sent it out of the blue, then I think you are being unreasonable. If you sent it in response to him, what had he said first to make you respond with that message?

Sorry in my rambling i wasn't very clear, my comment about stopping me going was straight after he said exh will be happy to have his little family back. Ive reread the messages back just to be sure. So if was after his comment not just a random comment i threw into the conversation if that makes sense x

OK thanks for clarifying. Would you like your husband there, or do you agree with him that you will just argue?

If you want him there, I would try to make it up with him personally. Maybe he is feeling a bit awkward about going and like a spare part and has blurted out a daft comment.

If you're not bothered about him attending, I wouldn't get het up about his comment either.

Thanks for your reply, it never occurred to me he wouldnt go. I think it would be strange if he didnt go and i know everyone will ask why. But i also know if he goes with this mindframe he will be awkward and cause an argument. I have no intentions of having an arguement and ruining dd day. It'll be 2/3 hours max.
On the other hand i know if i go without him when i get back he'll just constantly dig about me been there with exh for it and him not been there. So im stuck between a rock and a hard place

He doesn't sound very mature, I must say. I hope you get some other advice soon and that it all works out at the event, whoever ends up going.

Also just to clarify we have attended celebrations before so im not sure why he would feel akward now.
We have a joint dd who will be with us and my exh is going alone so if anyone should feel awkward it would be him.
Also it does concern me that i have two dc with exh and this is probably one of many occasions we will all have to be amicable for. I dont like the feeling that i have to choose. I don't understand why everyone cant be there for a couple of hour's do whats best for the kids and go on our merry way afterwards 😣

How long have you been with him? He sounds like an immature jealous idiot.

Thank you

Weve been together 6 and a half years been married for 5

@Dacadactyl thank you

In 6 years, you’ve presumably previously attended events at which you ex was present with him. How has he (your current DH) behaved?

If he's been to events previously, has anything been said or done previously that might make him feel awkward about it? It seems like an odd change of heart if there have previously been no issues.

Does he know your exh is going alone? Does he perhaps feel your exh will be spending the whole event with the two of you? Either way it does seem like a rather immature response from him.

And you're not stuck between a rock and a hard place. You have no control over what he does. You go for your child.

I would prefer he not be there. Thank him for his decision.

If he's there he'll kick off about some minor thing and a nice event will be ruined. My x was like this. It was a nightmare. So many birthdays, mine and other people's were just ruined.

You divorced one husband, you can divorce another. Do you have younger children that he will refuse to look after while you go to this event??

I feel for you. People will be judging you for not doing it for the children but you cannot as I discovered be reasonable for somebody else. You can try on your own behalf but if you're not being met half way, you can do no more. I had a friends mother explain to me ''you have to be civil for the children'' and she had no advice on how I would force an angry hostile bitter man to be ''civil''. He wasn't. Large part of why I left him, yet I was expected to make him civil and reasonable for the kids after I'd left.

Part of adult life is managing slightly awkward situations. I have had to attend school concerts, funerals and graduations with my partner's ex and it's been fine. Your DP is being a dick about this, sorry.

He sounds jealous and insecure. He may want to sabbotage the event for you due to his feelings.
Dont fix this now. He’s made his choice.
Hes an adult and can talk - enjoy yourself.

Ah OP, it sounds like everyone's doing their best. Your DH doesn't want to stop you going but is still sad at the thought of being left out and a bit threatened at the bond between you and your ex over your daughter. Cut yourself, and him, a bit of slack. It's hard, we humans aren't always rational. Enjoy the night, enjoy your DH, and stay loving and and warm.

So just be calm and clear.

Say I'm going clearly, and want you to come, in fact I think it will look strange you are not there. Ho hum. It's your choice though and just to point out beforehand I don't want to hear any nonsense about it afterwards.

Let me know what you want to do and that's all that needs to be discussed.

What is the rock and what is the hard place? You've got no decision to make. You're going to the event. You know you're doing nothing wrong by doing that, and he's invited. All the drama is coming from him. If you don't understand why he's causing a problem, talk to him about it. Ask him what's bothering him. If he can't have a calm conversation with you about it, when approached calmly and kindly, then you have more than 'his problem with your ex' to deal with.

What's your relationship like outside of this issue? Is he good at compromise? Do you feel he communicates well with you, and respects your independence? Is he generally happy for you to have a life of your own?

The root of this isn’t your ex at all - that’s a red herring. It’s why you’re arguing in the first place.

Dh and me haven't been getting on too great the last few weeks bickering and arguing.
**
Today he says he's not attending the event because we'll just argue

He’s picking a fight about the ex because he’s feeling insecure.

Why are you bickering and not getting on. What’s changed lately?

Yeahhhh sounds to me like you need to listen to each other with empathy and curiosity.......

You sound very much in 'dig your heels in' and 'refuse to be swayed' 'not genuinely interested I. What the other person is feeling' mode.... (more than him actually), which isn't going to get you very far...

Thank you for all your replies.
The last event we attended all together was in February so there not really a regular thing. There was absolutely no issues i was aware of, my exh bought him a pint and vice versa.
My exh is taking our joint ds and we are going with our dd. Perhaps he does find it all a bit uncomfortable but id rather him say so i can reassure him and we can talk about it.
Im absolutely going wether he does or not. I however don't want the back lash when i get if he decides not to go.

He doesn't communicate very well at all, he lashes out gets defensive and throws all sorts of strange comment's completely unrelated to the issue and i admit i struggle with this.

The change recently i would probably say was more me, i would usually let him have a rant about whatever and try to block it out. I don't know if he's doing it more recently or i have just noticed it more and got fed up with it. Things i may have led slide i don't think i am now.
A calm respectful conversation is what I'm going to attempt this afternoon and go from there.

If he’s not a good communicator, you need to do it to smooth things over (although I couldn’t be married to someone like him!)

H, I love you and I want you to be at special family events, because you’re an important part of my family. I love the DC, and I want them to know that you and I will always attend their events and support them. The DC love their Dad, and I want them to know he too will always attend their events and support them. The three of us are ADULTS and must always do what’s best for the CHILDREN - that’s being mature, respectful and civil to everyone. If you can’t do that, and you’re making these events about You/EXH then that’s massively disappointing and unfair to the children.

Thank you, i did say something very similar last night but will try again this evening.
I feel like its me constantly having to smooth things over he can say and do whatever he wants however hurtful and i just have to ignore it. If once when its calmed down i ask him what he meant by ... whatever it was he said at the time. I'm accused of causing arguments and when i try to explain i just want to understand wheres he coming from he starts again. It's exhausting I'm exhausted and not sure i want to spend the rest if my life walking on eggs shells.