Would you get back with an ex under these circumstances

[Sydneysea]

If you and your partner loved each other, got on great etc but broke up because he had kids and didn’t want more and you didn’t have any, you spent a couple of years apart but both didn’t meet anyone else and now you’re 41 so not much chance of having kids now, would you go back to the ex?

I think you'd always feel resentful towards him.

@B1rd yes that’s what stops me. Even though the issue has kind of been taken away it’s knowing he would never have wanted that with me.

I agree. For me, knowing we could have had children but he refused would poison the relationship.

Have you considered having a child alone, OP?

No it’s over
don’t go back

@B1rd no, I know that solo route is not for me. I wanted the whole family set up & if I can’t have that I have decided to just accept it wasn’t meant to be for me. Me & this ex still have that spark but like you say, I think if we got back together this would be there lingering. I just wondered what others thought about it who are impartial

I think going backwards in life is rarely a good decision.

Could you have them on your own?

Oh sorry I read your update.

No, I would be focusing forward.

And I would maybe examine why I wouldn’t consider sole parenting

I think you would always harbour resentment that he denied you something you wanted and now that opportunity has passed.
Surely that would eat away at you and the relationship.

I think maybe I would....although the points above are sound.

I suppose what would worry me is that he wouldn't ever compromise and he would always put himself first.

Even if the kids issue is gone, then there will be other issues to resolve...how confident are you that on other important matters he'd be prepared to take your needs seriously and make sacrifices for them?

@Sydneysea do you think he might have mellowed and changed his mind in the 2 years you've been apart? You're only 41 so it's very possible you can still have kids, I know lots of women who've had babies naturally in their 40's so if it's still what you want then don't give up... I think you need to have that conversation with him before considering getting back together...

I think at times you would feel a lot of deep resentment.
Like @CadburyCrunchy says, are you sure you can’t still have children?

Just wanted to say sorry that you didn’t get the big family and all that. It’s not impossible at your age to have children, but it is a lot harder. Yes everyone including myself know someone who did after 40, but it’s not nearly as easy. My mom was over 40 when she had me, so it does happen, but I think it’s wrong to not talk about biological truths.

I don’t know if I’d want to get back with someone I might resent…,

I think you have to clear up the kids issue first - 41 is not too late (know someone who is 47 and has a 3 and 7 year old) but if he is still adamant then you have to decide what to do.

Move on and maybe meet someone else who might want kids or accept your life and the partner you clearly love.

Being in the process of "trying again" myself all I would say is that it might go slowly and that may not suit you

No. You'd be letting yourself down. He wouldn't give you that then and I wouldn't be standing in as a co-parent for him . No I couldn't. You know you can't OP.

If you're still keen for a child, I'd give it a couple more years in case you do meet someone who wants to try for kids too. (Unless you've already had tests telling you you physically can't? Or have decided yourself that all things considered, you're too old.)
Failing then, I'd probably say yes, especially if he came with kids that you were happy to be involved with. If, however, his kids are a painful reminder of what you couldn't have, then no.

I don't think I'd resent him. He's had his kids, and he's done. That's fair enough.

Yes

I don’t mean to be rude but wouldn’t it be second best for both of you? You are only contemplating it because you haven’t met anyone else you want to settle down with and start a family, if you had you wouldn’t be thinking about being with your ex at all and both you and your ex know that.

I wouldn't go back to any ex.
They are 'exes' for a reason....

I feel like 99% of the time this is the answer.

move forward. Always.

Hang on. Did I read it right…. He left you
because he had kids and you didn’t , even
though he didn’t want anymore?

Sorry OP I’m totally confused with that 🤔 Is there another good reason why he’s your ex?

I'm absolutely sure I wanted children, my urge for a family would outweigh any urge for him. You are 41, still lots of time to have children, get cracking on and leave the ex

More context needed.

Other posters are quick to say that you would be resentful etc and that’s possibly true.

But how did this come about? Did he always make it clear he was done having kids and you thought you could change his mind/that he should want kids with you? Or did he lead you on to believe he wanted kids with you and then change his mind? Because there is a difference.

I have mixed views on leaving a relationship for the sake of children. I think when you’re younger it’s understandable, but once you hit late 30’s/early 40’s it’s a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face to leave an otherwise happy relationship for something which has little chance of happening.

No, there really isn’t still lots of time to have children at 41 when you’re not even in a relationship.

OP doesn’t want to go it alone, and even if she did, biology means she would have to go down the route of both donor eggs and sperm, and we tell younger women not to rush into having kids in a new relationship for good reasons. Those reasons still apply even if the woman is in her 40’s and her biological clock is ticking. A relationship should still be established for a couple of years before you start heading down the route of having babies. So yes. In your 40’s with no relationship that ship very likely has sailed.

No. He's an ex for a reason.

And you are only 41. I met ds' dad at 43 and had ds at 45. Don't give up yet. Give yourself every chance.

My mom had me in her 40s. I have fertility issues in my 30s.

the thing is you need to not settle EVER.

EVER.

be ruthless and authentic. You have one life and you better live it. You have a small chance and take it. Yes despite what I’ve seen and everyone else it is actually a very small chance. You should take it.

men fall from trees. Believe it.

Go try for your dream. Every day you delay is on you. Go for the best… the 2nd place prizes will still be here I promise