Cut marks on DD’s arm

[Lucyjess]

Has anyone ever experienced this with their teen? I’ve just discovered marks on DD’s wrist (she is 15). She is also being funny with food (missing certain meals, not wanting to eat with us) although she has never eaten much anyway and has a Leary’s been picky. She has lots of nice friends, is doing well at school and has a secure family and home life. I know that’s not everything but I just feel so baffled. And so upset. I don’t know where to go from here. Has anyone else been through this?

I’d do all of those. If you can afford it, a good, private counsellor would be a quick support. Big hugs. Horribly scary xxx

Do you think she knows you saw them? Maybe she wanted you to see them as she wants help.

My DD uses an app called Calm Harm which has tips for alternative coping strategies and also has a tracker for days without SH. She likes to collect a Streak and uses this as positive reinforcement

I have no idea how old you are obviously, but the current generation of young people never cease to amaze me in their acceptance of all differences amongst all people. I’m not saying that’s true everywhere ofcourse but I feel it’s definitely a positive trend. My daughter has quite obvious scars on her thighs and wears shorts without any comments or stares from her peers; I’m not naive enough to think this will never happen but I’m confident that moving forward it will be a rare occurrence. But it will only happen if adults like yourself are brave enough to pave the way. Bravo. Skin is only skin.

I can't decide how I feel about it really. Yes it's common to see lots of young people with scars now, but I also feel like that promotes the idea that it's a healthy/normal coping mechanism, and it surely isn't.

It's just like seeing it on social media; it makes it seem like something that's, you know, no big deal. And it is.

I think seeing someone on social media is different to seeing someone going about their day in Tesco or getting on a bus

I don't see why, it all contributes to it being normalise and mainstream

OP, speaking as someone who self harmed in their teens (now in my 20's) be gentle and be patient with her. It's very likely if you approach it she might react very defensively, I know I did. She will probably feel embarrassed, confused and may not even have an answer for why she did it. Don't push for a why, it won't help.
Purely from personal experience I started because I was SA'd and didn't know how to handle it, and wasn't able to speak about it. Obviously not saying that's what's happened to your daughter, but if something traumatic has happened that may even harder to talk about than the self harming.
I would advise being there for her, don't make it about yourself or how worried / scared you are. Offer her help, if you can get her counselling I think that would be great.
good luck

The reason for contacting school is a safeguarding one. They can watch after her carefully, make a note of mood changes, see if it's anything school related that's causing this. Surely whatever is causing your DD distress you want stopped?

School will also be able to give you much needed support, directing you to the right places etc.

You can keep it low drama and still open dialogue with the school.

Just so you’re aware there are a lot of self harm pages out there too, especially on Instagram, that glamourise SH. If you don’t already it might be worth a look at what she’s consuming on SM.

This is how I feel. Because IT ISN'T NORMAL. So the "cool" parents on here not wanting anyone to say anything - it's not OK. We cannot continue to let young people hide in their rooms on social media with this hugely influential damaging behaviour acting out in front of them. I am (single) parent to a teenage boy. We do spend time together for meals and key TV programmes (where we can laugh - Taskmaster, HIGNFT, Mock the week, etc) and as part of that time challenge and discuss how life is going. I also ask "challenging " questions in a "caring" way - normally around the spots! But I ask about his friends - how they are doing? We include for days/events out and make sure that the more vulnerable friends are positively included. Yes the awkward ones, the ones with issues, etc. I am doing my best to ensure my child knows I am real, with him, supporting him. It's not perfect. But we keep going.

Thank you all. So much lovely advice and so many kind words. I feel slightly less distraught than earlier.

It’s impossible to know whether it’s been done almost out of curiosity (like @ElectedOnThursday said but more eloquently than me!), almost like she’s seen stuff on Instagram and decided to see what that’s all about….or if there’s a serious, underlying problem. It’s impossible to know. And we’ve got to go with the latter really, because as parents what else can you do…the risk of disregarding something is too great.

My DD2 did this and DSD did it a lot too. It's very common but don't ignore it. Pay for her to see a psychiatrist or psychologist asap.

Dd went once. DSD is still going 3 years on. Some kids need a lot of support.

I spoke to a charity called Young Minds this morning and they were absolutely incredible. I can’t speak of them highly enough. They gave some clear, compassionate and professional advice on where to go from here. I feel much less alone with this now, and I just wanted to share in case anyone else is struggling with this. We spoke for nearly an hour and they were most amazing.

That’s wonderful @Lucyjess, well done for finding help so quickly and for sharing the contact. Sending very best wishes x

Your message was so great too @ElectedOnThursday. I screenshotted it to keep on my phone and refer back to!

It also made me feel so glad I hadn’t rushed to other people for advice. I nearly asked a friend yesterday whose daughter had had similar struggles and another friend who is a teacher. I was so upset and floundering around, trying to work out what to do. Speaking to a trained professional was just so different though. A whole different ball game to panicking and WhatsApping a friend with a garbled message …😳

I'm really glad you've had some good advice already. Do you mind saying what they've suggested as next steps, and who else to talk to?

For what it's worth the only way I've "judged" people for having self-harm scars is to feel sad they must have been through a difficult time in their life.

Thanks for posting that you had a good experience with Young Minds, I'll give that a go too

@sevenbyseven I’ll message you. As I named them, it feels a bit wierd paraphrasing what they said all over the internet (just in case I get anything wrong or misinterpret their words).

There is a link to their advice page posted upthread