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Original poster

Break up before in deeper, or keep going?

32 replies

Marty993 · 18/10/2022 00:08

Hi Mumsnet,

I need opinions on what to do with my situation with newish DP, as I can't think straight anymore. My judgement is too clouded!

We are both 29 years old and have been together for 9 months, so it's still early days. We're a great match in many ways, and he is very caring and loving. It's the healthiest relationship I've been in and I love him. We live in the city I was born in, and he is from another country but has lived in this country for the majority of his life.

When we got together he did mention some vague ideas about potentially moving abroad to work at the end of his training year in August next year. He is a medic, so think Aus/Canada/New Zealand. He said it was something he's thought about since young, but was never certain what he wanted to do, it just seemed like one option out of many. Well now he seems more sure that he is going to move. I can't blame him, I know working for the NHS now is very difficult for junior doctors at the moment and there is lots of advantages to living abroad.

He's not pressuring me to go at all, agrees it is too early to formally "ask me", and wants to keep our relationship going and see what happens. I need to decide what I want to do though.

I am really struggling with this. I don't think we have been together long enough yet to know if it's going to work. I don't want to follow him to a different country if I am not sure. I want to be together and to have a life together, but I dont want to end up unhappy by moving away from the lovely life I've built here. I am scared of resenting him, or vice versa.

I need to decide if I continue this relationship for longer and see if I become more sure about moving or he changes his mind, or if I break up with him now and save myself future heartbreak. If we stay together I am worried I'll keep wishing he decides not to move, and will be devastated if he decides to go.

I would be so grateful for opinions. Stay and see and be heartbroken if it doesn't work or go now and never know, but maybe save myself some tears..

Thank you!

OP posts:
Addicted2LoveIsland · 18/10/2022 00:25

OP this is so tough. You say you live in the city you were born in but don't say if you have ever lived anywhere else...have you? Also you don't mention what you do for a living - can you do it anywhere in the world?

I will say ling distance can be very hard if you don't have a long term plan in place. NZ and Aus are really far away - it isn't a short flight.

You could do something like a visit for a few weeks and if you like it do 6 months but to be honest he hasn't even asked you if you want to join him. He has said it's too soon.

Right now as hard as it is I wouldn't worry too much. See how you feel closer to the time. Something else may happen and he may get offered an amazing position, or your career may take off and you want to stay. Life had a funny way of working out.

ToFindNewWays · 18/10/2022 00:29

I would end it, as painful as it may be. He wants to move. You don’t want to go and especially not to be a trailing spouse.

It’s just too insurmountable. Cynically I think he just wants a nice time with a lovely partner until he leaves.

Weatherwax13 · 18/10/2022 00:37

You describe your life as "lovely"
I think that gives you your answer. You're already happy where you are.
He's absolutely right to pursue this if it's his dream. But it's not yours. It's very sad but trust me, emigrating is a huge deal.
I did it for DH's sake and even though I did it willingly it's been fucking hard. Plus we were already married with kids. It wasn't even on the cards when we met.

Original poster
Marty993 · 18/10/2022 08:44

Addicted2LoveIsland · 18/10/2022 00:25

OP this is so tough. You say you live in the city you were born in but don't say if you have ever lived anywhere else...have you? Also you don't mention what you do for a living - can you do it anywhere in the world?

I will say ling distance can be very hard if you don't have a long term plan in place. NZ and Aus are really far away - it isn't a short flight.

You could do something like a visit for a few weeks and if you like it do 6 months but to be honest he hasn't even asked you if you want to join him. He has said it's too soon.

Right now as hard as it is I wouldn't worry too much. See how you feel closer to the time. Something else may happen and he may get offered an amazing position, or your career may take off and you want to stay. Life had a funny way of working out.

Thank you. Yes I've lived away from my home city since I went to uni at 18, just returning last year. I think this is why I feel I want to stay more, I dreamed about coming back for a long time! I could find a similar job to mine (also public sector).

It is hard but yes maybe waiting to see what happens is best..!

OP posts:
Original poster
Marty993 · 18/10/2022 08:46

ToFindNewWays · 18/10/2022 00:29

I would end it, as painful as it may be. He wants to move. You don’t want to go and especially not to be a trailing spouse.

It’s just too insurmountable. Cynically I think he just wants a nice time with a lovely partner until he leaves.

I've thought this too and asked this outright. He's said this isn't the case, and he seems so genuine I believe him.. it's so hard though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marty993 · 18/10/2022 08:48

Weatherwax13 · 18/10/2022 00:37

You describe your life as "lovely"
I think that gives you your answer. You're already happy where you are.
He's absolutely right to pursue this if it's his dream. But it's not yours. It's very sad but trust me, emigrating is a huge deal.
I did it for DH's sake and even though I did it willingly it's been fucking hard. Plus we were already married with kids. It wasn't even on the cards when we met.

It's so useful to hear from someone who has done this, thank you for replying. I naively have told myself it'll be a fun adventure, but I am sure it'll be so hard. I hope you are doing well!

OP posts:
AnnapurnaSanctuary · 18/10/2022 08:55

I met my DH when we were both working in London, but when we'd been together for a couple of years he moved abroad for two years. We stayed together and I would go out and visit him. (Admittedly he was in Europe rather than further afield!) I didn't want to move abroad myself, and we didn't want to split up. Then he came back to the UK, we got married and had kids and have lived here ever since.

For me, he was worth having a long distance relationship for two years. We've been together for 25 years now.

ThanksAntsThants · 18/10/2022 09:07

Has he even talked about you potentially going with him, even in theory?

i’m afraid I’m inclined to agree with Pp, he just wants a nice time while he’s here. you don’t want to move abroad, and those distances are just too much for a long-distance relationship, and he doesn’t really seem to have spoken about you moving with him either. What is the point of getting more and more emotionally involved in a relationship when you know it’s going to break up anyway? Whatever you do don’t keep going with him hoping that he’ll change his mind, you’ll just be asking to get hurt if you do that.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 18/10/2022 09:13

The move is the thing he is sure of long term, you not so much.
If he was sure of your relationship, I'd believe he'd be saying 'i'd love for us to go abroad at some point in the future if it was right for us' rather than 'i'd love it if we could stay together while I leave for another country'

Also, when we got together he mentioned something vaguely about going abroad but now he's more certain......nope! He's always known he was going. It just suited him to be vague about it until circumstances meant he had to be more honest.

Don't make yourself available to be an option for someone.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 18/10/2022 09:26

Honestly? I would break up now.

This is a compatibility issue. He's pretty set on moving and working abroad, and you're pretty set on your life where you live now. Neither of these things are wrong, individually. It just means that you're not compatible as a couple.

I think if you were more keen on moving, or he was open to staying, you could have a realistic conversation. But your respective ambitions lie separate to each other.

It doesn't sound like a long-distance relationship would be your cup of tea. (I don't blame you, it wouldn't be mine either.)

So I think your only option is to let him go with love and start to move on. If you stay together, all that'll happen is you'll get increasingly sad about the fact that there's a break-up looming. The next nine months won't exactly be joyful and fun if you both know you've got a ticking-down clock.

So I'd rip the plaster off now, personally.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 09:38

I think you need to talk to him about this and your
conflicted feelings

as there is NO right or wrong answer here

there was a really good Netflix series and the Lead Character had this , in the end he left and she was heartbroken
and she moved on and when they met several years later she wasn’t into him

anyway this is real life ! But again no one can answer this and you will be OK whatever happens x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2022 09:42

If you know he wants to move abroad and you don't want to follow him (don't, you're too young!) then either agree to carry on until he leaves or just end it now. The latter might be best for you. I totally agree with the 'ripping the sticking plaster off' approach mentioned above.

Just carry on with your life and your friends and have fun.

CrispyNoodles · 18/10/2022 09:45

I'm afraid you aren't on the same page OP, so easier to end it now.

I'm sorry.

ClaryFairchild · 18/10/2022 09:51

If you travel with him, have kids and then break up, you will be trapped in that country unless he also decides to return to the UK.

I wouldn't do it. I did so it and honestly when the relationship broke up I regretted it bitterly.

GGGD · 18/10/2022 10:20

If he were the one you’d know. He’d realise you’re the one for him and be very keen to ask you to go with him. This isn’t happening so I’d accept your plans don’t align and part company now.

BoxOfCats · 18/10/2022 10:24

Only move if you would be happy to do so even if he weren't in the picture. Otherwise if things don't work out between you, you may really regret it.

NotLactoseFree · 18/10/2022 10:43

You're quite young so I would have thought that moving abroad for a few years could be really fun and interesting. Does he want to move forever or just for a few years? If the former, then yes, break up now because that's not what you want. if the latter, I'd be inclined to keep the relationship going then, nearer the time, figure out if you're up for a trip for a few years.

I know a lot of people who have done this and thoroughly enjoyed their time in another country.

Original poster
Marty993 · 18/10/2022 11:09

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies, I've found it so helpful. It's been hard talking to friends in real life about it, I know they want me to choose for myself but it's difficult. These objective answers are great.

He talks about the move being just a few years, but he doesn't have family here and I do, so I wouldn't feel like there is guarantee he'd want to move back here.

I think the sticking plaster approach is best, I just don't have to heart to do it yet. I hoped this would be my person. I would give this advice to a friend though too... Argh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Marty993 · 18/10/2022 11:13

ThanksAntsThants · 18/10/2022 09:07

Has he even talked about you potentially going with him, even in theory?

i’m afraid I’m inclined to agree with Pp, he just wants a nice time while he’s here. you don’t want to move abroad, and those distances are just too much for a long-distance relationship, and he doesn’t really seem to have spoken about you moving with him either. What is the point of getting more and more emotionally involved in a relationship when you know it’s going to break up anyway? Whatever you do don’t keep going with him hoping that he’ll change his mind, you’ll just be asking to get hurt if you do that.

Yes he has spoken about it in theory. He basically says that he wants us to continue and sees a future, but he doesn't want to put that pressure of talking about moving abroad on me so soon into a relationship, so wants me to choose what's right for me. He is quite 'realistic' rather than romantic, so I can't see him saying "I love you, this will work" because there isn't a guarantee it would.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2022 11:26

Honestly, just end it now because it's going to end eventually. I don't think he's as into you as you are him.

mavismorpoth · 18/10/2022 11:29

He wants to go abroad without you because he doesn't feel he can ask you to go yet, and wants to "see what happens".

He's already ended it. he's keeping you around until he meets someone in the new country.

End it now, politely, given it's not serious enough to keep a long-term thing going. If it was serious enough to withstand long-term he would have fucked caution and just asked you to come because he loves you.

DatingDinosaur · 18/10/2022 12:10

“I don't want to follow him to a different country if I am not sure. I want to be together and to have a life together, but I dont want to end up unhappy by moving away from the lovely life I've built here. I am scared of resenting him, or vice versa.”

You’ve already decided OP!!

He’s following his aspirations, his dreams, what he’s trained for.

Are you? Could you continue your dreams and aspirations if you go with him?

If the relationship is meant to be, meant to last, it will survive time apart. You don’t have to split up because of this.

pamshortsbrokenbothherlegs · 18/10/2022 12:39

I went through a similar situation - my then bf was moved abroad with work after we'd been dating 8 months. It was weird timing - long enough for us to be in love and not want to say "was nice knowing ya", but not long enough to make the move together. He'd been asking for the move for years before he met me and it was something he really wanted in his career.

We decided to try long distance - what followed was the best, most expensive, exhausting, fun 18 months. We travelled loads to see each other and meet up all over the world. As time passed it just became very clear to us that we wanted to be together and on one of those trips he proposed to me. We're now married with a toddler.

Long distance worked for us despite having no "plan" when it started (we did need to eventually make one, however!). It doesn't have to be the kiss of death.

TimeForNowt · 18/10/2022 12:56

I think it's really, really selfish of him to be dating and using maybes with a woman when he knows he won't be around for much longer. He's using you for company until his big adventure.

Artemi · 18/10/2022 13:17

OP, this is so hard. I was the partner wanting to move abroad and I felt so torn between what I'd "always wanted" and what I wanted NOW, which was my partner.

In the end I felt huge relief when my initial job offer didn't work out, which told me that staying with my partner was the right thing.
We decided to give our relationship 12 months to solidify and then reapply, this time with both of us going.

It was the best decision of my life as we are now happily married (when I thought I'd be a single adventurer for ever!) and although life had other plans about working abroad, we've got another big adventure planned.

It does sound as though he's maybe not as into you as you are him though, because he's not even considering the possibility of delaying things to prioritise your relationship
Not that I think he necessarily needs to (it is very early after all), but despite it not being ideal for you, you are at least considering the possibility of going with him which feels unbalanced

With my now husband we were both equally torn in the difficult dilemma and were open about all options and potential resentment building etc. Here it sounds a little bit like he's going to go off and life his life regardless, and it's up to you to follow or not, which doesn't feel like a great base for a partnership of equals