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Original poster

Confused about state of my marriage

48 replies

OptimisticAmnesiac · 18/10/2022 13:16

Hi,

I've been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 12. We're both mid/late 30's.

I've been increasingly unhappy for the the past 3-4 years, at first I didn't really realise it was the relationship I was unhappy with - but over the past 18 months it's really solidified in my mind this is why I'm unhappy.

About a year or so after we married, we stopped having sex. We've never been super active in the bedroom, so it wasn't a problem at first. Initially it was a mix of life getting in the way and any suggestions for hanky panky were rebuffed, but at the time we still had a pretty good relationship. We'd still kiss and cuddle, as well as be playful with one another etc. Over time this deteriorated to the point that me asking for a cuddle on the sofa, or moving in for a kiss would be rejected or ignored. Even to the point of her physically turning away from me to avoid it. During this time, we'd still do things tougher, go our for dinner, have weekends away etc. But it was very 'cold'. I didn't realise it at the time, but this was eating away at me and along with some physical health issues resulted in me having a breakdown about a year ago - during this time I didn't really feel particularly well supported (I was crying on the floor in another room, she was on her phone in bed ignoring me...).

Long story short, I ended up in therapy and starting to piece myself back together. By the time I'd got my head straight and was ready, I sat her down and explained some the reasons I was unhappy, and that I'd felt neglected etc. We talked, admitted we can both do better in the relationship and would try to get us back on track. This was shortly after Christmas this year.

Initially, it was a little better. The air was a bit clearer, and I didn't feel quite as neglected. We started to have sex again (she initiated, which is unlike her), but it felt very forced and left me with such a feeling of shame afterward. We have continued to go on dates (meals out, days out) and have been away on holiday over the summer but I still don't really get any affection from her. If I'm honest it's gotten to the point now where I'm not sure if I'm even attracted to her anymore, and when we spend time together I feel myself pulling back from taking the initiative. And I'm not just talking about sex, just in general - there are some times when I'd like a hug or to cuddle in bed but I hold myself back because I want it to be mutual and it doesn't feel like it. I can't see past this 'fog' of unhappiness and it's really gotten me to question the relationship from every angle.
I know we need help, and need to do something but I feel a bit paralysed to do anything. One of the things that came out of therapy which I'd never realised, is my tendency to be a people pleaser in a relationship. I've done so much to give her what she wants but I'm not sure if I was really making myself happy in the progress or just doing it because it was making her happy?

I don't really know where to go from here, I want to say something but I don't know how. It's become such the norm to put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine, but I'm not sure how much more I can do and I don't want bring it up out of the blue so that she immediately gets defensive. I don't think this is her fault, we both have a part to play but I do think my feelings are valid from my own perspective.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

OP posts:
Cheminaufaules · 18/10/2022 13:25

How sure are you that you are interpreting her behaviour correctly? The physical manifestation of the feeling of affection can vary enormously. For some people, it drives them to be playful with their partner, tickling etc. For others, they may give loving embraces with lingering eye contact. And for some people, it does not manifest as physical movement towards the other person, but it will show in other ways. How is she generally in conversation? Does she ask you how you are feeling, how your day has been, etc.? Does she know about you, know your likes and dislikes, engage in discussion with you, listen to your opinions and moans and generally support you?

Cheminaufaules · 18/10/2022 13:27

I would also like to know why you think you are no longer attracted to her.

Also, how much is your reticence related to a fear of rejection?

lbzbean · 18/10/2022 13:32

Sorry to hear about your issues but you are really in the wrong place to get good advice on this.

ArcticSkewer · 18/10/2022 13:38

Do you have children?

If not, I would say you should just split up. Life is too short for all this unhappiness.

You may find that you are happier single. You may find that your unhappiness came from within after all. Either way, you can rebuild and start afresh.

Perhaps this cycle of your life has come to an end and it's time for you both to move on. Without children to consider, what is stopping you?

Hallmark1234 · 18/10/2022 13:42

I'm another that thinks you should split up. It sounds like your DW doesn't feel she needs to make any effort, despite knowing how upset you've been.

She can't force the feelings for you, if she's lost them, so she may be just doing the bare minimum because the life you have suits her.

As hard as it is I would really consider this. You are still young and deserve someone that makes you happy. She will be out there.

Dweetfidilove · 18/10/2022 13:47

You've gone to therapy, expressed your feelings, you say you've both tried to find a way back and nothing.

Time to go your separate ways I'd say. You deserve to be happy, and despite taking all the 'rekindling steps', things still feel cold and forced. No-one wants to feel awkward asking for sex from a partner, and you certainly shouldn't be having sex that leaves you feeling ashamed.

Original poster
OptimisticAmnesiac · 18/10/2022 13:54

Cheminaufaules · 18/10/2022 13:25

How sure are you that you are interpreting her behaviour correctly? The physical manifestation of the feeling of affection can vary enormously. For some people, it drives them to be playful with their partner, tickling etc. For others, they may give loving embraces with lingering eye contact. And for some people, it does not manifest as physical movement towards the other person, but it will show in other ways. How is she generally in conversation? Does she ask you how you are feeling, how your day has been, etc.? Does she know about you, know your likes and dislikes, engage in discussion with you, listen to your opinions and moans and generally support you?

To talk to you'd think there was nothing wrong. I'm quite a closed off person, so I won't always open up about something. For instance I wouldn't start a conversation about how rubbish my day has been or how stressed I am by something. But in turn she doesn't really ask much, but generally takes an interest. I do feel when there's something going on that she's aware of, she proactively ask about it. For example, when I had my 'breakdown' last year, and was off work for a few months. She didn't really ask how I'm doing or check in with me, and would wait for me to say something. But this is communication problem for both of us, not her fault. Even though it does feel like she's not interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
OptimisticAmnesiac · 18/10/2022 13:58

Cheminaufaules · 18/10/2022 13:27

I would also like to know why you think you are no longer attracted to her.

Also, how much is your reticence related to a fear of rejection?

I feel horrible to say this, but I look at her and just don't feel attracted to her. She hasn't really changed, it's not like she's changed in some way or has put on weight or something like that. How much of it is because of a fear of rejection and it's tainting the way I see her? I honestly don't know.

OP posts:
Dery · 18/10/2022 13:58

“You've gone to therapy, expressed your feelings, you say you've both tried to find a way back and nothing.

Time to go your separate ways I'd say. You deserve to be happy, and despite taking all the 'rekindling steps', things still feel cold and forced. No-one wants to feel awkward asking for sex from a partner, and you certainly shouldn't be having sex that leaves you feeling ashamed.”

This. It sounds like your relationship ran its course some years ago. You’ve tried to fix it. You’re allowed to move on.

Watchkeys · 18/10/2022 13:59

She's shown you that if she does emotionally support you, it's not in a way that you recognise. That's enough to spoil a relationship, including sex.

Is it not that simple? Looks like you're trying to wriggle into a way to make it more complicated, for fear of simply admitting she's turned you off.

Original poster
OptimisticAmnesiac · 18/10/2022 14:02

Watchkeys · 18/10/2022 13:59

She's shown you that if she does emotionally support you, it's not in a way that you recognise. That's enough to spoil a relationship, including sex.

Is it not that simple? Looks like you're trying to wriggle into a way to make it more complicated, for fear of simply admitting she's turned you off.

I have started to see it that way, but I just a) feel bad it's gotten to this point and b) don't really know what to do next. I don't even know how to initiate this conversation

OP posts:
Cheminaufaules · 18/10/2022 14:04

What attracted you to her in the first place OP?

Watchkeys · 18/10/2022 14:05

How about 'I need to be with someone who supports me in a way that I understand, so I'm leaving you'?

ArcticSkewer · 18/10/2022 14:05

Why don't you know what to do next?

Why do you seem to believe that you have to stay?

Baffled.

Don't blame others for your own cowardice, could be one take, here

Cheminaufaules · 18/10/2022 14:09

It's really interesting that you raise the issue of whether something is 'tainting' the way you see her OP.
This can happen under the radar without us being aware of it but you seem to have a sense that this might be what's going on.
It can be something inside us (e.g. our own depression) or it can be something exterior which has influenced us (e.g. spending time with someone else who we then compare our partners to).
It could, of course, be her change in behaviour. Has she changed her behaviour to be in line with her perception of yours? It's a spiral, if you're both people pleasers.

Musti · 18/10/2022 14:10

You’ve not been happy in your relationship for nearly a decade. I don’t see much point in continuing. Split up and find someone you’re compatible with

NotLactoseFree · 18/10/2022 14:14

You don't have children? In which case, it seems to me you've done your best. You've gone to therapy etc and for whatever reason, things just aren't getting better. She might have a long list of things she's unhappy about or she might just be cold and unloving. I don't know. Whether that' your fault or hers is irrelevant at this point and I'd say it's time to split. You're both still relatively young and there's no reason why you can't go on and find better relationships if that's what you want.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2022 14:18

As a last ditch effort I would be as clear about this situation as possible, tell her exactly how you're feeling, that you're feeling like maybe you think the relationship has run it course and ask her what she thinks?

MrMrsJones · 18/10/2022 14:27

I think the marriage is done, you've tried, she hasn't.

Time to go your separate ways and live a happy fulfilling life.

JestersTear · 18/10/2022 14:30

You mentioned that you're a people-pleaser in relationships. I think now is the time to get selfish. Think about yourself. You need what you're not getting, and it's making you ill. If only for your own mental health, you need to give serious thought to separating.

Original poster
OptimisticAmnesiac · 18/10/2022 14:31

Cheminaufaules · 18/10/2022 14:09

It's really interesting that you raise the issue of whether something is 'tainting' the way you see her OP.
This can happen under the radar without us being aware of it but you seem to have a sense that this might be what's going on.
It can be something inside us (e.g. our own depression) or it can be something exterior which has influenced us (e.g. spending time with someone else who we then compare our partners to).
It could, of course, be her change in behaviour. Has she changed her behaviour to be in line with her perception of yours? It's a spiral, if you're both people pleasers.

This is it, I didn't go to therapy thinking the problem was our relationship - but there was clearly something not right for it to surface in therapy. One of things I've been working with my therapist about is the sort of chicken and egg problem - was I depressed first which caused me to be unhappy in the relationship or the other way around?

OP posts:
FlashdanceUK · 18/10/2022 14:38

Don't know why some posters are saying to effectively LTB when the OP's clearly trying to analyse WTH is going on!
OP sorry to hear about your depression and need for therapy. It must be very confusing for you. You need to open up and talk to her. Lay your cards on the table and tell her how you feel and what you need.
She might even be depressed without realising it.

Original poster
OptimisticAmnesiac · 18/10/2022 14:40

JestersTear · 18/10/2022 14:30

You mentioned that you're a people-pleaser in relationships. I think now is the time to get selfish. Think about yourself. You need what you're not getting, and it's making you ill. If only for your own mental health, you need to give serious thought to separating.

This is something that's been mentioned with my therapist. Not specifically in the context of my relationship, but more in general - making decisions that make me happy and trying to do things for my own sake. It feels like doing this has started me to drift further away, and make these problems more obvious...

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 18/10/2022 14:44

FlashdanceUK · 18/10/2022 14:38

Don't know why some posters are saying to effectively LTB when the OP's clearly trying to analyse WTH is going on!
OP sorry to hear about your depression and need for therapy. It must be very confusing for you. You need to open up and talk to her. Lay your cards on the table and tell her how you feel and what you need.
She might even be depressed without realising it.

Because OP has made it clear that there's lots of issues, that they have both tried to work through the issues, and that nothing has changed. Meanwhile, he is unhappy. She may well ALSO be unhappy.

I wouldn't call it LTB posts so much as "call it quits, you've all done your best" posts.

JestersTear · 18/10/2022 14:50

OptimisticAmnesiac · 18/10/2022 14:40

This is something that's been mentioned with my therapist. Not specifically in the context of my relationship, but more in general - making decisions that make me happy and trying to do things for my own sake. It feels like doing this has started me to drift further away, and make these problems more obvious...

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I feel you need to be brave and have a serious, everyone being honest, conversation her. And soon.

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