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Original poster

How to get trust back?

36 replies

Namechanged454 · 18/10/2022 14:03

My partner broke my trust back in June, he didn't cheat but there was a line crossed and it broke boundaries/trust. It doesn't even matter what happened really..but I asked him to leave, he did, then we reconciled. Our relationship is near perfect bar that one blip, we get on great, love each others company, laugh alot, have chemistry etc and from the outside we are that couple that make everyone sick 😂 because we openly really love each other. My issue is: I'm an overthinker. Always have been, probably always will be..it's just me. How do you gain back trust that's lost? It's not that he's doing anything day to day that makes me question him..it's my mind that keeps taking me back to what if it happens again etc? I don't want to lose him, but I know that if I keep being insecure I'm going to push him away. Anyone been in a similar boat, with only a minor trust issue that's played on their mind more than it should? I had a 10 year relationship before this one, he treated me like absolute crap and yet I was never this scared of being hurt! Baffles me.

OP posts:
ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 14:13

What did he do to break your trust? I think that's relevant to replies you might get

Caught messaging a woman with photos of his knob? Don't waste your time on rebuilding anything

Liked a few saucy Instagram pics? I'd let that go

Watchkeys · 18/10/2022 14:14

Once trust is broken, it's broken. Like a plate. It's never the same afterwards, however good a repair you do.

You're seeing this as your failure to fix what's happening in your mind, but everything in you is telling you not to forget what he did, because in your heart, it's not acceptable.

Respect this. Respect your heart. Listen to what it's telling you. You didn't before, for 10 years, and had 10 years of being treated badly. Don't repeat it. Learn to respect your heart, and you learn to respect yourself.

Watchkeys · 18/10/2022 14:15

Liked a few saucy Instagram pics? I'd let that go

But OP isn't letting it go. What other people would forgive/forget isn't relevant. OP needs to respect her own feelings, rather than copy what someone else would do in accordance with theirs.

ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 14:31

You misunderstand me

I'm not telling her to let anything go. I'm asking what the lack of trust is about

FlashdanceUK · 18/10/2022 14:40

Getting trust back is a bit like religious faith. You just have to throw yourself off the cliff and have faith that you won't fall. At the end of the day the only behaviour you can have any influence on is your own.

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 18/10/2022 14:43

I don't want to go into details, but he signed up to a website he shouldn't have. There were no messages or anything but he was 'bored' and 'curious' and basically just browsed it once. It's strange because it feels like I'm over what he did..it's the fear that he could do it again (or worse) and really hurt me. I was with my ex for years but looking back I don't think I was in love and had no fear of losing him, infact I used to wish he'd do something so I could leave. This time, I finally have something I'm terrified of losing. I know some people will say LTB but he's a really good guy and I do believe we all make mistakes - he's certainly apologetic and knows he was wrong on every level. I think maybe my brain won't let go because everything was okay when it happened, I could justify it more in my head if we had a really bad patch and he did it..but there was nothing. Just boredom/curiousity/self sabotage (his words). If he cheated, I'd walk 100% in my heart I know that..but it's not worth losing over browsing a website. That being said, how do I tell my brain that 😂 X

OP posts:
ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 14:58

Ah right. So he signed up to a dating website but didn't actually chat with anyone?

Only you can decide if it's worth forgiving him for. Most people would consider that a big breach of trust and 'I was bored' is a pathetic excuse

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 18/10/2022 14:59

( I should add boredom in general at the time, not boredom within the relationship)

OP posts:
ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 15:03

And was he 'browsing' or did he sign up?

You clearly want to forgive him and move on and that's fine for you to do so. But don't downplay the impact this has had on you. And I'd be very 'hmm' about tales of curiosity and self sabotage. Poor him

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 18/10/2022 15:04

ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 14:58

Ah right. So he signed up to a dating website but didn't actually chat with anyone?

Only you can decide if it's worth forgiving him for. Most people would consider that a big breach of trust and 'I was bored' is a pathetic excuse

Not dating as such, more a hookup. But the site has a news feed type feel for it...so it's like Facebook but instead of posting their dinner..they're posting their arse 😂 people post statuses and he was browsing them. I know when he was single he did just browse it, not using it to actually hook up so I do believe it was an old habit that lured him in..it's more the "people watching" curiosity as people might post what they've just done, porn style pictures on there. I'm not bothered about porn or anything, I even said if you wanted a nosey, get me involved! But doing it behind my back has just really hurt. He's devastated that I'm still hurting about it - we are really open with communication. He hates himself for the hurt he's caused me, and I know he genuinely regrets it..but it's just left me without that secure feeling of not being hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged454 · 18/10/2022 15:05

No, he signed up. You can't access anything at all without being a member. X

OP posts:
ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 15:09

It's a tough one and very very simply - he's destroyed your trust.

FlashdanceUK · 18/10/2022 15:09

Try and get some old style 'anonymous' porn rather than the modern stuff which is so tied up with hook-ups and OnlyFans and prossies.
You can watch that together and the acting makes it much more enjoyable rather than just watching people mechanically shag.

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 18/10/2022 15:23

FlashdanceUK · 18/10/2022 15:09

Try and get some old style 'anonymous' porn rather than the modern stuff which is so tied up with hook-ups and OnlyFans and prossies.
You can watch that together and the acting makes it much more enjoyable rather than just watching people mechanically shag.

We've watched stuff together before. I'm open to stuff like that, I've never imposed any kind of porn ban or anything. I don't even care about the content he might have seen while on there - it's nothing you can't see anywhere else these days. It's the fact that primarily, it's a hookup site...yes he didn't use it for that, but it's still a major boundary crossing. He could've just looked at porn, but I think the thing that lures men to these sites is how 'real' it is. Who knows though!

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/10/2022 15:24

FlashdanceUK · 18/10/2022 15:09

Try and get some old style 'anonymous' porn rather than the modern stuff which is so tied up with hook-ups and OnlyFans and prossies.
You can watch that together and the acting makes it much more enjoyable rather than just watching people mechanically shag.

Absolutely. Who among us has not been blown away by the thespian abilities of Wolf Hudson and Jemma Jameson? Forget boobs and bums, I'm in it for the plot twists.

ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 16:03

You know you Dan impose a porn ban, yes? You can have your own boundaries in place and tell him very clearly he's crossed them

I wouldn't be looking to come back from this, on balance. What happens next time he's a bit bored?

Choconut · 18/10/2022 16:06

Once the trust is gone what's the point? You're now always going to be wondering. It feels worse (I'd guess) because you're exes abuse was was more in your face, you knew what to expect almost. Here it's all sneaky and behind your back, you don't know what could be going on and that is infinitely worse.

Don't think that because he doesn't treat you like complete crap, like your ex did, that he must be a good guy. If this is happening early on in the relationship why would you put up with it, you should know that you deserve better.

Also what is wrong with a man that he gets bored and the thing he comes up with to do is to go on hook up sites to browse for fun what's out there? It's just grim OP, aim higher.

WizardOfUK · 18/10/2022 16:11

You will never get the trust back that you had, for me that's a one time deal you get when you start to see someone, that time when they've not broken your trust, once that's gone, it's gone.

You can get trust back, but you need to realise it will never be the same. There will never be that blind trust you once had in him, there will always be that little voice in your head that might question what he's telling you. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it means you won't have the wool pulled over your eyes. I see it more as a realistic trust in someone, trusting that they are being genuine, but you'll never take it for granted and you both need to realise that

CryingInTents · 18/10/2022 16:11

When most people are bored OP they do things like browse Mumsnet or Facebook, find a new hobby, go for a walk. People in committed and respectful relationships don’t sign up to hook up sites. I wouldn’t accept any excuses for this, and I bet he’ll do it again. That’s extremely disrespectful and yes he did know what he was doing.
Like PP said, raise your bar.

Notaboutthebass · 18/10/2022 17:32

Be a deal breaker for me. Sorry.

RebelliousStarrChild · 18/10/2022 17:53

So he did this when everything was good and you're both so in love with each other? What will he be like when things actually get hard or day to day life sets in?
If you want to make it work I don't think it's your job to figure out how to trust him again, it's up to him to prove he can be trusted.
How old are you both?

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 18/10/2022 19:26

You've been fed a load of bullshit and clearly believe it, or at least you want to.

He signed up to a hook up site. Doesn't matter why, although being "bored" or "curious" are pretty standard shit excuses.

When I'm bored, i may do many things but sign up to a hook up site? not likely.

He actively CHOSE to sign up. No need....plenty of free porn available online.

You are having trouble reconciling this in your head because he is talking shit. He's broken your trust in a huge way and for me, it would be game over.

TwilightSkies · 18/10/2022 19:33

How did you find out?

Bedazzled22 · 18/10/2022 20:16

My DP has done this I was devastated, he was sorry, however that didn’t stop him doing it again. I hope this doesn’t happen to you. Only you will know if he is truly remorseful…

NoodleSoup12 · 18/10/2022 21:48

OP, I think what bothers you about this is that he did it with a “straight face” meaning — he wasn’t upset, he didn’t seem sneaky, you were really surprised by it. And so now you look at his straight face — his smiling face, his kind face — and wonder if you can’t see what’s behind it.