Break up before in deeper, or keep going?

[Marty993]

Hi Mumsnet,

I need opinions on what to do with my situation with newish DP, as I can't think straight anymore. My judgement is too clouded!

We are both 29 years old and have been together for 9 months, so it's still early days. We're a great match in many ways, and he is very caring and loving. It's the healthiest relationship I've been in and I love him. We live in the city I was born in, and he is from another country but has lived in this country for the majority of his life.

When we got together he did mention some vague ideas about potentially moving abroad to work at the end of his training year in August next year. He is a medic, so think Aus/Canada/New Zealand. He said it was something he's thought about since young, but was never certain what he wanted to do, it just seemed like one option out of many. Well now he seems more sure that he is going to move. I can't blame him, I know working for the NHS now is very difficult for junior doctors at the moment and there is lots of advantages to living abroad.

He's not pressuring me to go at all, agrees it is too early to formally "ask me", and wants to keep our relationship going and see what happens. I need to decide what I want to do though.

I am really struggling with this. I don't think we have been together long enough yet to know if it's going to work. I don't want to follow him to a different country if I am not sure. I want to be together and to have a life together, but I dont want to end up unhappy by moving away from the lovely life I've built here. I am scared of resenting him, or vice versa.

I need to decide if I continue this relationship for longer and see if I become more sure about moving or he changes his mind, or if I break up with him now and save myself future heartbreak. If we stay together I am worried I'll keep wishing he decides not to move, and will be devastated if he decides to go.

I would be so grateful for opinions. Stay and see and be heartbroken if it doesn't work or go now and never know, but maybe save myself some tears..

Thank you!

It's a tough one, choosing between a partner who you've not known long, and a good career move with some adveture mixed in. Can't really pass judgement on your relationship as I don't know you guys.

However I don't see why you'd break up, really, if you don't have any other issues. Let's see possible case scenarios...
a) Long-distance. It can be emotionally tough at times and can involve long periods alone/ worried about the state of the relationship. However like PP said it can also involve travel, adventures together, being able to explore the world both independently and together. Worst case scenario it doesn't work for you guys and you split, but you've given it a go and you'll know. Is it important for you to have your partner nearby every day of the week?
b) You go with him. Think about it - the life you've built for yourself - would it still be there 1-2 years later if you came back? Do you intend to live the rest of your life in your home city or are you open to trying something different? Some things you really can't leave behind, e.g. your dream job, struggling family members/ people that depend on you, but if you're still relatively care-free, do you fancy trying something different? What are your career prospects like in the place where he intends to go? If you wouldn't be entirely dependent on just him, I'd think about it:
c) He decides not to go. Wouldn't it be quite strange if you broke up with him and in the end he would decide to stay? That would just be unnecessary heartbreak.

If you have other doubts about him and aren't all that crazy about him then by all means, break up, but if he seems like someone you can see yourself with for a long time, why not actually let it play out? You've been together long enough to be attached by this point.

I'm absolutely not making light of it as I've been on both sides of it a long time ago, I know it's so so hard and I still think back to it now sometimes, but unless he's moving away for good and you definitely want to stay in your home city forever, think about it.

If you like him don't finish it. As you say, it's still early days. In a few months you'll know what you want and how you feel.

Just to clarify I've been in this situation too. I think by the time my ex was gone I knew I wanted to finish it. In saying this, he was my first proper relationship and I don't regret it in the slightest. The confidence having a good relationship gave me was something I needed.

Hi everyone,

Reading through these has been so helpful. Its given me a lot to think about before we talk about this next. It feels like there's almost an even split between 'break up' and 'see how it progresses'.. but maybe a few more break ups. I am leaning more this way. I feel like I am one of many factors in his decision, which doesn't feel so balanced.

Thank you all so much!

For those asking about work - I progressed quite quickly in my role so have now plateaued slightly, as the next promotion would be a big jump in seniority and the work/life balance would be much harder. I feel like maybe this is a good time for a change/adventure, which is probably why I'm not totally opposed to moving. Just don't feel secure enough in the relationship to know what's right.

I've had a couple of long distance relationships in the past and found it so difficult, had a bit of a flashback of those past pains when he first told me about this..

There are no guarantees....even though it seems you're looking for one.

He could be your one and you move, blissfully happy and then it falls apart years later. Or you could break up know, go a different path and wonder what if. That's life. You're young, not tied down. Just wait and see than push for a certain projectary

How long you take the wait and see approach could and should depend on your own personal goals. If you see children in your future, years would maybe set you back from that. Does he ever want DC? Are you on the same page in what you want out of life?
If crunchtime is around August, that's not too far off, so you could decide to wait until then.
I suppose consider if he's applying and going through a long process, all the while seeing you, how committed is he to you - less committed than to his dream of travel? If its a long held dream, he would of been less ambiguouse about it at the start if genuine. It dies smack of being vague at the start to keep your interest. He may have developed feelings for you since, but not strong enough to stay with you perhaps.