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Original poster

Is daily contact with an ex a red flag...semi coparenting related

45 replies

Ginandcoffeeandcake · 17/10/2022 11:35

I’d appreciate some coparenting advice with a twist if I may.

I coparent my son with my ex. We have days agreed in advance and don’t therefore have the need to contact each other every single day. But actually if we were to both of us have moved on so that it wouldn’t be an issue (separated since 2019) and our thoughts are always around what is best for our son.

My new partner (we’ve been together almost a year but friends for 4 years) has a coparenting relationship with his ex which mean they message each other throughout the day. Every day. For the dog they adopted when together.

She’s been quite manipulative over his/our access to the dog (who I adore) previously…better recently but she still tells him that’s she’s not happy when the dog is with him and I am there. So she’s clearly not moved on yet and wants him to be responsible for her emotions.

I know where his head is and I’m not concerned on that - he only thinks of her as a friend - same as he’s felt for the last 3+ years. Her behaviour feels off to me as it feels like she’s still trying to hold onto a more than friend relationship with him.

I’m really hoping I get some sensible comments that help because everyone else I know who’s had a pet and split up - have not used the pet as an excuse for daily contact.

OP posts:
Ginandcoffeeandcake · 17/10/2022 21:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Ginandcoffeeandcake · 17/10/2022 21:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MuckyPlucky · 17/10/2022 21:58

🤣

Original poster
Ginandcoffeeandcake · 17/10/2022 22:11

redtshirt50 · 17/10/2022 15:03

I share a dog with my ex.

I have the dog one week, and my ex has him the next week. Other people might find it strange but it works for us right now.

We don’t really communicate about the dog except to arrange the logistics around swapping or asking the other person if they can take him for an extra day, or obviously if the dog seems ill.

Ex may send me a picture / video of the dog if it’s doing something particularly cute or funny, but I will just react with an emoji or very short message. It doesn’t lead to a conversation.

so yeah, it does sound like she’s using the dog as a way to stay close to him.

he needs to stop pandering and keep the messages short. No need to message multiple times throughout the day

This sounds such a healthy way to share a dog with an ex! Can I ask you if you had this arrangement from the start after you’d broken up? If they were like this I’d have no concerns
@redtshirt50

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginandcoffeeandcake · 17/10/2022 22:14

Doggiedoodoos · 17/10/2022 21:29

Yes in case you and the dog get too close and it starts calling you mama... I actually cannot right now.

😂
I refer to him as my step dog….because the ex is his mum. @Doggiedoodoos

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginandcoffeeandcake · 17/10/2022 22:16

SunsetsArePretty · 17/10/2022 12:50

They co-parent a dog, after splitting up 3 yrs ago, and message daily about this dog... and she doesn't want you having contact with the dog. Have I got that right?

Sounds like the dog is an excuse to keep communicating.

Most people, when they split, decide who gets to keep the pets and who has to say goodbye. People who share custody of pets when they split aren't really moving on. Can't he leave the pet and move on his life?

They split up over a year ago but the last 3 years of their relationship they lived together but as a friendship not a couple.

Shes refused to let us take the dog away with us on holidays if she knows I’m going as well.

He loves the dog as if he was his child - he is a pretty lush dog 😍@SunsetsArePretty

OP posts:
redtshirt50 · 18/10/2022 01:12

@Ginandcoffeeandcake at the beginning we had more contact, because I initially moved into a place that didn't allow dogs so would instead take the dog for a walk every other day and 'babysit' it one evening a week at my mums. He would send me more photos and videos throughout the week.

But the communication has always just been about the dog - photos, replies like 'so cute' or an emoji, it never led onto other stuff.

I nor he would ever begrudge the other person taking the dog away with a new partner either - I think that shows more than the communication that she's jealous of you / still harbouring feelings for your DP.

The communication I would be less worried about if it's just photos of the dog, but if it's actual conversation I wouldn't like it either.

No499 · 18/10/2022 01:43

Oh, my ex-DH and I shared our dog for a few years. Usually a couple of weeks on/off at a time. We spoke daily. Both moved on with new partners. Just because we were no longer together in a relationship didn't mean we couldn't be friends.....judging by the responses, we're obviously strange. Oh well, worked for us

CrispyNoodles · 18/10/2022 03:47

My new partner (we’ve been together almost a year but friends for 4 years) has a coparenting relationship with his ex which mean they message each other throughout the day. Every day. For the dog they adopted when together.

This is totally ridiculous - and that's from a dog-lover.

It seems neither of them has moved on.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/10/2022 06:38

Sharing the dog - fair enough I guess it works for some people.

But messaging constantly throughout the day, every day - that's as ridiculous as her refusing to let you have contact with the dog.

Why is your partner enabling this behaviour?

MayThe4th · 18/10/2022 06:55

And what is he going to use as an excuse to keep in touch with the ex when this dog dies?

Split up a year ago but before that they were living as friends and now he’s constantly in contact with her…. Over a dog?…. Yeah right.

Hate to say it OP but sounds to me like you were (unknowingly) the OP and were taken in by his talk of them just being friends. He left her for you but his feelings are conflicted hence why he is holding on to this dog as a means to remain in a relationship with her.

I would move on personally.

MayThe4th · 18/10/2022 06:56

You were unknowingly the OW*

Crazypaving22 · 18/10/2022 07:01

I agree with May 4th, the dog is not the issue here, their behaviour screams that you were the OW (now primary partner) and he's still cake eating in some way.

He enjoyed having two women at his beck and call, both fighting for him and still does.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2022 07:12

A ducking dog !!!!!

nah that’s weird and not healthy

I’d be saying to him he needs to cut that right down
and be ready for him not to , and you to walk

I don’t even text my ex and we have two kids

he hates me 😁

dog my arse , they need to move on

Meltingsocks · 18/10/2022 07:16

This thread isn't real people 😂

RedHelenB · 18/10/2022 07:17

Stressfordays · 17/10/2022 14:12

Ridiculous. Neither of them have moved on. Seriously tell him its you or the dog. You soon get your answer to how much he cares about you.

Definitely this.

altmember · 18/10/2022 09:02

Ginandcoffeeandcake · 17/10/2022 21:30

This was immensely helpful - thank you for your comments….it gives me something to start a conversation again with. I don’t know how to change things - I could definitely see her stopped shared access based on her actions to date. Which is what neither him nor I want.

That may not be what you want, but you need to start wanting it, because it's exactly what needs to happen here. She's using the dog as puppet strings for your partner. Until he stops giving a shot about the dog she'll keep on using it to manipulate him.

Get a dog of your own together. A bigger and better one obviously.

Original poster
Ginandcoffeeandcake · 18/10/2022 10:24

No499 · 18/10/2022 01:43

Oh, my ex-DH and I shared our dog for a few years. Usually a couple of weeks on/off at a time. We spoke daily. Both moved on with new partners. Just because we were no longer together in a relationship didn't mean we couldn't be friends.....judging by the responses, we're obviously strange. Oh well, worked for us

Thank you for your viewpoint - its good to see that that does work. Did either of you prevent the other taking the dog away/seeing the dog when you were in another relationship at all and at the same time be in constant contact throughout the day?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/10/2022 10:31

No499 · 18/10/2022 01:43

Oh, my ex-DH and I shared our dog for a few years. Usually a couple of weeks on/off at a time. We spoke daily. Both moved on with new partners. Just because we were no longer together in a relationship didn't mean we couldn't be friends.....judging by the responses, we're obviously strange. Oh well, worked for us

You both moved on. That's the difference. The ex in this situation clearly hasn't

figtrees · 18/10/2022 10:38

Op you should get your own dog with dp, that would drive her bonkers.

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