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Is this a red flag?

35 replies

Littleschlee · 20/10/2022 00:35

Guy I’m seeing has strong opinions on things which generally I quite like (seems assertive, honest etc). One thing that I do find weird (and I’m not sure if it’s just sense of humour as we are both quite sarcastic) is that sometimes he will say things are boring eg a new TV series or an episode of something. So we discussed a series we both liked and our fave episodes, we agreed on one and then discussed another which I liked - he said he found it a bit annoying and boring plot line.

is this dismissive or am I overthinking?

OP posts:
JanesBond · 20/10/2022 00:55

There is a middle ground between middle ground and red flag.

Angelofthenortheast · 20/10/2022 00:57

Red flags are warning signs about a dodgy partner. This is just a different taste in TV programmes

KitchiHuritAngeni · 20/10/2022 00:58

No it's not a red flag at all. It was a difference of opinion.

username345 · 20/10/2022 00:58

Littleschlee · 20/10/2022 00:35

Guy I’m seeing has strong opinions on things which generally I quite like (seems assertive, honest etc). One thing that I do find weird (and I’m not sure if it’s just sense of humour as we are both quite sarcastic) is that sometimes he will say things are boring eg a new TV series or an episode of something. So we discussed a series we both liked and our fave episodes, we agreed on one and then discussed another which I liked - he said he found it a bit annoying and boring plot line.

is this dismissive or am I overthinking?

A red flag of what? Having a difference of opinion? Is he meant to nod along slavishly to everything you say?

Trez1510 · 20/10/2022 00:59

Overthinking.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2022 01:03

I really don't understand what your issue is. Is this your biggest problem with him?

Littleschlee · 20/10/2022 01:09

Point taken, it was more to do with the fact that I said I liked something and he said it was boring. Felt a bit dismissive

OP posts:
username345 · 20/10/2022 01:13

Littleschlee · 20/10/2022 01:09

Point taken, it was more to do with the fact that I said I liked something and he said it was boring. Felt a bit dismissive

A red flag would be him calling you stupid or making a derisory comment about you for liking something he doesn't. He was simply expressing a difference of opinion and he told you why he didn't feel the same. It's not a red flag.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 20/10/2022 01:15

Did he say "Well I thought it was boring because X, Y, Z" or did he say "No it wasn't good it was boring"? If it's the former, he's allowed an opinion and he doesn't have to agree with you. If it's the latter, it's his opinion shared by dismissing you which isn't very polite but is not a big deal

BuggersMuddle · 20/10/2022 01:22

The disagreement itself seems trivial. The dismissiveness or otherwise sounds like it could be tone. He might mean nothing by it, or he might intend to be dismissive. Equally you might be sensing something that isn't there or you might be onto something. Third option, your communication styles just won't work (no-one's wrong, it's fine).

Sounds a bit early though. Do you take offence easily if someone disagrees with you on art / film / whatever, because it doesn't necessarily mean they don't like respect you? Equally if he is really sneery, it's early days and you don't like it, then it's totally fine to bin whether his intent is dismissive or not.

Greenshake · 20/10/2022 01:25

Seriously?

beastlyslumber · 20/10/2022 02:06

Sounds fine to me but you're the one who was there and it's how you feel that matters. You say he has strong opinions and is assertive so maybe it's just his style, but if it doesn't suit you then throw him back.

Glitteratitar · 20/10/2022 02:15

LTB. How dare he have different opinions to you instead of meekly agreeing with whatever you say!

MissMaple82 · 20/10/2022 04:25

Huh??

Ekátn · 20/10/2022 04:34

Littleschlee · 20/10/2022 01:09

Point taken, it was more to do with the fact that I said I liked something and he said it was boring. Felt a bit dismissive

My partner likes fishing. I think it’s boring. Really boring. I don’t get it at all. I don’t get how it can be enjoyable. But he likes it. i am glad he has something he enjoys. He enjoys it. My opinion it doesn’t matter. We just have different interests.

If he told me i was a red flag because my opinion is different, I would laugh.

Your boyfriend is allowed to find something boring that you don’t. If he was saying you should find it boring because he does, that’s a problem. But you haven’t indicated that.

If we are talking about red flags, the red flag would be you saying you like someone with strong opinions, then deciding they shouldn’t be sharing those opinions if they aren’t the same as yours.

Diverseopinions · 20/10/2022 04:55

I think he might have a block about interpreting his own feelings. Using the adjective 'boring' to describe most things he doesn't really rate is a bit simplistic. A series is about people, real life type situations, the human condition: presumably if others watch it enough for it to get air time, it must have some positive features. It would be more expressive of him to say the characterisation of a main person was clichéd, or the humour was rather trite. Or that he watches it when he just wants to flop after work, but wouldn't choose it on his day off, for binge watching.

Not enough to be a red flag, but it could be a bit socially inept, if you've been emoting about why a programme really engages you, and putting your heart into reliving an episode, and he says "Oh, it's boring". Part of life is being connected and impressed by the enthusiasms of another person - sometimes the appeal of a book or genre of music grows on you over time. If he isn't giving a new idea head space or a try, he maybe isn't open to the ideas or point of view of others. It's a little rude, as well to, dismiss something that another person has really gone over board on praising. More sensitive to say: " I'll have to give it another go, as you like it so much. Perhaps I've missed something. Sometimes things just stay in your head, when you've been feeling scathing watching them, and you like it much better on the second go."

Strong opinions can be not great, but you'll probably find out more as you go on. That's often the way, you let something go as just an idiosyncrasy, and then it happens over something where you feel they ought to have seen the other pov, a bit more, and they are not really open to spiritual growth and synthesizing new ways of thinking. Obviously TV programmes or films are not really a deal breaker.

marcopront · 20/10/2022 05:01

If the order of the comments had been reversed, so he said it was boring first would have still said you liked it?
If you still said you liked would you consider that dismissing his opinion?

girlmom21 · 20/10/2022 06:13

Did it feel dismissive because of what he said or how he said it?

GreyCarpet · 20/10/2022 06:51

You're allowed to like something and he's allowed to think it's boring.

It would be an issue if he was criticising you or making out that you were unintelligent because you liked it or mocking you but just not liking something you do like and expressing it is not a red flag.

My mother is an odd person and she takes anyone (well me at least) having a different opinion to her as a personal criticism (she also feels its dismissive). She told me I was 'being naughty' when she realised I voted differently to her; told me I'd made my point when I breastfed for longer than her; and accused me of 'using my intelligence against' her if I used vocabulary that she didn't understand. It was caused by a very fragile ego and the constant criticism is one of the reasons I haven't spoken to her in 10 years.

If I were you, I'd examine whether or not you see people/him having a differing opinion to you as a red flag because you feel it as a personal slight or whether you're just hyper alert to potential red flags.

Because, actually, not permitting someone to have a different opinion to you is more of a red flag than someone holding that opinion and expressing it respectfully.

hugefanofcheese · 20/10/2022 10:46

I take your point OP.

It's not a red flag in the sense that he's a danger or anything, and yes of course he is allowed a different opinion but I think it could be dismissive and not very gracious.

If you're having a convo about TV/ books/ anything and someone just declares 'boring!!' then it shuts that conversation down and doesn't allow any expansion about something you like. It's hardly a considered critique. Not saying he has to go into detail about every episode of every programme.

I think a lot depends on how it's said but a sarcastic or dismissive 'boring!' on a regular basis is hardly sparkling conversation at an early stage.

Suzi888 · 20/10/2022 10:49

marcopront · 20/10/2022 05:01

If the order of the comments had been reversed, so he said it was boring first would have still said you liked it?
If you still said you liked would you consider that dismissing his opinion?

^ This

It is not a red flag. If you need to ask I would step away now as I don’t think your ready.

Suzi888 · 20/10/2022 10:51

Unless you said “I love Emmerdale” and he shouts “BORING!” at you. That’s a bit of a conversation killer.

LindaEllen · 20/10/2022 11:09

My DP thinks most things I watch (soaps!) are boring, and happily tells me.

He is a wonderful man.

Watchkeys · 20/10/2022 13:12

Littleschlee · 20/10/2022 01:09

Point taken, it was more to do with the fact that I said I liked something and he said it was boring. Felt a bit dismissive

Things aren't either 'ok' or 'red flag'.

You will have things that are 'red flags' i.e. 'stop' signs, just for you. So, whilst there are universal ones (violence, verbal abuse etc), you are the person who has to decide what is a red flag for you. For example, a partner who bought a pet rat for me would not be displaying a red flag, but a partner who bought a pet rat for his pathologically rat-phobic partner would be. It's not about the behaviour, it's about your own response.

So, if he does something that feels dismissive, it depends how dismissive you find it, not how much of a red flag we think it is.

Does he often do things that feel dismissive to you?

emptythelitterbox · 20/10/2022 13:31

Strong opinions can lead to someone who is constantly knitpicking and criticizing you all the time or being a know it all blowhard.

Both unpleasant and annoying.

How is he when you tell him something he likes is boring?

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