Is daily contact with an ex a red flag...semi coparenting related

[Ginandcoffeeandcake]

I’d appreciate some coparenting advice with a twist if I may.

I coparent my son with my ex. We have days agreed in advance and don’t therefore have the need to contact each other every single day. But actually if we were to both of us have moved on so that it wouldn’t be an issue (separated since 2019) and our thoughts are always around what is best for our son.

My new partner (we’ve been together almost a year but friends for 4 years) has a coparenting relationship with his ex which mean they message each other throughout the day. Every day. For the dog they adopted when together.

She’s been quite manipulative over his/our access to the dog (who I adore) previously…better recently but she still tells him that’s she’s not happy when the dog is with him and I am there. So she’s clearly not moved on yet and wants him to be responsible for her emotions.

I know where his head is and I’m not concerned on that - he only thinks of her as a friend - same as he’s felt for the last 3+ years. Her behaviour feels off to me as it feels like she’s still trying to hold onto a more than friend relationship with him.

I’m really hoping I get some sensible comments that help because everyone else I know who’s had a pet and split up - have not used the pet as an excuse for daily contact.

They co-parent a dog, after splitting up 3 yrs ago, and message daily about this dog... and she doesn't want you having contact with the dog. Have I got that right?

Sounds like the dog is an excuse to keep communicating.

Most people, when they split, decide who gets to keep the pets and who has to say goodbye. People who share custody of pets when they split aren't really moving on. Can't he leave the pet and move on his life?

I honestly did not expect you to say it was a dog they were coparenting!! Is that even a thing! I really think he needs to say to the ex that 1 of them keeps the dog. It sounds to me like it's an excuse to keep in touch. Ask him how he would feel never having contact with her again, to block her? He's probably got used to keeping in contact and would miss it when it stops. Which doesn't bode well for you two, sorry.

I was going to say,my friend was in daily contact with his ex when their son was going through a particularly difficult time at school, lying about attending after school activities and so on, so they could have a common front in dealing with it, and both knew what he was (or wasn't) doing. Otherwise, it's frequent, but not daily contact, usually around logistics like, "daughter left PE kit at yours, but she needs it at school today," "son will need collecting from guitar lesson, but I have to work late - are you available or do I need to work something else out?"

I could understand it if the dog had had an accident, was at the vet, and there were frequent updates on whether he was likely to pull through after the op or something.

But this sounds like a way of keeping control and not letting go when things are entirely normal. It's more than, "he seems to be a bit off his food, can you keep an eye on that?" at handover, or coordinating who's sorting out his annual healthcheck. I don't know how you change it, though. Presumably she'd react by saying, "no more shared access to dog, he's all mine now." How would your partner feel about that, if it happened?

Just for a dog, I think that is ridiculous, he shouldn't be messaging everyday.

You own a dog, you don't parent it.
If the ex is so attached, convince your partner to let her have the dog.
Absolutely ridiculous and he is enabling this by engaging in the messaging.

seriously such madness. Tell him to let her have the bloody dog fulltime and be done with it. Co parenting a flipping dog, I have literally heard it all now.

Ridiculous. Neither of them have moved on. Seriously tell him its you or the dog. You soon get your answer to how much he cares about you.

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😦🫢🤭😬😂😂😂
this is my exact reaction to this thread 😅

He should just let her have the dog.

Eem is that healthy to think a dog parented? Really strange set up.

It's bonkers.
How old is the dog?

You train dogs, not parent them.

He sounds unhinged get rid

Clearly they don’t have children because anyone with a child thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous to ‘parent’ a dog.

Having owned a dog, who I loved dearly, I was very attached to him so I presume this is the case with your boyfriend. Both of them are off their rockers though. How old is the dog because, with most breeds, you have 5 more years or so, assuming it’s 4 years already since separation, and it’s time to put the dog down.

Come on, it's a dog. I have one and I love her even if she is an idiot and if my ex took her in the split I'd be gutted, But to coparent over a dog. Really?

I share a dog with my ex.

I have the dog one week, and my ex has him the next week. Other people might find it strange but it works for us right now.

We don’t really communicate about the dog except to arrange the logistics around swapping or asking the other person if they can take him for an extra day, or obviously if the dog seems ill.

Ex may send me a picture / video of the dog if it’s doing something particularly cute or funny, but I will just react with an emoji or very short message. It doesn’t lead to a conversation.

so yeah, it does sound like she’s using the dog as a way to stay close to him.

he needs to stop pandering and keep the messages short. No need to message multiple times throughout the day

She is not his friend, she is his ex. And a manipulative one.

It's a bloody dog. I accept I am not a dog person but FFS, what do they have to discuss? 'Fluffy decided to wear his red collar today. He says he misses you, he is playing with the toy you have him, woof woof' ?????
Unless the dog is at death's door with a need for updates it is ridiculous and just an excuse to keep the connection going.

And as for not liking the dog to be around you - I have never heard anyyso ridiculous in all my life.

He needs to tell her to keep the dog and be done with it.

Both of their behaviours are off.

Co-parenting a dog? 😅
Are they using this arrangement as an excuse to shag?

(yes - this comment is as odd as this arrangement they have)

Is it 50/50 or does one pay Dog Maintenance 🫣

And i thought dealing with DPs ex wife who messages constantly about their kids and everything else was weird....

I share 2 dogs with my ex. He has them for the 3 days I work, I have them the rest of the week. It works for us, but we don't have doggy catch ups, and certainly don't text daily about the dogs or anything else. Neither of us are currently in a relationship, and I guess if we were we might have to have a rethink....but I would never use the word 'co-parent' - that's just a bit bonkers!!!

Yes in case you and the dog get too close and it starts calling you mama... I actually cannot right now.

This was immensely helpful - thank you for your comments….it gives me something to start a conversation again with. I don’t know how to change things - I could definitely see her stopped shared access based on her actions to date. Which is what neither him nor I want.

Bloody bonkers. It is a dog not a child.