It's me or the cat?

[bighairbigdreams]

Hi, I'm looking for some helpful advice please. I'm in a fairly new relationship with a man who I have had a long-standing friendship with for a number of years.
I'm sure he is the one, and have no doubts about our relationship aside from this one issue.
DPs ex has a cat, and in a nutshell when they broke up it was always the understanding that she would take the cat, and she made it very clear that was what she wanted. However when it came to moving she chose somewhere unsuitable and as such she left the cat behind, on the proviso that she would find somewhere suitable for the cat as soon as she could. She was very upset about this at the time. Between then and now she has got upset on several occasions that he hasn't asked if she'd like to visit the cat, and that when we have been on holiday we haven't asked her to look after it and have made other arrangements.
I've always been concerned she was keeping the cat as a point of contact with him which I wasn't really bothered about because as soon as she moved that would be over and done with, and he has never pandered to any of her requests.
I have a dog, and during this time we have made arrangements to keep the animals separate when I stay over at his, and when he stays at mine he has to pop home to feed the cat, which is becoming a huge inconvenience. We're now at the point where we want to move in together and basically we can't until she takes the cat.
I know this is a "DP problem" and one he must sort out, but I'd really appreciate any advice as to how to keep everybody happy and resolve this.

He needs to tell the ex to take the cat or find somewhere else for it to be.

He cannot put his life on hold for someone else's pet.

If he won't tell her then he isn't serious about a relationship with you.

He needs to tell her she either needs to take the cat soon or he'll make lifestyle changes that accommodate the cat and keep it permanently.

Then once that's resolved he needs no more communication with her.

She may not have ‘chosen’ unsuitable accommodation for her cat but was forced to because pets aren’t always welcome by landlords and because of the break up she had to move quickly. He agreed to house the cat out of guilt not altruism. If you split with this guy after moving in with him, how easily do you think you could secure suitable accommodation at short notice?

I get it, you want the Ex out of the picture as soon as possible and the cat means that the link isn’t completely severed.

How new is your ‘fairly’ new relationship?

I would simply give her a deadline..."we've loved looking after Fluffy for you whilst you sort yourself out, but unfortunately it no longer works for us. You'll need to take her back by Christmas, otherwise we'll be making other suitable arrangements for her elsewhere."

Then stick to that deadline...with no extensions given...otherwise she'll take the piss and you'll be back to square one 🤷‍♀️

Just be direct! It's not difficult.

Ahem, if anyone would care to read the first paragraph of the OP, she has known this man for "a number of years" so presumably knows him pretty well, it's only recently their friendship has become a relationship. She's not just upping and moving in with some random bod she's known for 5 minutes.

I don't think OP sounds heartless, she's genuinely worried that if the cat comes to live with them her dog will take the first opportunity to do it in, because it's that sort of breed. I used to have cats and dogs that rubbed along ok, but you can't just mix any cat with any dog and expect happy results. However well they seem to get on you can't be sure they won't have A Moment when nobody's looking. If they rush this the cat may be killed, or it may stray and have a different unhappy ending. It's unreasonable of the ex to insist it is kept for her for an indefinite period, when it's not even practicable to visit. As for her having open access to the house to feed the cat while they're on holiday, well, it may work for some people, but thinking of my ex for example that would absolutely not be possible - or at least, shall we say, it would be deeply unwise. There's more than one reason for keeping an ex at arm's length.

Sorry, no solutions in the above. I can't see a short term answer that takes the needs of the pets and at least two of the humans into account. I'm assuming both animals are reasonably young and healthy so neither is likely to peg out soon in the normal way of things?

Same here, although we already have several furry lodgers as it is! They were supposed to be temporary, but best laid plans and all that, so it looks like they will be with us for a while yet.

@Anniegetyourgun you've hit the nail on the head! Thank you.

I'm not here for other people's advice or opinions on whether our relationship is progressing at what they consider to be an appropriate speed or not. We've had trial runs living together and are at a stage where we'd like to move in together and start a family, which is currently on hold as we are looking after someone else's cat despite this being a temporary arrangement initially.

I am absolutely against giving the cat to a shelter. We have asked friends and family and we have people who would jump at the chance to have the lovely cat BUT understandably they don't want to look after the cat, get attached then have to give the cat up if she ever gets her arse in gear and moves somewhere suitable, so it would very much be a permanent arrangement.

As for getting the cat and dog used to each other, I'm happy to do that if anyone has any helpful advice. But I'm very wary, as posters with experience have commented, we'd never be able to take our eyes of them for fear of them having a disagreement. I also feel it's worth saying that I've consciously put off trying to get them used to each other for fear of my dog frightening the cat and the cat running off and not coming home again, as this would also be heartbreaking for all involved and I've known this happen with a friend.

It seems like we should set a deadline for her to collect the cat, and if not we can arrange a permanent loving home for her with friends. I want to give her every opportunity to not be separated from her pet, and genuinely thought if she couldn't visit etc it would encourage her to make faster changes.

How long has your dp been looking after the cat? I don't rent but my assumption is that most rentals are a minimum 6 months agreement so could it be that at the end of her tenancy agreement where she is, she either finds somewhere suitable for the cat or the cat is rehomed (to friends/family)?

:-)

How old is the cat?

@Sunshineandflipflops that could be the case, but she hasn't communicated that if it is...
@KirstenBlest she's 9

@Catlover1970 @EndlessMagpies aww thank you

It's his cat now isn't it.

How long has your partner had the cat?

Update: we've found a lovely home for moggie with some friends, who already are familiar with her and have a lovely house in the countryside so it shouldn't be a big change.

Ex-GF has been given first refusal, but it seems she's been stringing along moving making me think we were all right and it wasn't really about the cat at all. I hope she collects the cat before she's rehomed but if not she'll have a lovely retirement in the country in a very loving home.