Flippant comment or controlling behaviour

[needagoodnightsleep1]

Ill try and make this as short as i can but looking for an impartial opinion.
We've got an event to attend next week for my dd where my exh will also be there. No issues there we coparent quiet well and attend celebrations for our dc without any hassle.

Dh and me haven't been getting on too great the last few weeks bickering and arguing.
Today he says he's not attending the event because we'll just argue, but in the same breath says he wont be playing happy families with my exh. I've explained me exh unfortunately trumps him when it comes to ds and dd and he has every right to be there, if he doesn't want to attend thats up to him. So he's saying he's not going. Ok thats his choice i wont be forcing the issue but reiterate under no circumstances will i not be attending and this if the first of many future celebrations in dc lives we will need to attend together. I wont be missing out on anything because of him.

Over text I've said are you trying to stop me from going, if you kick off enough do you think i wont go, because that will never happen.
He responds with no why would you suggest i would try and stop you. Literally without me even replying he messages straight back saying exh will be happy to have his family back again.
And now he's all confused because im angry with him and he doesn't understand why. He's claiming he's just saying exh will be happy he's not there! For background my exh has no issues with him and has a partner himself. No reason whatsoever for him to be happy dh is not there. To be honest he would probably think its weird if he is not.

I feel like i loosing the plot here and have no-one in rl to discuss this with.
Does it appear how it makes me feel to an outsider or am i been a little bit precious x

Sadly, that’s sometimes the inevitable conclusion when adults aren’t mature enough to be a part of a blended family. You’ll get sick of the same argument, and walking on egg shells.

I hope he sorts himself out, for your sake

Thank you, i hope so too but my gut is telling me it'll be like this for all events/occasions in the future. Its been 6 years id understand some jealousy and insecurity at the beginning but if he hasn't calmed by now i don't think he ever will no matter what i say 😣

Needs moving

You're not losing the plot, and you're exhausted because this is exhausting.

Living on eggshells, having to block it out and smooth things over while he rants, being braced for backlash, being accused of causing arguments by someone manipulative with poor communication when you raise questions is all very, very exhausting.

In terms of what you do regarding the event, I would calmly explain to DH that given that he doesn't appear to be coping with the idea of attending, you would like him to sit this one out. That you would be happy for him to join you in future but that you've probably got some conversations to have before that will be possible. He will of course try to make you the problem. That's what he wants. Go, do your thing. Don't worry about people asking where he is, loads of excuses fit, just pick a boring one.

Longer term I think you need a good old think about whether this is a marriage you can thrive in, and that your kids can see you being treated like you would like them to be treated in future.