Confused about state of my marriage

[OptimisticAmnesiac]

Hi,

I've been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 12. We're both mid/late 30's.

I've been increasingly unhappy for the the past 3-4 years, at first I didn't really realise it was the relationship I was unhappy with - but over the past 18 months it's really solidified in my mind this is why I'm unhappy.

About a year or so after we married, we stopped having sex. We've never been super active in the bedroom, so it wasn't a problem at first. Initially it was a mix of life getting in the way and any suggestions for hanky panky were rebuffed, but at the time we still had a pretty good relationship. We'd still kiss and cuddle, as well as be playful with one another etc. Over time this deteriorated to the point that me asking for a cuddle on the sofa, or moving in for a kiss would be rejected or ignored. Even to the point of her physically turning away from me to avoid it. During this time, we'd still do things tougher, go our for dinner, have weekends away etc. But it was very 'cold'. I didn't realise it at the time, but this was eating away at me and along with some physical health issues resulted in me having a breakdown about a year ago - during this time I didn't really feel particularly well supported (I was crying on the floor in another room, she was on her phone in bed ignoring me...).

Long story short, I ended up in therapy and starting to piece myself back together. By the time I'd got my head straight and was ready, I sat her down and explained some the reasons I was unhappy, and that I'd felt neglected etc. We talked, admitted we can both do better in the relationship and would try to get us back on track. This was shortly after Christmas this year.

Initially, it was a little better. The air was a bit clearer, and I didn't feel quite as neglected. We started to have sex again (she initiated, which is unlike her), but it felt very forced and left me with such a feeling of shame afterward. We have continued to go on dates (meals out, days out) and have been away on holiday over the summer but I still don't really get any affection from her. If I'm honest it's gotten to the point now where I'm not sure if I'm even attracted to her anymore, and when we spend time together I feel myself pulling back from taking the initiative. And I'm not just talking about sex, just in general - there are some times when I'd like a hug or to cuddle in bed but I hold myself back because I want it to be mutual and it doesn't feel like it. I can't see past this 'fog' of unhappiness and it's really gotten me to question the relationship from every angle.
I know we need help, and need to do something but I feel a bit paralysed to do anything. One of the things that came out of therapy which I'd never realised, is my tendency to be a people pleaser in a relationship. I've done so much to give her what she wants but I'm not sure if I was really making myself happy in the progress or just doing it because it was making her happy?

I don't really know where to go from here, I want to say something but I don't know how. It's become such the norm to put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine, but I'm not sure how much more I can do and I don't want bring it up out of the blue so that she immediately gets defensive. I don't think this is her fault, we both have a part to play but I do think my feelings are valid from my own perspective.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

I didn't read it as 'lots of issues'. The worst is the bit about OP being ignored while she's on her phone in bed. But we don't know the exact details of this. OP admits to being a bit too closed off. My OH complains about his day at the drop of a hat, without any prompting. I then listen and let him vent and then he feels better.
OP doesn't offer this information to their OH so I wouldn't blame his OH for not being supportive because she has nothing to be supportive of! (No criticism OP, just saying that's the way I see it).

No I think that's fair, it's not the only problem through. Communication is a two way street, and I'll hold me hand up to be too closed off at times. But we've also been together a long time, and she doesn't seem to get me at all sometimes.

There have been times when I've clearly stated 'I need attention' in some capacity and have been told 'not now'. That's the bit that really stings, which I think is part of the reason why I'm so reluctant to make the move myself.

They've been through all that. They don't have kids. They are both young. Why bother with the whole 'flogging a dead horse' thing?

Op may well find he is no happier without her. She may be happier without him (living with a partner with depression is tough). Who knows? But at least it's something different and op will be able to address his issues openly and without trying to get support from someone who is not able to provide it in the way he is looking for.

It's hardly 'flogging a dead horse' @ArcticSkewer because if it was a dead horse, OP wouldn't even be here. All the time there's some doubt in OP's mind I wouldn't give the LTB advice. There's so many reasons why she might be saying 'not now'. OP needs to ask her why.

I would just get out. You're not compatible and she doesn't give you what you need from a relationship. Do you have low self esteem generally/did one if your caregivers as a child starve you of attention?

Low self esteem? Yeah probably that's about right.

The question is, if you're not attracted to her, are you attracted to anyone else OP?!

Well, not anybody in particular but I do find other people attractive in ‘that way’. It’s not like I’m not like I don’t find the thought of other people attractive and have no libido, I just don’t seem to have those feelings towards my wife anymore.

Some people just find it hard to let go. It doesn't mean there's anything worth holding onto.
What, here, suggests a relationship worth salvaging? Unless you subscribe to the 'sunk costs' fallacy.

This ^

End your marriage. It’s not working.

Sounds like she's fallen out of love with you.

If I were you, I'd actually ask her and then act accordingly and leave, if she says she has.

Agreed. Just the fact that you were crying in one room and she was on her phone in another is enough to show there's no love left in this marriage. God bless you for trying to understand it, but get out and find happiness elsewhere. This is dead in the water.

What does she feel or think about it all because you don't really say.
It sound as if she tried at Christmas and initiate things and you were the one who pulled back.
I think you just need to accept that this relationship is not working and try to work out what it is you do want.

Not quite, for a month or so after us having a chat - she was making more of an effort and I was reciprocating. But it didn’t last much longer, things quickly slipped back to where they were. After a while I stopped making the effort as it was feeling one sided. Somewhere was where I’d felt like the attraction had gone. Hope that makes sense.

We haven’t spoke about this in a little while, so I’m not exactly sure how she feels. I suspect she is aware things aren’t great, but I think she’s in denial about it.

I’m pretty sure if challenged she’d say she’s still in love with me, or thinks she is.

I’m pretty sure if challenged she’d say she’s still in love with me, or thinks she is.

I'm so sorry OP, you have to separate words from actions

Do you feel that you want her to initiate to make you feel attractive and desirable?
Perhaps she perceives this as neediness and doesn't find it attractive, instead find it a turn off?

At some point in time yes this may have been part of it. Right now, I don’t want her to initiate any kind of intimacy as I think I’d struggle to reciprocate and it would feel like I’m forcing myself.

You don't want her to initiate any kind of intimacy and you'd struggle to reciprocate? It must be bad!

It sounds like a viscous circle of terrible communication and defensiveness/ self preservation on both sides.

People pleasing has nothing to do with the person you are trying to please and everything to do with how you feel about yourself and how you fit in and is just another example of poor communication. In your posts you clearly think ‘she’s’ the problem and you the victim. Has it ever occurred to you that you may have contributed to the poor state of your relationship?

I think you need couples counselling, maybe your marriage is over and you should go your separate ways or both of you have to learn how to communicate with each other better. Waiting for the other person to be different is very passive and passivity isn’t the attitude to change the status quo.

Hi, thanks for this. I agree, a lot of this is on my part and I'm not trying to shy away from this. I guess it easy to look toward the other person when you feel a certain way.

Having read a few threads on here over the past few days, I saw quite a lot of mention of the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" which I've started reading. It does put lots of things in perspectives, and makes me re-think my role in some of the problems I perceive.

What has that book put into perspective for you, @OptimisticAmnesiac ?
It makes me curious about your wife's perspective. Have you asked her?

A few things, mainly around my role in all this and "Am I the problem?" type things.

I haven't brought any of this up yet, I know I need to but am currently burying my head in the sand waiting for something to happen and it to come out.

You've got to take your head out of the sand OP! You can't wait for something to happen as you're just wasting time. Do something now! You or she could be hit by a bus tomorrow!