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Original poster

Would you get back with an ex under these circumstances

46 replies

Sydneysea · 17/10/2022 21:29

If you and your partner loved each other, got on great etc but broke up because he had kids and didn’t want more and you didn’t have any, you spent a couple of years apart but both didn’t meet anyone else and now you’re 41 so not much chance of having kids now, would you go back to the ex?

OP posts:
EdgeOfACoin · 18/10/2022 05:04

I wouldn't.

He wasn't prepared to have children with you and as a consequence you have may have lost out on the opportunity forever.

It will forever be the thorn in the side of your relationship.

Guavafish1 · 18/10/2022 05:12

You can try… but if resent or doubt starts.. then you’ll know it’s over again.

category12 · 18/10/2022 05:28

No, at 41 you do still have a bit of time in your fertility window. It is less likely but no to going back to him unless he had changed his mind and wanted to try.

Maybe at 51.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/10/2022 05:33

Pickings are slim out there. If you can embrace the upside of the childfree life, why not give it another shot?

dreamadreamy · 18/10/2022 05:51

You could give it a try to see how you feel although I wouldn't be able to do it. I would forever feel like this man wouldn't give me one of the things I desired most in life

PatientlyWaiting21 · 18/10/2022 05:55

Sydneysea · 17/10/2022 21:39

@B1rd yes that’s what stops me. Even though the issue has kind of been taken away it’s knowing he would never have wanted that with me.

You’re looking at it the wrong way. He didn’t want more children with anybody, not just you.

you on the other hand it’s not too late, foster, adoption, volunteering, fertility treatments ❤️

GreyCarpet · 18/10/2022 06:25

Sydneysea · 17/10/2022 21:39

@B1rd yes that’s what stops me. Even though the issue has kind of been taken away it’s knowing he would never have wanted that with me.

If you choose to see it that way then, no, I wouldn't get back together because you'd resdnt him. It's not that he didn't want children with you it's that he didn't want to go back to having newborns; didn't want to deal with crying, sleepless nights and the endless slog of babies again; he didn't want to go through starting school, homework, tantrums, friendship issues again... just didn't want any more children.

I have two children and knew when I had second at 31 that I didn't want any more under any circumstances. And I've never wavered on that. There is nothing that could have persuaded me to have any more children. Absolutely nothing.

It wasn't about you. It was a decision he had made for himself.

How does he feel about the fact you left him to try and meet someone else to have children with? Does he resent you for that?

GreyCarpet · 18/10/2022 06:28

Soqny of these posts make it sound like having a child is a gift men should bestow upon women regardless of their own feelings in it.

And then women complain when their partner is a disengaged dad!

No one owes another person a child. He can have loved her immensely and still not have wanted to have more children.

Dery · 18/10/2022 06:51

Complete agree with @GreyCarpet

It’s painful, OP, but declining to have more children wasn’t a reflection of his love for you. A dear friend of mine was in your partner’s position and her relationship with a deeply-loved partner came to an end because she couldn’t face starting again with tinies.

That’s why I’m not sure it’s a given that you would resent him - unless he strung you along about children and denied you the chance to find someone else when your chances of conceiving were better.

There may be other reasons not to go back to him. And you may still be able to have children with someone else - some women do manage it in their 40s. But if there’s still love and fondness between you, you’re content together and you’re no longer pursuing having children, then I think it could be worth exploring.

Original poster
Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 07:10

@BobbysGirly I left him. Thank you everyone for your views. A lot to consider. When we were together he knew I might want them and I knew he was more towards not wanting anymore. When the time came that we couldn’t sit on it any longer both our mindsets were the opposite to each other’s unfortunately.

OP posts:
b8tes7sw · 18/10/2022 07:15

I think maybe yes I would. IF like you say you broke up, didn't meet anyone else in that time, don't want to solo parent/go it alone AND you still have that spark (do you love him??) Then what is the alternative? Do you want to be single or try and meet someone else? He was honest he didn't want more kids, I think the alternative could be worse (you could have had a baby maybe and ended up alone or with him resenting you and you being alone anyway??) Of course no one knows for sure.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/10/2022 07:21

It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong and if you've accepted you won't have kids due to age why not? Better to be child free and happy than unhappy!

Original poster
Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 11:30

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I guess because it would be then us being together but me taking on his kids and future grandkids etc knowing he would not have done that for me. It’s that feeling I can’t shake. I would love nothing more for us to live happy ever after but im not sure that’s possible?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/10/2022 11:40

Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 11:30

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I guess because it would be then us being together but me taking on his kids and future grandkids etc knowing he would not have done that for me. It’s that feeling I can’t shake. I would love nothing more for us to live happy ever after but im not sure that’s possible?

He wouldn't have done that for you? You mean if you had had children? I'm a bit confused. Did he say that? Or you mean because he wouldn't have children with you? That's very muddled thinking and I suggest you do some more work unpacking your feelings before you think about rekindling. You can't start from a position of resentment.

EL8888 · 18/10/2022 11:56

Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 11:30

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I guess because it would be then us being together but me taking on his kids and future grandkids etc knowing he would not have done that for me. It’s that feeling I can’t shake. I would love nothing more for us to live happy ever after but im not sure that’s possible?

Exactly. I don’t see why you should miss out. Then be expected to be the doting step mum and grandparent. It would be a no from me

Original poster
Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 12:14

@EL8888 yes thats My thoughts. @CloseYourEyesAndSee I mean he wanted me as I were, child free so he has no hassles from me. That’s what he still wants. But he has 3 kids

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 18/10/2022 12:27

Op I’d like to know a bit more about how long you were together. It sounds like from the start he was honest about probably not wanting children and I think that’s a positive. So many women on here are strung along for years by a despicable man who ‘want’ children and ‘changes his mind’ when it’s too late. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case. I can see his perspective that when you have three children and a failed relationship behind you you don’t necessarily want more.

It’s so hard to find someone that you have a spark with, you just need to read the dating pages here, that I’d be tempted to try again. But set some boundaries - you don’t have to ‘take on’ children or grandchildren at all. And don’t take it personally that he doesn’t want children with you, just that he doesn’t want his life to return to that stage again.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/10/2022 12:49

Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 12:14

@EL8888 yes thats My thoughts. @CloseYourEyesAndSee I mean he wanted me as I were, child free so he has no hassles from me. That’s what he still wants. But he has 3 kids

Well tbh I think 3 kids is more than enough for one person to produce. Presumably this occurred before you were involved with him?

I applaud him for knowing his limitations. Children aren't something we "give" to one another.

StarDolphins · 18/10/2022 12:56

Is there any chance he’s changed his mind & it could be a possibility to try for what you want?

I have my DD at 42, got pregnant straight away, no probs in pregnancy or birth so it’s not too late? I’m know it’s not as easy when you’re older but it can happen. I know another mum who had her first child at 44!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/10/2022 13:25

Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 12:14

@EL8888 yes thats My thoughts. @CloseYourEyesAndSee I mean he wanted me as I were, child free so he has no hassles from me. That’s what he still wants. But he has 3 kids

If he was clear from the beginning he didn't want more children why do you resent this?
Children aren't a sign of love or commitment, they are massive responsibilities and not to be created unless totally wanted.

Original poster
Sydneysea · 18/10/2022 19:35

@stealthninjamum we were together around 3 & half years. @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune yes all his kids are from before we met. @StarDolphins no I think he’s still firm on no kids. I guess the reasons I left are all still there after going through it on here. It’s just such a shame as like I say, everything else was there with us. And still seems to be.

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