Cheating and betrayal

[Tina555]

I really need some help, I’m 35 years old and my partner of 5 years which I planned a life with has recently “needed space” which has resulted in him leaving me and finding out myself that our holiday in January has had the names swapped to another girl the day after he wanted to leave me.

Im broken…we have a house together with two dogs. Im currently living in this house, while he is at his mums and he wants to sell the house straight away. He seems like a robot with no emotion, no sympathy about what he has done to me, this isn’t the man I’ve loved for 5 years. I’ve got no where to live especially with a dog, my whole life plan is in shatters. We were fine before he left, he told me he loved me everyday so this has come out of no where.

He’s clearly going to move on with this other girl he cheated on me with and I’m left picking up the pieces of my life. I’m 35 and we were planning on having children next year so I’m also worried about my age, meeting someone and not being able to have children.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

So sorry @T@Tina555

This sounds like major heartbreak and is painful.

Know that you will get over him and have had a lucky escape. Who does that to someone?

I recommend reading I Can Mend Your Broken Heart by Paul McKenna in the short term.

Grieve and be kind to yourself. Stay well and keep busy. You will love again and this guy has missed out. In the darkest of times comes light

Something similar happened to me. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me and the shock was traumatic. Give yourself 5 months to grieve and heal and get over the shock.

I went on to meet the love of my life with renewed perspective. The fact that he did this to you so callously will help as you can know he wasn’t to be.

This is very painful.

He will be robotic because he knows what he did and you are making him feel bad.

This was a blessing, and you don’t even know it. You could be pregnant or with many children and he’d do this. At least you don’t have children and can make a better break and can date without hassle when you’re ready.

He is not the only man with baby making ingredients and it would have hurt your children deeply if he did this to them.

You have been blessed. You can do this.

It is unattractive to be dependent on someone, so I want you to rise up to accept your true value. You don’t need him, he’s trash. He doesn’t get to make you feel bad about yourself, he only gets to show what true clumpy kitty litter he is. So clumpy!

It is hard. I am so sorry. But you’ll see.

my sister’s fiancée cheated n her after they bought a place together and had animals all,that. She was devastated. She thought he was the one. Two years later she met the real one and have two wonderful children and an amazing life!

this cheater had the gall to try to contact her to say sorry or whatever. Blocked. And deleted. He is nothing, and means even less now.

Yes @JustKittenAround

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP.

Just be glad that you aren't married to him and that you haven't got any children with him.

Firstly you need to address the practical stuff, so see a solicitor to see what your entitlements are (you don't say if the house is in joint names?) and start looking at property. Work out what you can afford, do some budgeting.

Or could you afford to buy him out?

Start having a good clear out of all the items that you really don't need ready for your new life. It's very sad to have to do this but it's also very therapeutic.

It's hard to do these things when your heart is breaking but it does take your mind off the situation, if only for half an hour at a time.

The dogs will be a great comfort to you. Taking them for long walks will be helpful.

Good luck and stay strong x

I’m really sorry that this has happened to you, and it’s natural for you to feel heartbroken.

But, if it’s any consolation it is highly likely that he will repeat the same pattern of behaviour on the ‘new’ woman. She will end up being treated the same. Honestly, I’ve seen it happen over and over.

You’ve come out the other side and there really is a better future.

My sister was SO DOWN and it was like she had to bury her own old life…. But it was just expectations and lies that weren’t real that she buried.

I wish I could send all women this message because so many don’t see the blessing they’ve been given. The soon this blessing of a bad man leaving your life is fully received the faster you’ll be forging a better future.

This man OP is dealing with right now is straight up thinking he’s the prize. I’m hoping OP can give him the schooling my sister gave her ex fiancé.

bonus story, she gave me one of the Diamond rings he gave her, (just a band with diamonds around it, nothing too crazy) and I’d wear it for fun. One day I looked down and it had fallen off somewhere on a hike….. never put even one foot toward the intention of finding it. I like to think someone found it and it was put to loving use.

I'm so sorry you have had this heartbreaking thing happen. I know from experience it hits you in the stomach and I was in bits for weeks. I had a dog too and she saved me, having to get up to feed her, walk her, she sat with me when I cried. OP I'm telling you, you WILL come through this heartbreaking situation, we/I have done, it's shit andand it hurts, but it DOES get better, please believe me and everyone that says it gets better, trust us.

It gets better by blocking him. Don't listen to any gaslighting. Have your loved ones around you. Look after your dogs. Look after yourself, know you are bloody brilliant!! You are worth so much more ❤️

truth.

I wish I could even be fake about this type of stuff. But 100% of the time women rise up higher and better after these heartbreaks. Better lives, better partners, better bodies even!

OP once you accept and receive your true high value, you will see that this man needs to be cut off from any communication from you. That even if you could convince him to come back to you, that you’d actually not really want him.

he’s sullied himself. No longer is he a cute clean pig, he’s now a big ole hod slapping about in mud and feces.

ewwwwwwwww

You wouldn’t ever want him back now… also his faults…. Betcha know some….
get mad!!!

Ill say this. Stop communicating with him, stop asking why, stop hoping for anything from him. Act distant and cold. Don’t message him and you leave him guessing. He has no rights to access you now. You are sacred ground and he is filthy.

He thinks he has you figured out, I hope you have the brains and strength to show him how he messed around and found out. He thought he had you begging, but what if you just shut down. Robot power off?

He is no longer your friend. He cheated. Ice him out for your own sanity, and take what is yours. There is a reason he had you in the background…. You are the stable and safe loving person so many are looking for.

He will message you one day after seeing a happy pic of you with your family… children shining bright… you’ll block and delete. You won’t even read the full thing.

Exactly the same happened to me OP but we had been married 15 years. He is now with OW but isn’t happy. Strangely he also changed a holiday we had together into her name thinking I wouldn’t find out.

It’s tough but you will come out the other side. I’m six months in and already finding my feet and embracing the single life. We had no children either and finances are currently being handled by my lawyer.

Start your own life and live well. That is the best revenge. It won’t work between them.

Thank you for your advice it’s helping, we do own this house 50/50 I’m going to have to live here with the memories until I sort my living situation out. Nothing makes sense, this woman must be ultra amazing for him to change like this.

He's trying to rush the house selling situation and gaslight me when I don’t respond to his guilty/ self pity texts, I’ve now blocked him to give myself some headspace and I’ve booked myself in for therapy.

I only found out about the cheating yesterday so it is ultra fresh. Do you think at 35 it’s possible to meet a new love of your life and still have a family later on?

I'm very conscience that he was ruined this for me too.

Do you think at 35 it’s possible to meet a new love of your life and still have a family later on?

Absolutely.

@Tina555 Do you think at 35 it’s possible to meet a new love of your life and still have a family later on?

Yes I do, my husband died early 30s & now at 37 I’m pregnant & with someone new I love. Not what I planned but just as happy. 🙂

I am sorry you are in this situation, one I have been in at exactly the same age and it was heartbreaking. My ex-husband was also like a robot - it was like the real person I knew had gone and someone else was there in his place.

Do try not to engage with him and know that that only makes him feel better but it will not do you any good at all (that was a mistake I made). I thought I’d never get over end of my marriage. Part of me didn’t want to get over it. But I did!

I would also second the Paul McKenna book recommendation. I found it really helpful.

It’s NOT too late re children. I was 35 when my ex-husband dumped me and I had a baby at 38. So know that there is hope.

Be kind to yourself, exercise, take comfort in friends and do things that make you feel good. This too will pass.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. As others have said you will come out of this happier and stronger. It takes time!!! I've just had similar happen to me 6 months ago but at 42 and after 8 years together I was devastated but also kept my dignity and head held high. I'm about to start IVF and am using a sperm donor as don't want to wait for a suitable partner.
Honestly blocking him was the best advice I was given. Regardless of what you have together (house) no contact is the way forward. Forget what you think they have together give it time and it'll all crash down for them. It always does and when he gets in touch with you, you won't even care what he has to say because you will have moved on. Believe me I have and I didn't think I could!!!!

What a traumatic thing to happen @Tina555 I am sorry.
What on earth do you think has happened? Do you know who this other woman is?

I’ve spoken to the other girl, he has been cheating on me since August and it looks like they are serious about each other. I need to get my life back on track asap

Good data @Tina555.

It is not your fault.

They are maybe 10 weeks in to their lust fest. You were living with him, committed to him and loving him. This is not your fault. Leave them to it, they deserve each other.

We have to give him some credit that he ended the relationship with you. It must feel like rejection and sting but he doesn’t deserve your love and loyalty. He has had his head turned and acted upon it. That is low. Did the OW know he was in a relationship? It doesn’t really matter, let him go, advocate for yourself and the dogs and the house.

Sending hugs and support x

He's shown you what he is really like OP and it's not what you thought otherwise you would not be with him now thinking of the future.

She is no better since they must have planned this together.
They deserve one another and will always know what they did, sneaking around and ultimately hurting you.
I think you need to get angry and you will. Only then will you know how to deal with this waste of space.
Good luck. You are young and will come out of this stronger and wiser.

I'm so sorry. Of course you can go on to meet someone. My marriage ended when I was 35. I'm now 41, engaged to someone else and we have a 3 month old baby. I also have a friend my age whose fiancé broke up with her when she was in her mid 30s weeks before their wedding, he was on about needing space and whatever but he was cheating on her. She married someone else and has a 3 year old child.

this woman must be ultra amazing for him to change like this.

But he hasn’t changed - he’s always been like this but you haven’t seen this side of him before. It’s not anything to do with her or you.

Yes @Xaviera.

Don’t let him rush the house sale. Get independent advice about whether it’s a good time to sell — not from estate agents, who always want you to sell. You don’t want to have to take a low price just to suit him. Take a lodger to help you with the mortgage if necessary.
Good luck, OP.

Similar thing happened to me. Well done for blocking him. You know the truth now from his new woman so no need to contact her again so I would block her now too. You are in control of your life now. Do not rush into putting the house on the market until you are ready to do this. It is a highly traumatic time you will be going through and you have sensibly booked therapy. I cannot even begin to tell you how my therapist saved me when I went through similar. Now, gather all your clan, your friends and lean on them as you will need them for support. x