Is the marriage over already

[KCFinn]

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure if there's even a point to this post other than a bit of a vent or even if anyone had an opinion on the subject. Basically myself and my husband have only been married since May and ever since we got married he just won't talk to me or engage in conversation. We have two children aged 2 and 1 there is 11 months between them and he works full time and I am on extended leave from work. He works Monday to Friday and goes to the gym 3 nights a week and I stay at home with the boys. I have just noticed that as the weeks have gone on he is ignoring me more and more, if I try to talk to him he just does a fake laugh or says oh very good, he replies to me with one word messages, if I walk into the room he's in I've noticed him rolling his eyes or sighing. Obviously I've brought this up but the response is just him saying "why are you looking at me so".
Since we got married we haven't gone anywhere together, my parents booked us a mini honeymoon for 3 nights in a really nice hotel and he cancelled it because he got the dates mixed up and booked a weekend away with his friends. He has been on 8 trips away with his friends since our wedding to various matches etc but 3 times I've booked dinner reservations for us and ended up cancelling because he didn't want to go. My parents are always offering to babysit so we're not stuck for help. We have a wedding next week I had to decline because he didn't want to go and I rearranged the honeymoon for Halloween week and when I brought it up yesterday he just said "god were not still going to that are we"?!. It's like any plans involving me he doesn't want to do. I've done date nights in suggestions, day date plans and all cancelled. Every single time I go to hug him he will literally push me away and say stand back please, when I get frustrated then he's calling me names like mental, weird, annoying and accusing me of wanting to start arguments. The last few months he keeps calling me and saying I'm so sorry but today I saw a woman and I was staring at her and I was thinking about her then all day but I love you. I know it sounds strange but he does it daily, like oh I'm so sorry when we were having sex this woman from work popped into my head. I just feel so depressed and of course the knock on effect is I don't want to get dressed up to go out because I know he doesn't want to go anywhere with me. Could I just have some bit of advice or an opinion on this.

For reference, I know it's hard working full time, it's tiring, having a family is expensive, I am on paid leave and I pay for groceries, baby things, small bills like the bins and internet and it's still a lot of pressure for him but I can't keep forcing conversation, being ignored, he won't hold my hand, won't touch me at all unless it's the one day a week he wants sex. We've always had an up and down relationship but we always did things together like cinema, weekend breaks, movie nights etc we just had fun together . Now I just go to bed every night with the babies at 8.30 because he sits in the front room with the door closed out watching TV.

I have also asked him if everythings ok, if he's feeling down, if something is bothering him, did I do something and all he says is to stop looking to create problems, there's nothing wrong with him and to stop telling him how he's feeling. I just know that it isn't normal behaviour for a newlywed couple.

Jesus Christ, this guy is awful. It’s not you it’s him. Get rid!

Yes, it’s over. Your H is a pig. This has nothing to do with work stress. He seems to be finding lots of spare time to spend with friends and at the gym. This must be a huge disappointment to you but it sounds like you’d be better off without him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, when you should be enjoying being a newly-wed. His comments to you about other women are just mean, and he knows it, so are his comments about your honeymoon. I'd have a very honest conversation with him, stating everything you've listed above, saying things either change or he leaves... but be prepared to kick him out, because he men like him rarely change.

Thanks for the replies. Sometimes I find it hard because it's my side of the story but I always try to give him the benefit of the doubt too. I think that some days I am snappy or grumpy in the evenings too but it's because I feel like you wait all day for your partner to come home and it's so disappointing when you're met with silence.

Also this is definitely not a looking for sympathy post or anything, I knew exactly who he was before we married because we're together 10 years. But it's just as the time goes on I just realised I'm spending more and more time on my own. I don't have many friends so without my husband it's like having no one at all.

Is he even with his 'friends' when he claims he is?
Sounds like he's checked out.

OP get your parents to babysit and go out without him.
Get a hobby or meet friends.
He either won't care because he has his eye on someone else or he may realise you're not prepared to hang around waiting for crumbs from him.
Either way I think your relationship is over.
Hopefully this will clarify things.

This sounds awful, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. If he won't communicate with you I can't see how you can move forward with this situation. His comments regarding other woman are disgusting. I can't believe if he loves you he would say those things. Maybe you need to issue an ultimatum, if neither of you are happy and he's not willing to be open then what's the point. I think you deserve so much more.

Wow he sounds awful! Why did he bother marrying you, if he is just going to treat you this way only a few months later. Do you have a lot of money in savings? Is the house jointly owned or is it owned by you? Could he have married you, just so he can get half of everything when you divorce? You need to speak to a solicitor and divorce him.

Thanks for the reply, I just feel so embarrassed that we only married a few months ago and things have gone bad so fast. We bought our home together in 2018 so both our names are on it. To be honest I haven't even thought about him moving out and I definitely don't want anything from him, I just have this horrible feeling of sadness really and anxiety all the time. It's like I've been acting like I'm the problem and doing more and more for him hoping it will fix things but unfortunately it's not working.

Sense abit of emotional abuse here.
Are you getting silent treatment and with holding affection?

I think it's just making it's very obvious that he doesn't want me around. For example the comments about other women, without fail he will say it everyday but always finishes with but it's your fault you make me think this way because you overreact about everything. Or lately if I say I'm just annoyed because I'm always on my own he just puts his airpods back in and turns his back to me when I'm mid sentence. I'm not sure what emotional abuse would be classed as though.

I’m so sorry OP that all sounds dreadful. He is being deliberately cruel. I suspect the marriage freaked him out and he is feeling trapped, but rather than have the guts to call it quits, he’s forcing you to instead. Don’t waste anymore time. Be strong, you are worth more.

Do you think he wants you to end it so the narrative he can tell everyone is that you ended the relationship/marriage? Do your parents know how awful he is being? I would tell them and make plans to leave/kick him out. What is he bringing to your lives?

Please end it. Im sorry to be so blunt, but he doesn't like you.

Please don't let your boys grow up thinking it is okay to treat people this way. It really isn't. Nobody deserves to be treated with such contempt.

Thanks everyone, I think I know myself he resents me and didn't want to marry me but it was too late. we had an argument a few weeks before the wedding because we don't share finances as in he doesn't give me money, I have my leave payment and that's it so I said look we need to sort this out because he has a very good job (80k) a year and I said we should have 1 account where my pay goes and his wages go. This is because he was constantly spending on stupid things and I was struggling and basically he said I was an ungrateful person that I had a free house (because he pays the mortgage) and a free car (even though I paid half) and all I wanted was his money. The fact he always mentions women at work makes me feel I suppose that he either expected more from me or I don't live up to what he wanted.

As others have said, what he is doing is cruel, and I think he’s well aware he’s hurting you. I don’t know if the goal of that is to either get you to leave, or to have your self worth so low that you won’t.

This is absolutely emotional abuse. The not listening, denying any form of affection, purposefully telling you about other women, and then gaslighting you about it.

OP, you deserve better, and yes we can all be grumpy after a hard day, but that absolutely does not warrant you being treated like that.

Omg, fuck him. He's a nasty bell end with a misguided superiority complex and you deserve an awful lot better.

I had one of these myself and stayed longer than I should have.

Please reach out for any support from friends and family and leave his sorry arse.

Life is too short for this shit treatment! Worse than a dog! Sorry OP not sugar coating this, LTB!

I would actually walk out, without the kids, go to your mums for the night. Tell him he'll have to get used to it (kids) as he'll be seeing them on 'his' days soon enough anyway.

Then take it from there, see what he says, IF you want to.

Personally I'd rather be alone (getting him to pay for his family commitments) than stay in a room with someone who had such contempt for me.

Also why are you still allowing him to have sex with you when he won't kiss or cuddle you or even be cordial to you

He’s already out of the marriage. You need to make it official.

All of the above and make sure he pays maintenance for the children. I think you need to see a solicitor this week just to get an idea of what your options are. Meantime stay apart from him, ask him for nothing as that level of rejection is absolutely cruel. Also do tell your parents. He is the one that should be ashamed not you.

Forget about categories. Sometimes they're useful to give people a wake-up call, but sometimes they aren't because the person tends to fixate too much on labelling something as 'abuse'.

Or lately if I say I'm just annoyed because I'm always on my own he just puts his airpods back in and turns his back to me when I'm mid sentence

This is absolutely unbelievable OP. You are so used to this behaviour that you simply feel sadness, anxiety and loneliness, but this level of disrespect and dismissiveness should inspire rage in you. It's disgusting. So is the sighing. It's an unacceptable way to treat your wife and is grossly disrespectful.

I have also asked him if everythings ok, if he's feeling down, if something is bothering him, did I do something and all he says is to stop looking to create problems, there's nothing wrong with him and to stop telling him how he's feeling. I just know that it isn't normal behaviour for a newlywed couple

You're clearly not trying to create problems. You're trying to solve your marriage, and you can see a set of behaviours which suggest that your husband doesn't like you nor respects you.

Sometimes, people say 'stop telling me how I'm feeling' because they simply don't want to be honest and address the situation. In the worst case scenario, they want to carry on punishing you, carry on sulking, carry on treating you as if you are nuisance. He could have a lot of resentment regarding marrying you.

Some men even enjoy this fawning that you do around them, trying to appease them, trying to figure out what the problem is. They get a kick out of it and might even keep behaving in a bad manner in order to get this fawning attention from you.

@whirlyswirly Interested to hear about your experience, especially the superiority complex bit.

You are living with a man who hates you.

In a way it makes it easier for you as you can clearly see that this is over rather than imagining that there is some magic behaviour you can perform to him that will make it all be good and happy.

Make a solicitors appointment. Once you have separated, you can claim CMS for your child, which will almost certainly be more than he is paying at the moment.

It will really help you if you start to tell people what is happening in your marriage, including with the finances. The embarrassment is his alone - let the light in and don't protect his reputation for him by keeping quiet to your family and friends.

The only person who should be embarrassed is him! He sounds like my ex, emotionally abusive, luckily I didn't marry him and got out, so glad I did as I know my life would have been awful if I had stayed with him. Good luck and definitely do not be embarrassed!