Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cut marks on DD’s arm

47 replies

Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 14:35

Has anyone ever experienced this with their teen? I’ve just discovered marks on DD’s wrist (she is 15). She is also being funny with food (missing certain meals, not wanting to eat with us) although she has never eaten much anyway and has a Leary’s been picky. She has lots of nice friends, is doing well at school and has a secure family and home life. I know that’s not everything but I just feel so baffled. And so upset. I don’t know where to go from here. Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 14:35

always been picky, rather!

OP posts:
Hfduvtgn · 16/10/2022 14:40

You need to contact the school ASAP.
You need to gently ask her what they are and why she's done it.
You could look at hubofhope.co.uk/
www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline-and-webchat/
You can text "SHOUT" to 85258 for free from all major UK mobile networks. You'll then be connected to a volunteer for an anonymous conversation by text message.

Ladyofthepeonies · 16/10/2022 14:44

Ask her don’t ignore it - talk about it, is it for release or to harm herself and get support for her and you.

good luck

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 16/10/2022 14:46

Yes you need to ask her about this. She has self harmed - why? How deep are the cuts? Superficial? She's seeking attention and it's a cry for help.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/10/2022 15:01

Start a diary and note everything

self harm is a classic marker of mental health problems and can go hand in hand with an eating disorder

what’s going on at school and with friends

dont ignore but don’t panic
ask her very gently why she’s so anxious and why she felt the need to hurt herself

Captainfairylights · 16/10/2022 15:21

Yes, my DD self harmed during Covid when she was very isolated and my marriage was breaking up. I did not know about it, though I knew she was depressed and was very worried about it. Another pupil saw it at school and told a teacher. A parent told me. The school were absolutely brilliant and she had a teacher that she was very close to take her under her wing. I was advised not to ask to see the scars and to wait for her to tell me about it. She found it much easier to talk to the teachers she was close to initially. She has a new friend group, is no longer isolated due to lockdown and I have separated amicably and her home life is settled. She no longer does this, but the teacher (with whom I also regularly talk) says it is a 'tool' that will be there forever as a coping strategy so she needs new ones. She finally showed me the scars a year or so after it first came up. I was really shocked. I think she will have something of them there for life. I felt terrible that she she had been so alone. We talk much more now, but the main advance has been that LOADS of girls that age do it, and when she shared that she had done this with her new friends, they all bonded as they had almost all done it.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 16/10/2022 15:37

My DC self harmed - a friend had shown them how. I said to DC regular self harming leaves scars that could be with you for a very long time and you will be judged negatively for having them, even affecting your future career prospects.
They stopped - they are very ambitious.

Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 17:35

Thank you all. Don’t feel like it’s my finest parenting day today 😥

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 16/10/2022 17:48

Yes we spotted multiple scars that came out in the sun when on holiday this summer. It was heartbreaking. I spoke to her, she denied it but I told her I knew what it was and she can always talk to me. They were clearly well healed and I think it probably occurred during lockdown. I’m keeping an eye on the situation. She’s had a lot of problems with puberty (1st period she ended up in hospital with a blood transfusion followed by 2yrs of feeling like shite until low ferritin was discovered). She is also naturally quiet and shy which doesn’t help navigating being a teenage girl. I just don’t know what to do, but hope she would speak to me if she feels like that again. But I’m also prepared to pay for a counsellor etc if need be. It’s so hard. She is 14, 15 next spring

Darbs76 · 16/10/2022 17:48

Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 17:35

Thank you all. Don’t feel like it’s my finest parenting day today 😥

I felt like that too, so did her dad. But you can’t watch your kids 24/7.

MrMrsJones · 16/10/2022 17:54

Get her a band to put round her wrist, so if she feels overwhelmed she can twang it, it gives the same release as cutting, but without the scars.

Then tell her you understand life gets stressful and she can always talk to you, no matter what x

ElectedOnThursday · 16/10/2022 18:08

The incidence of self harm amongst children and young people has swollen to epidemic levels. There are multiple Insta feeds dedicated to promoting self harm. So some self harm is legit, for want of a better description and some is sort of curiosity/following.

That said, you need to take it seriously. GP who will be able to make referrals.

If you are at all able to stretch to private therapy this will be so much faster.

i don’t understand why the poster upthread advised to flag the school. I would do nothing without my child’s agreement. A teenager needs to be involved in decisions about their lives. In fact, the feeling of helplessness is a big driver of mental health problems.

I would ask her about her arms. She has let you see them consciously or subconsciously because she wants your attention and doesn’t know how else to ask.

Keep it low drama, very important that you keep your emotions in check and come from a place of love that is very clear to her.

Ask her what she needs from you. She may not know but she will appreciate you asking. Maybe she needs assurance that your love and acceptance is not conditional on high grades or other external markers. I’m sure it’s not but some teens need it spelled out.

It’s a challenging time to be young; we have a global pandemic, a climate emergency, a war, an appalling lack of leadership on top of all the normal struggles of being a teen.

cantthinkofabetterusername · 16/10/2022 18:15

I can totally relate. My dd is 15, a couple of years ago I discovered she'd been self harming. I contacted school who were great, fast forward to now she's been diagnosed with anorexia.
Please don't ignore this, talk you your dd and let her know you're there for her x

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 16/10/2022 18:26

Yes, we've had a very similar experience recently.

We noticed cut marks on DD's wrist; fairly superficial but as far as I can tell she did it four times in that week.

I went and spoke to her guidance teacher, took her to the GP for a CAHMS referral, abs she is going to counselling sessions. She doesn't seem to feel able to talk freely with any of us so counselling seemed the only option.

I don't think she's done it for the last few weeks, but I'm not sure she isn't making herself sick, I'm turning into a bloody detective.

We're trying hard to keep her out of her room and around others but it's hard to find the balance, because she's at the normal age for spending time in her room. It's kind of exhausting.

NormalNans · 16/10/2022 18:29

You might find this helpful, young minds are great www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/self-harm/

Dontslamit · 16/10/2022 18:49

Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 17:35

Thank you all. Don’t feel like it’s my finest parenting day today 😥

Please don’t blame yourself either for her doing it or for not picking up any signs. I worked in mental health for years and didn’t spot my daughters scars until months after she’d done some of them. Very much like your daughter there’s no obvious external source of stress but that doesn’t lessen the problem. Don’t be surprised if she can’t verbalise her reasons or feelings; sometimes that’s part of the problem. My daughter says she cut in order to ‘feel something’. I think sometimes being aware of just how common cutting and self harm behaviour is actually serves to normalise them and young people feel that they almost shouldn’t seek help because ‘lots of people feel that bad’. I don’t think that’s true - they need help even if that’s just a listening ear.

Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 18:53

Thank you all so much. I feel so upset. Don’t know whether to contact the school or a doctor or a private counsellor..I feel totally at a loss as to do what to do next.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 16/10/2022 18:57

Talk to her. Go for a drive, its easier to talk when you don't make direct eye contact. My daughter did this over lockdown, it was widely discussed in her friend group

shmiz · 16/10/2022 19:00

My 14 yr old Dd was harming her arms -
triggered by school stress / friendship issues
lots of teens do this
mine benefited from talking to the student support person at school
we spoke about finding other ways of managing difficult emotions
we have had a few tricky times when she has been very upset about something and I have refused to leave her alone as she requests as I said I can’t trust you to keep yourself safe
that seemed to annoy her into wanting to demonstrate she can keep herself safe and not need me constantly monitoring !!
I also would ask to check her arms every now and then, in a gentle not confrontational manner
it’s really hard
I’m really hoping that’s behind us now but I wouldn’t count on it

Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 19:04

Ps I think your advice was excellent @ElectedOnThursday, especially about keeping it low drama. That’s exactly what my husband said.

OP posts:
dollyblack · 16/10/2022 19:07

For a bit of perspective. I came from a lovely caring stable family and self harmed (and ED) as a teen. My mum knew but didnt know what to do- the 90s.

I am not sure the best route but just wanted to reassure you that its not your fault and won’t ruin her life. I have a successful career and a totally “normal” life: its more common than you think.

Do let her know you see and hear her without judgement x

golddustwomen · 16/10/2022 19:07

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain if someone had said that to me it would have made me feel 100x worse.

Op do not tell her that she will be judged negatively for having scars. In fact that comment has shat all over the 15+ years of work I have done to be confident enough to wear short sleeves in the summer.

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 16/10/2022 19:07

Oopsiedaisyy · 16/10/2022 18:57

Talk to her. Go for a drive, its easier to talk when you don't make direct eye contact. My daughter did this over lockdown, it was widely discussed in her friend group

I'm glad this works for you and your DD but for some reason my daughter just cannot be prised open, although I've spent years trying hard to role model openness etc.

That's why we went to a private counsellor; I won't say it doesn't feel like a bit of a slap in the face to have to pay £50 a week for my daughter to talk to someone, when I'm always available to her, but if that's what works for her, it's what we'll do.

Vapeyvapevape · 16/10/2022 19:08

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 16/10/2022 15:37

My DC self harmed - a friend had shown them how. I said to DC regular self harming leaves scars that could be with you for a very long time and you will be judged negatively for having them, even affecting your future career prospects.
They stopped - they are very ambitious.

I'm glad they stopped but I wouldn't recommend handling the situation like this.

ElectedOnThursday · 16/10/2022 19:10

Lucyjess · 16/10/2022 19:04

Ps I think your advice was excellent @ElectedOnThursday, especially about keeping it low drama. That’s exactly what my husband said.

@Lucyjess i have researched this extensively. You are definitely not alone although I appreciate that you may feel you are. And you will get through this.