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Original poster

It's me or the cat?

40 replies

bighairbigdreams · 19/10/2022 21:43

Hi, I'm looking for some helpful advice please. I'm in a fairly new relationship with a man who I have had a long-standing friendship with for a number of years.
I'm sure he is the one, and have no doubts about our relationship aside from this one issue.
DPs ex has a cat, and in a nutshell when they broke up it was always the understanding that she would take the cat, and she made it very clear that was what she wanted. However when it came to moving she chose somewhere unsuitable and as such she left the cat behind, on the proviso that she would find somewhere suitable for the cat as soon as she could. She was very upset about this at the time. Between then and now she has got upset on several occasions that he hasn't asked if she'd like to visit the cat, and that when we have been on holiday we haven't asked her to look after it and have made other arrangements.
I've always been concerned she was keeping the cat as a point of contact with him which I wasn't really bothered about because as soon as she moved that would be over and done with, and he has never pandered to any of her requests.
I have a dog, and during this time we have made arrangements to keep the animals separate when I stay over at his, and when he stays at mine he has to pop home to feed the cat, which is becoming a huge inconvenience. We're now at the point where we want to move in together and basically we can't until she takes the cat.
I know this is a "DP problem" and one he must sort out, but I'd really appreciate any advice as to how to keep everybody happy and resolve this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2022 21:45

Can the dog and cat not acclimate to each other? Many households have both cats and dogs.

FairlyNew · 19/10/2022 21:46

Live together with the cat and the dog. Simples!

CheshireCats · 19/10/2022 21:49

So your partner has to get rid of his pet. To accommodate you and your pet....
If I were him on the the end of your "It's me or the cat" ultimatum, I know which one I would choose....

ilovesooty · 19/10/2022 21:50

The cat was in his life before you were.

Original poster
bighairbigdreams · 19/10/2022 21:53

I didn't explain that very well, it's not his cat, it's very much her cat and she would be heartbroken if he kept it, hence trying to do the right thing and saying he would look after it while she found some suitable accommodation.

Any tips on trying to acclimatise the cat and dog would be most welcome! My dog is a hunting breed and has a very strong prey drive so we haven't dare let them be in the same room together.

OP posts:
marmaladepop · 19/10/2022 21:53

Cats and dogs in the main usually blend in happily together, unless you have an ex racing greyhound or suchlike! Cat will need a safe space to escape dog if dog is over enthusiastic with it. The cat will usually end up ruling the roost.

marmaladepop · 19/10/2022 21:55

Sorry our posts crossed. If your dog has a very high prey drive it may prove unworkable.

StarDolphins · 19/10/2022 21:58

How could you make the cat homeless, why can’t you all live together? If I was your bf & you told me to get rid of the cat I would either dump you or at the least say absolutely not.

custardbear · 19/10/2022 21:59

You need to back down a bit and find a solution where you're not so inflexible IMO
They'll mix soon enough I'm sure but you need to be more accommodating

WilsonMilson · 19/10/2022 21:59

Well, it’s not her cat if she chose accommodation that she couldn’t take the cat to, and you don’t even have her look after it when you’re away. It’s your dp’s cat now.

Further, you can’t have your life dictated by when your dp’s ex moves. How long is that going to go in?
Either:

a) let the cat and dog get used to each other and move in.

b) tell dp’s ex she has to take the cat now or it’s going to be rehomed.

You don’t say much about dp’s opinion here. Is your dp using this as a handy excuse to delay moving in together? Or do you just hate cats?

FairlyNew · 19/10/2022 22:00

Oh yikes, a high prey drive could be tricky. Can he explain to ex? Otherwise you can slowly introduce them with scent first (eg towels) and then sight and see what the immediate response is. Depending on your knowledge of your dog you can then just throw them in together and see what happens... Obviously very carefully and with escape route for cat and lead on dog so you can grab it! Feliway etc is also good. We have done this and cat and dog are not friends but don't eat each other.

Circumferences · 19/10/2022 22:07

It sounds frustrating, and I'd also wonder why his ex didn't find a suitable place to live with the cat that she supposedly so wants to keep. I'd be annoyed too!

Unfortunately not much you can do about it. It's down to her to move (again).

In the meanwhile, it wouldn't be fair on the poor cat to rehome it.

Cat shelters are in crisis right now with so many cats being rehomed, loads of people bought pets in the lockdowns but are now facing economic difficulties and ditching their pets. It's a sad time for pets.

Maybe wait a while longer or basically send a string message to the ex that she needs to collect her cat.

Why can't she take the cat anyway?

NightsByTheLake · 19/10/2022 22:07

Why the rush to move in together when it’s a ‘fairly new relationship’? It’s best to get to know each other properly, although you’ve known each other as friends it’s different knowing each other as friends than in a couple. And the cat is just another reason that it’s not practical at the moment.

LuckyLil · 19/10/2022 22:10

bighairbigdreams · 19/10/2022 21:53

I didn't explain that very well, it's not his cat, it's very much her cat and she would be heartbroken if he kept it, hence trying to do the right thing and saying he would look after it while she found some suitable accommodation.

Any tips on trying to acclimatise the cat and dog would be most welcome! My dog is a hunting breed and has a very strong prey drive so we haven't dare let them be in the same room together.

Then he turns up on her doorstep with the cat in a crate, gives it to HER to sort out, and leaves. Unless of course it's not just her keeping the situation like this to remain in contact...

FistFullOfRegrets · 19/10/2022 22:24

Why haven't you let her visit her cat or allowed her to look after it when you're away? Why do you hate her so much?

how long after they separated did you get together? How long have you been together?

what breed is your dog?

where are you planning on living? His/yours/somewhere new? Are they owned or rented? Just wondering if she couldn't rent wherever your planning on not living? As animals are permitted.

ManAboutTown · 19/10/2022 22:29

Maybe you can feed the cat to the dog or perhaps a one way trip to the vet.

I'm being flippant here of course - I think he has to say you either take the cat or I will find a proper home for it

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/10/2022 22:30

Define "fairly new"?

Imagine she will sort out a solution quickly if the the alternative is that the cat is shaken to death or worse.
Try not to burn your new relationship by being impatient about old ties. They could be significantly more complicated so your angst about a cat to be honest, sounds pretty controlling.

EndlessMagpies · 19/10/2022 22:31

I feel sorry for the poor cat.

AnApparitionQuipped · 19/10/2022 22:46

Who left whom? I ask to establish whether it's probable the cat is being used as you suggest, as a reason for contact.

Original poster
bighairbigdreams · 19/10/2022 22:48

I feel sorry for the poor cat too. I'm really fond of her.
We can work harder to try acclimatise them to live together, as I'd love to have the option of keeping her. But that would cause other issues with the ex, because as previous commenters have picked up on, I'm not sure if it's about the cat or the contact.
She hasn't visited the cat or looked after when we've been on holiday because first and foremost DP was worried about pandering to that level of contact, he also wasn't comfortable having her in the house when he wasn't there and in terms of visiting the cat is an outside cat so ex would literally have to sit and wait for the cat to come home to see her, so it wouldn't be practical and it would be v v awkward for all of us. I'm not really sure how she expected us to facilitate that.

OP posts:
Original poster
bighairbigdreams · 19/10/2022 22:51

@AnApparitionQuipped he ended the relationship. He's said in hindsight that's why he said he'd look after the cat short term, as he already felt guilty about the hurt he caused by the breakup and making her leave her home.
To the poster who asked why she couldn't rent the house the cat lives in if we move in together, she couldn't afford to, which is why she was the one to move out. That decision was completely amicable.

OP posts:
AnApparitionQuipped · 19/10/2022 22:56

bighairbigdreams · 19/10/2022 22:51

@AnApparitionQuipped he ended the relationship. He's said in hindsight that's why he said he'd look after the cat short term, as he already felt guilty about the hurt he caused by the breakup and making her leave her home.
To the poster who asked why she couldn't rent the house the cat lives in if we move in together, she couldn't afford to, which is why she was the one to move out. That decision was completely amicable.

While I don't doubt she loves the cat, I suspect being unable to house it is an excuse for continuing to see him.

Are there any other relatives (of hers) who could take the cat?

Catlover1970 · 19/10/2022 23:55

EndlessMagpies · 19/10/2022 22:31

I feel sorry for the poor cat.

Same ! I’d take it myself if I didn’t have my adored moggy already. Give the cat the respect he/she deserves!!!!

SideshowAuntSallly · 20/10/2022 05:25

The poor cat. Do not give him the ultimatum of picking and do not put the cat in a rescue. It's already had upheaval (lost one of its humans don't forget). He's the constant in its life right now. It is also his cat now (she left it and I expect doesn't pay anything towards its upkeep).

My cats are rescues and it took a long time for them to get over it. The people who work there do good but it is not the same as a loving home.

Why can't you get rid of your dog? That would be my response to you if you said that to me.

SimoneSimone · 20/10/2022 05:49

He is stuck with the cat regardless until his ex collects. If you both really wanted to, you could work something out. Give it some more time in your own spaces.