How to get trust back?

[Namechanged454]

My partner broke my trust back in June, he didn't cheat but there was a line crossed and it broke boundaries/trust. It doesn't even matter what happened really..but I asked him to leave, he did, then we reconciled. Our relationship is near perfect bar that one blip, we get on great, love each others company, laugh alot, have chemistry etc and from the outside we are that couple that make everyone sick 😂 because we openly really love each other. My issue is: I'm an overthinker. Always have been, probably always will be..it's just me. How do you gain back trust that's lost? It's not that he's doing anything day to day that makes me question him..it's my mind that keeps taking me back to what if it happens again etc? I don't want to lose him, but I know that if I keep being insecure I'm going to push him away. Anyone been in a similar boat, with only a minor trust issue that's played on their mind more than it should? I had a 10 year relationship before this one, he treated me like absolute crap and yet I was never this scared of being hurt! Baffles me.

He did not do it by accident, he did it on purpose not because he is nosy but because he fancied doing it. He will do it again. This would be a no no for me.

Hearing that he was bored sexually must be a knife through the heart op.

I think you can do better.

If you’ve decided to stay with him you need to let it go. He seems sorry. Would be a dealbreaker for me I think too - sorry

To me, it doesn't matter what he did to break your trust.

Once someone has shown that they don't respect you and that they are not 'safe' for you, whatever their action might have been, the trust is gone.

That is why you are feeling the way you do. The problem is that all the other stuff is there but, without trust and as you are discovering, it's all just window dressing.

And, for context, my ex husband did something very similar. I ended the marriage over it.

Faith mean is blind trust. If there are reasons not to trust him then I’m not sure how you would get it back. It maybe worth trying to unravel it with a counsellor.

Why are you doing the work to get the trust back?
What's he doing to get your trust back?

FWIW any man using porn knows that women are being harmed, so that for me would be a deal breaker. It's that attitude of it's ok cos it's not women I know being harmed, I'd never allow a woman in my life to do it but those women, they dont matter. But that's me.

OP...how did you find out? Did he tell you or did you discover it? I think that's an important detail.

If you are really committed to the relationship and want to rebuild your trust then I think you'll need the help of a counsellor. A good relationship counsellor may be able to help you get past this.

To be honest I don't think this is the end of the world. Sounds just like Facebook porn and he was being nosy. Perhaps. Yes it was a hook up site but actually hooking up doesn't sound essential.

Saying this you can look a bit deeper into his motivations which is what would bother me and it would take many getting drunk around the kitchen table heart to heart conversations before any conclusion was decided. Things like did he have any inclination of hooking up? What is the male chat like? Is it towards the incel just use the fanny for your gratification type of thing? Does he think of women as meat? Or is he starting to?

Or is this more about you OP? You say you have a relationship others are jealous of, are you subconsciously aware that your open loving relationship is a bit false now? That he has shattered your perfect?

They say don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. So perhaps start from there. Accept your relationship right now, and perhaps from now on, will always be "just good" no longer perfect.

One way or another you have to resolve this or go mad.

@WizardOfUK that’s a great response. Many people internally give themselves a hard time because they choose to forgive someone for betrayal/break of trust as though you are weak or inviting someone to treat you like s%#t. I chose to forgive but what you have said articulates how I feel which I haven’t been able to do before.

Hopefully it helps you OP

I'm in the same place. You can't. You can choose to live with the uncertainty that comes from them showing you what they are capable of, or move on. Those are your only options.

I asked my wife, how do i know you won't do this again, and in the end I said, you cant know. How can you know how you will feel in a year. All we know is you are CAPABLE of feeling that you want to do this