Demanding parents. How do I navigate this.

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My parents can be demanding for my time. They are both in their early 70s. They retired 10 years ago and moved abroad. Both got part time work for spending money and lived a lovely life. they come back to U.K. for a few months a year to town I grew up in and just sit there.

My younger sister lives in south of England and me in the north we both work busy jobs and my sister has a family. Family home is around 3 hours aways from me and 10 from my sister driving. when they come back to U.K. they never come to visit us, despite both of us living in our areas for over 20 years. My parents have visited 3 times to me. Slightly more to my sister as they have 3 grand kids there. They except us to use our annual leave to visit them few times a year and get annoyed if I chose to go on holiday somewhere else. I do visit once a year for a week, but would like to experience other parts of the world too.

They have just bought a flat in U.K. a hour from where my sister lives and are planning to come back to U.K. to live permanently soon. They expect me to visit every month - but it’s not really doable for weekends off due to trains, and area they live. Their solution is to take a long weekend annual leave every month

Christmas is worse as they expect me to visit. I work in healthcare and even tho I get the back holidays off not always Christmas Eve. This means I end up driving through the night to spend Christmas with them and leave boxing day lunch to get gone for work next day. I invited them to me one Christmas and they hated it.

They are become really demanding with phone calls and texts. When they are working they are too busy to call. But when not working, demand via texts I call all the time and have to use video calls. This got worst during lockdown where I was working lots and they weren’t. They expected daily calls during the day when I was working. I do call them weekly but they want to spend at least 2 hours on the phone. Which I do.

i spoke to them last week and they knew I am incredibly busy at work and social life for next 3 weeks - 2 friends weddings and a massive project at work with lots of work social events. Said I would call next week but it would be a shorter 30 mins call. they were not happy and in their words I couldn’t carve out time for the old people.

Now receiving texts like we haven’t heard from you in ages (had sent them a text that morning) Are you alive? (Called them that day) We need to tell you something important (needed to tell me the car got fixed). If you love me you will call me! Phoning me 5 times in a row during work hours where I texted back saying was in a meeting was it important? They replied call us urgently. Left meeting thinking something had happened. (Just wanted a chat and was only way).

I have spoken in the past that I do keep in touch and it’s getting too much with the demanding texts. I have tried texting daily this just means they text constantly and demand replies. Call more often for shorter times, but they expect long calls every time. Explained busy (currently work 50 hrs week) but they don’t understand. However, when they work always get told don’t disturb as too busy!!

We are not close as a family. They were workaholics growing up, so didn’t see them much and taught us to be independent early on. As my partner says, they always put themselves first and don’t think of others.

I do love them, but can’t be in constant contact or react to their demanding texts. They are not like that with my sister as she has kids. As I have none they think I am still a teenager.

what do I do?

It’s very simple you need to tell them their demands for your time are unreasonable and that you have a life outside of being their daughter. Their expectations of you are far too high. They still think they’re in loco parentis where they get to organise your time and boss you around. They’re not.

Tell them what you’re willing to do and what you’re not, and tell them they’re stressing you with their constant demands 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Cuppasoupmonster i have done. We had a massive argument about it a few months ago. She now texts asking for an appointment.

So stick to your guns! Ignore the dramatic attention seeking messages, phone once a week at a set time and make it clear you’ll see them when it’s convenient to you. Stay calm, repeat yourself if necessary, don’t be dragged into drama or obligation.

Absolutely this. If you keep caving in to their demands they will keep demanding. You just say no, set your boundaries and Stick To Them. Go LC. Been there, done that, life is way better!

Don't engage with the drama. Keep asserting that you don't have the time they are demanding. Give what you are prepared and able to offer.

Hopefully once they're properly settled in the UK they'll find things to do with their time. And presumably being closer to your sister they'll see her and grandkids more.

There seems no pont in having a sensible discussion with them so Id say you're best to establish a routine and stick to it. Decide what you're happy with for example a text everyday at 4pm asking how they are and how their day has been, with at most 2 replies to a conversation plus a 30 min call on Wednesdays and an hour call on Sundays. Then any communication you receive at other times reply with 'I'll text you tonight' or ' I'll call you on Wednesday' and repeat that exact reply if they continue to contact you.

They won't be happy, they may call you a terrible daughter, you'll have to accept this. Stick to the timetable and they'll get used to it.

Do the same for visits. Decide what will work and tell them when you can visit then say you can't at other times.

Be as generous with your time as you can, but decide what the limit is and stick to if.

Obviously be aware that they may have increasingly practical needs that you may need to help with, but 'help' is doing research and ensuring they're getting the support they need not dashing across the country every 5 minutes.

It’s the attention seeking behaviour that I can’t cope with. They can never see other people’s views. Ironically they cut off their sisters and brothers as they said their behaviour was unacceptable. what I gather was they wanted money and only contacted them when they wanted something.

last year due to covid isolation I had to cancel Christmas last minute. The fallout was crazy. It’s not my fault I had been exposed. But was told I should have isolated for 3 weeks before Xmas!!

Trouble is they are demanding so much that there is no way you can satisfy them whilst remaining sane yourself. So I would choose your own happiness.

Do you already turn off notifications? Have them on mute etc? Just reading about this onslaught of messaging makes me feel ill.

As others have said. Think about what you genuinely want to give them and if that's once a month then fine. And do it.

OP,

Forget about them and start focusing on yourself.
Your reaction to them tells me you desperately need to get into some counselling to learn to assert yourself within your relationship with them.

They have always been deeply selfish people, wrapped up in THEIR needs.

Why would you expect them to be other than what they have always been?.

You cannot control them, their behaviour or demands.

What you can successfully change is your response to their behaviour.
That is your power here.

This isn't about love and regard for you.
They are deeply controlling, selfish people, and you should not EVER expect that to change.

What you can do is recalibrate your relationship so that you give only what suits you.

No monthly visits.
No Christmas.
No two hour calls.
No responding to hysterical texts.

Imagine they are tantruming toddlers.
How do you manage them?

You ignore the behaviour you don't like.

Be so happy they don't live near you.

You need to focus on the future you want, exactly how much involvement you want, and lay down the boundaries now.

Selfish people get worse as they age.
So deal with this now.

They know exactly how they want to be treated re their work, but don't give a damn about your career and how busy you are.

That is not love.
They don't sound loving.
It doesn't surprise me that you are not close.

Parents like yours bring enormous stress to the lives of their children.

You really have a choice here, that is, to not accept their demands.

A period of very low contact might get the message across, because at the moment they read as if they are spoiled bullys demanding their own way.

If they want to play that game, let them. Make an 'appointment' for a chat. Eventually they'll stop seeing it as an appointment (because pettiness only lasts if somebody reacts to it) and just see it as a regular time for a call.

Incessant calls/texts - 'Hi DP, I'll call you at 6 when I finish work' and repeat, and repeat.
Visits - Hi DP, I can visit you either the xxth or the xxth next month, which suits you?
Don't be drawn into their unreasonable demands. Why do you have to talk on the phone for 2 hours? It's not an endurance test!

First thing you need to do is block them from your phone during the day so you won't get their text messages. Just reading about your parents made me feel anxious. They sound a bit unhinged, honestly.

1. No matter what you do, it won't be good enough. Stop trying to please them. You won't.
2. Figure out how much you need to give for you, not them, to feel you are being reasonable. Then do that and no more. If one call a week and a weeks visit a year is right for you, then that is the right answer. Remember, it will never be enough for them.
3. Tell them the plan and don't try to justify it. Just say you need to do what is right for you, just as they need to do what is right for them. You are all adults. Don't get drawn in when they tantrum and try to provoke you. Just say that's how things will work now you're back in the UK and if they don't want to accept your visit or call then that is their choice. It is really important to ignore the taunts and not rise to it when they seek attention, literally don't reply to them. You've explained and that is enough.

I really feel for you as this is a horrible situation no parents should put their child in. Agree with pp that you need to view them as tantruming toddlers and set clear firm boundaries which you stick to.

What is manageable for you in terms of contact and visits. Do that and then let them demand away.

They can’t actually force you, you just have to find away to deal with your own uncomfortable feelings around their reactions to being disappointed, angry, frustrated whatever. You are not responsible for their feelings however you are responsible for managing and learning to deal with your own discomfort around them and their behaviour. They make you feel bad, you cannot deal with those feelings so you acquiesce to their demands, that is what needs to change. Btw I absolutely appreciate the discomfort of dealing with their negative behaviour it is very tough.

I find my friend retired op they think u have tons of spare time. Just do what you can. Ignore the texts. I call to my mam saturday I dont get over mid week with work. Thats all I can do.

The more you do, the more they will demand.

Just keep saying no - repeatedly.
Stop answering texts and calls - if necessary, block the number.
Book yourself some work shifts over Xmas, so the decision about what to do is made and cannot be changed.

Your parents have to live their own lives - they are NOT your responsibility and it's not your job to entertain them.

I agree. You’ve trie negotiating, youve trued being reasonable and nothing has worked .

So you can only say what you can offer and stock to it. Be prepare for hoovering and flying monkeys.

Get yourself some counselling first before you do anything.

Don’t phone if they leave dramatic messages-boy who cried wolf and all that. I have my phone on silent for work so I can choose to check when it’s convenient. I refuse to be a slave to a phone/other people’s demands. The more you answer their demands, the more they’ll do it. Their attitude is really shit.

They don’t see you as a person. They think you are an extension of them - or a thing that they own. They sound awful. Have they always been so monstrously selfish?

They have to a point been selfish. They are generous with gifts etc, but time they just assume as children we will visit. They never have asked to visit, always waiting to be invited. I have said to them to just tell me when they are free to visit and I will make time or I have to say I am free on this date come down.

If they don’t get their own way they become childish. It’s draining that I contact them and spend 2 hours of small talk, but the guilty trip follow up texts, it’s not enjoyable. I should want to speak to my parents.

They are not that generous re gifts either, people like your parents can and often do use gifts as a means of exerting further power and control over their now adult children. Such are more than not loaded with a whole heap of litigation attached to the gift.

Boundaries are also very much disliked by your parents and they will actively rail against any you try and set them.

You cannot change them but you can change how you react to them

Ultimately you will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

Obligation not litigation.

I think your partner nailed it succinctly - they put themselves first and don't think of others.

Yes, you should want to speak to your parents - their behaviour is making that increasingly impossible. We've had this from both sides, it is utterly infuriating and draining at the same time.

You need to decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. They are highly likely to not like these boundaries at all and find ways around them - hold firm! It gets easier enforcing them. I remember being utterly shocked when my counsellor suggested that I don't answer the door to mine when they arrived unannounced with some drama-tale [during the working day (work from home) when they have been told and then asked not to do this so many times]. Now I am shocked that I ever found that shocking!

When they are back in the UK I would make sure that things are even in terms of visiting - they visit you as much as you visit them, arrange to meet up half way etc. as often as is truly manageable and if that is once a year, then it is once a year.

You need the calls blacklist app, just add your parents'telephone numbers to it, you have a choice of what times you want to block them including times from and as well as days.

Its a temporary block.

As you are working in healthcare which us more than stressful at the moment, I understand you need a solution quickly.

Hope this helps.