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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn addiction

29 replies

Mae96 · 20/10/2022 11:01

Sorry if this is a long one, I just really don’t know what to do!
i am a 26 year old female been with my partner (29) for nearly 10 years, we have a 12 week old daughter together (IVF baby)
so during lockdown 2020 I noticed my partner been ‘off’ with me, no intimacy, didn’t want to talk to me, kept not been able to get or keep an erection so then started using viagra. At this point we were going through rounds of ivf so brushed it off as stress.
he admitted to me that he had watched porn a couple of times but my gut told me it was more. (We had said at the beginning of our relationship that we don’t condone porn in relationships)
anyway fast forward to after having our daughter, the conversation came back up again as I sobbed to him how disgusting I feel in myself in my new post partum body.
I recently discovered that he had been watching porn ALL the time, even when I was in hospital after having our daughter, when I was in the house, when I’d left the house, parked up before work, when I was working night shifts, especially whilst been pregnant!
i found out he’d used video chat rooms, calling sex lines when I was at work!
there where other things he did (lies) that I can get over but the porn just really hurts me, he said he liked the reactions the porn stars had when having sex so now if we have sex and I don’t sound like those porn stars (moans) then he loses his erection which then makes me feel disgusting but then I also don’t want to be fake because porn isn’t real!
he’s started counselling but I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it all the time, it’s driving me insane!
what do I do!!😔

OP posts:
Icecreamandapplepie · 20/10/2022 11:12

So sorry to hear this, its an increasingly common problem and nothing at all to do with you.

There's alot online to support partners of porn addicts, and most importantly, validate your feelings, wh8ch ate totally understandable.

To be fair, he could be married to Kim Kardashian and it still wouldn't be enough. It's the variety they get addicted to.

I'm sorry. It's good he's getting counselling to be fair. The lying is part of the addiction.

You need to brace that he may never give it up.

Original poster
Mae96 · 20/10/2022 11:16

I know deep deep down it isn’t to do with me but just can’t help thinking it sometimes😞
I think because if I hadn’t of found out then it may have progressed into real life cheating (he says he hasnt) that’s what bothers me and I’m only going off that he says he hasn’t cheated, I have no evidence of it!
and also the fact he searched for specific porn stars meaning he liked what he saw and that makes it more personal in my eyes, and obviously the chat rooms and sex lines!
i will look into support groups, Thankyou!😞

OP posts:
WahineToa · 20/10/2022 11:18

The average age a female enters the sea industry in the UK is 14. That’s just one horrific fact. This would be a deal breaker for me. You decide what your line is. I would never tolerate it.

JamSandle · 20/10/2022 11:21

WahineToa · 20/10/2022 11:18

The average age a female enters the sea industry in the UK is 14. That’s just one horrific fact. This would be a deal breaker for me. You decide what your line is. I would never tolerate it.

I agree with you WahineToa.

WahineToa · 20/10/2022 11:23

Here’s another, the number 1 most searched on Pornhub is: teenage anal rape.

Clymene · 20/10/2022 11:25

He is cheating. He's spending your family money on calling women to have virtual sex with him

Original poster
Mae96 · 20/10/2022 11:27

@WahineToa your joking?!!
I don’t really know much about the porn industry tbh as obviously I don’t watch it but that is sickening!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mae96 · 20/10/2022 11:30

@Clymene oh I absolutely know it is cheating in that sense, I meant he hasn’t physically had sex with someone (that I know of)
I’m just finding it hard as I never thought we would be in this situation and I love him so much!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 20/10/2022 11:35

Unfortunately - I don’t think your relationship would survive in the long term. Even if you manage to patch it up for now.
It isn’t anything to do with you or him really. Just that your got together too young.

Original poster
Mae96 · 20/10/2022 11:37

@MMmomDD I do question that sometimes anyway but as I am from a large family where almost all my relatives got together with there partners young and are still happily married then I thought I could too but I guess it just doesn’t always happen like that😔

OP posts:
WahineToa · 20/10/2022 11:44

I’ve been with my DH over 30 years since I was 15. He would never watch porn. We both feel the same way about it and have daughters. I think you need to confront him, tell him how you feel about it and see what he says

MMmomDD · 20/10/2022 11:47

Maybe it was a different generation and they had different expectations.
In reality - it’s difficult, and almost impossible to just have one sexual partner for most of your life. And to maintain a level of sexual interest and attraction.
In your situation - the waning of sexuality between the two of you happened already at the 10y mark. Once that happens - it’s very hard to bring that back.

Most young people date around, then eventually settle down. Having satisfied some sort of curiosity about other people.
This didn’t happen for the two of you.
While you were busy thinking about having babies, he was clearly in a different mental place. Porn is just a symptom of that.

You have a young baby. In your place - I’d just focus on that and see how things go. There are orders of priority and babies come first.

Original poster
Mae96 · 20/10/2022 11:48

@WahineToa This is what I said to him obviously especially after having our daughter, that it is just absolutely disgusting how they treat women!
he is honestly such a great partner other than this, he has put the blocks on adult sites ect and started his counselling, maybe it’s just me that needs help with my self esteem now too whether I stay with him or not😔

OP posts:
WahineToa · 20/10/2022 11:53

That may be something to think about. In my opinion, great partners don’t watch porn.

Bookworm20 · 20/10/2022 11:53

I don't think you'll be able to overcome this. It IS cheating in my book. He is seeking out other women to watch and neglecting you, his real life woman right beside him. Plus add in all the horribleness of the porn industry, its mostly not consensual. So hes ok with that?

I'd be making plans to leave if it was me, but obviously you need to make that decision if its something you can overcome.

And by the way - they all say they have a porn addiction. Takes the blame off themselves for being a shitty human being. So you then are faced with thinking, poor them, they couldn't help it. Rubbish. He made a choice to watch it. And watched it when you were at your most vulnerable, being pregnant and as a new mum.

You have expressed to him how you feel about yourself after having a baby, and thats totally natural to feel that way. And his answer? To make you feel worse about yourself by watching and more sickenly comparing you to women on these porn videos. He is actually trying to blame you for him not wanting to have sex with you or hold an erection. Because you don't look or sound like these women. Its NOT you, OP. Never, ever forget that.
You deserve to be with a man who worships you, not makes you feel like shit and blames you for his own failings.

WahineToa · 20/10/2022 11:54

In reality - it’s difficult, and almost impossible to just have one sexual partner for most of your life. And to maintain a level of sexual interest and attraction.

It’s unusual for some but not difficult, certainly not impossible and not that unusual in my circles either!

Bookworm20 · 20/10/2022 11:56

While you were busy thinking about having babies, he was clearly in a different mental place. Porn is just a symptom of that.

Or he is just a selfish shitty human being. Absolutely nothing to do with them getting together young. Sounds like you are blaming the OP for her DH watching porn!

Original poster
Mae96 · 20/10/2022 12:06

We had both had sexual partners before getting with eachother (not that I’m proud of that because we were so young) but yeah!
i know deep down really that if don’t get over it then I need to just leave and I really do understand where you are all coming from with this! Just can’t help but want to just keep this family together but I know that I have to just think about myself and my daughter at the end of the day!😔 it’s just absolutely shit (sorry for swearing) 😔

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 20/10/2022 12:08

@Bookworm20

Of course I am not blaming OP for her partner watching porn.
All I am saying - there is a reason majority of us aren’t with same partners we got together at 16/19.

Those relationships mostly don’t last.

WahineToa · 20/10/2022 12:10

Most people change a lot in their twenties and thirties so relationships started before that can be challenging in that area. I think it has little to do with some urge to need more than one sexual partner though. Indeed there’s a lot of broken relationships these days and most aren’t started that young.

Bookworm20 · 20/10/2022 12:11

Don't apologise for swearing. It is absolutely shit. And you haven't caused any of it. And whatever decision you make, he is the one that put you in the position of having to make that decision. Remember that.

You need to think about how this has affected you, and whether its something you can get past. You don't need to make any rash decisions right now. You can decide in a years time, 2 years time if thats how long it takes. There is no expiry date on how you feel or when you can decide if its something you can/can't live with.

Also, be aware. He may have set parental limits on the wifi, but all this can still be accessed through a regular mobile network.

Bookworm20 · 20/10/2022 12:13

MMmomDD · 20/10/2022 12:08

@Bookworm20

Of course I am not blaming OP for her partner watching porn.
All I am saying - there is a reason majority of us aren’t with same partners we got together at 16/19.

Those relationships mostly don’t last.

Well if this one doesn't last, its not because they got together too young. They haven't just drifted apart. The reason it may not last is because OP's DH has been a disrespectful turd. That can happen whatever age people get together.

Naunet · 20/10/2022 15:42

WahineToa · 20/10/2022 11:18

The average age a female enters the sea industry in the UK is 14. That’s just one horrific fact. This would be a deal breaker for me. You decide what your line is. I would never tolerate it.

That is absolutely horrifying. Do you have a link at all?

WahineToa · 20/10/2022 15:46

I read this in a book I have on porn. I’m sure it’s referenced so I’ll have a look later but I’ve heard that figure for a long time

Naunet · 20/10/2022 16:52

WahineToa · 20/10/2022 15:46

I read this in a book I have on porn. I’m sure it’s referenced so I’ll have a look later but I’ve heard that figure for a long time

Thank you, it’s just so incredibly shocking to hear that. Would like to read up on it but when I Google it I just get results about people watching porn annoyingly.