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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? (would go on AIBU but feeling a bit to shaky for the straight talking there)

55 replies

Doingdoingdont · 15/10/2022 21:53

This seems so petty typing it up sorry in advance if it's long but I don't want to miss details .

Tonight ordered a takeaway, only had £50 note in the house (which I got in a bday card in summer this year) so specifically called the shop to ask if driver would accept this as DH said they wouldn't take 50, girl said no problem so I placed the order. Waited ages, when driver turned up with food he refused the £50 as it is not a plastic note, now never usually seeing/using a £50 note I didn't even think of this. Embarrassing, but no big deal, except I didn't answer the door it was DH. He is so angry, saying I made him answer the door deliberately as I was "fly as fuck" and that he told me they wouldn't take it as it was paper but he didn't he told me that they wouldn't take a £50, he said nothing about plastic notes. He was in a rage telling me I never admit I'm wrong when I tried to explain I had checked with the takeaway. He was so viscous and keeps going on and on about it. He is so angry. I came upstairs to stay away from him so the DCs don't see me upset which he says is me making him the bad guy.

He says the shop will bill us now so I phoned to explain and apologise but the owner answered and was really belligerent (I can see his point he has sent out an order only to have to take it back) but he was so horrible and told me I was "stupid" for not mentioning it was a paper note and no one takes them now. For the record DC got a similar £50 about the same time from the same person and spent it in a shop not long ago.

I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Createausernamehere · 15/10/2022 23:23

You are absolutely 100% not being unreasonable and your husband is an abusive nasty piece of work

you sensibly rang to clarify and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind about the paper/plastic issue and it clearly didn’t your DHs either. He is now blaming you when he knows he also got that wrong.
The description of him in a rage and staking you to repeatedly berate you is horrible and really upsetting to hear so I imagine the experience is a million times worse

Love do you need to talk to someone about this? About how he behaves when he drinks? It doesn’t sound at all healthy. Please get some support from a domestic violence charity. They are there to listen.

Discovereads · 15/10/2022 23:25

WeepingSomnambulist · 15/10/2022 23:21

The OP's behaviour could also not be a one off. Her husband said that she never admits when she is wrong. That could be true, or it could be something he just said in anger. But if it is true, then maybe this is just the last straw for him.

My ex was like that. Never admitted fault and never apologised. He is actually trying to actively teach out sons not to apologise. Total headfuck.

Living with someone who will not admit fault and will not apologise, even over small, stupid things, is horrible. And I could understand having a mad outburst if at the end of my tether.

Yes. I have had the same. And this person was also an ordained priest so not only were they never wrong, but God was always on their side. Complete head fuck.

Monty27 · 15/10/2022 23:25

DP tried to tell you and you didn't listen.
Didn't you know about the cut off date with the banks OP?

HollyJollypup · 15/10/2022 23:27

Pixiedust1234 · 15/10/2022 23:18

@Discovereads - the op rang the restaurant to check if they would accept it. They said yes.

Im so sorry OP, you seem to be caught in the middle and you tried to do it right. I can offer nothing else except sympathy. Take the note to your bank as soon as possible as they will start refusing it at some point too.

they said yes To a £50 note…. Not one that’s not in bloody circulation anymore!

jonesy1999 · 15/10/2022 23:28

I didn't know paper notes went out of circulation. That wouldn't have even crossed my mind. You are definitely not being stupid.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole, and the takeaway sound very unprofessional - go elsewhere next time Flowers

lottiegarbanzo · 15/10/2022 23:29

Clearly OP did not know about the cut-off date for paper notes and nobody mentioned paper/plastic. They were discussing denominations only.

HollyJollypup · 15/10/2022 23:31

I hope you will still pay for the food you made the takeaway waste!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2022 23:45

I'd be furious with DP if he was daft enough to accept payments in £50 notes in the first place, as they've always been a bastard to get places to accept assuming it's not dodgy note in any case.

However, I notice you're saying he isn't drinking tonight. I'm guessing that's because you haven't had the money. Is he feeling the withdrawals, perhaps?

monsteramunch · 15/10/2022 23:46

DH was literally following me about the house to tell me he told me they wouldn't accept it. He is in a horrible rage with me.

He's a bully.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a bully.

Especially if I had children.

monsteramunch · 15/10/2022 23:48

Monty27 · 15/10/2022 23:25

DP tried to tell you and you didn't listen.
Didn't you know about the cut off date with the banks OP?

If a partner tries to tell the other they're wrong about something and are proven right, you think the below is acceptable behaviour?

DH was literally following me about the house to tell me he told me they wouldn't accept it. He is in a horrible rage with me.

Cleotolstoy · 16/10/2022 07:08

The way your husband behaves isn't normal. We're all humans making mistakes like this. There was no malice in it but it seems he is intent on you feeling/carrying some sort of 'badness'. My husband has never made me cry when I've made an innocent mistake. I would have a think a out what it says about his character that he has this drive in him. Hold fast op.

MozzarellaMonster · 16/10/2022 07:49

How would you have reacted had your husband made this mistake?
I think personally it's an easy mistake to make and not one worth going on and on about once it's been done, at most my reaction would be "bloody hell that was embarrassing but next time we'll know and then right what are we doing about dinner now?"
I think your DH sounds like a cock to keep making you feel bad about an honest mistake 🤷🏻‍♀️

Beefcurtains79 · 16/10/2022 07:57

jonesy1999 · 15/10/2022 23:28

I didn't know paper notes went out of circulation. That wouldn't have even crossed my mind. You are definitely not being stupid.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole, and the takeaway sound very unprofessional - go elsewhere next time Flowers

How does the takeaway sound unprofessional? They can’t accept illegal tender and they are down the cost of the meal! The OP hasn’t mentioned reimbursing them I notice.

Arrivederla · 16/10/2022 08:01

Your dh is vile. How often does he behave like this?

jonesy1999 · 16/10/2022 08:14

@Beefcurtains79, the belligerent attitude is unprofessional, surely?

I would have thought there would have been other options for the OP to have kept the food and made payment some other way either that evening or the next day. I don't see that there was any reason to take the food back, and for it to probably go to waste, due to an honest mistake.

ThinkingForEveryone · 16/10/2022 08:21

@jonesy1999 if every takeaway dropped off food and waited for payment the next day they would go out of business pretty quickly, they don't know it is an honest mistake - OP could be a chancer after a free meal for all they know!

HollyJollypup · 16/10/2022 08:26

jonesy1999 · 16/10/2022 08:14

@Beefcurtains79, the belligerent attitude is unprofessional, surely?

I would have thought there would have been other options for the OP to have kept the food and made payment some other way either that evening or the next day. I don't see that there was any reason to take the food back, and for it to probably go to waste, due to an honest mistake.

What great business sense. NOT

sorrynotathome · 16/10/2022 08:28

Well you were a bit dim for not realising we’ve moved to new notes - but so is your partner. All the people saying “oh I never knew either so it’s fine” are also daft. You might just as well have offered up Monopoly money. You are also dim if you don’t understand how difficult it is to run a business and how frustrating when “customers” rip you off. That food you wasted costs money.

Januarytoes · 16/10/2022 08:52

You can change the old paper notes in a Post Office if you take some ID with you. The only went out of shop circulation in September and personally I didn't know until I read this and googled it. I work in a shop and I didn't know.

Use the £100 (yours and your child's £50) to leave. He sounds intolerable. Don't spend your birthday money on buying him a takeaway.

A normal person would have felt sorry about this mistake and tried to fix it, not had a stupid tantrum and bullied you.

Also the takeaway place, they have obviously instructed their drivers about it so if a customer rings to ask if they will accept a £50, why didn't they say "yes but only the plastic ones" ? Also they could have taken it and changed it at a Post Office themselves?

You had two unreasonable people to deal with last night. Think today if you want to carry on with your H who is rude and unhelpful.
This would be too much for me I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour.

Miajk · 16/10/2022 09:17

Monty27 · 15/10/2022 23:25

DP tried to tell you and you didn't listen.
Didn't you know about the cut off date with the banks OP?

Her DP never said anything about the note being paper or out of circulation. He jus thought a note as high as 50 wouldn't be accepted.

He was wrong as they did accept 50.

Neither him or OP realised the note isn't legal tender which is a separate issue.

WeepingSomnambulist · 16/10/2022 11:34

@Januarytoes

Her son has already spent his £50.

It really isnt the restaurants job to check that customers know what is legal tender and what isnt.

If someon asks if you'll accept a £20, they dont say "yes, but only plastic." In England, they also dont say, "yes, but not a Scottish note." Because they expect people to know that. They expected her to know that it had to be a valid £50 note.

If you work in a shop and dont know about the change from paper to plastic then you've got crappy managers.

sorrynotathome · 17/10/2022 10:19

There shouldn’t be an issue offering a Scottish bank note in an English shop. It’s only fear & ignorance on the part of staff that can make it a problem. Presumably staff like the PP who works in a shop but doesn’t know paper £50 notes aren’t legal tender any more.

WeepingSomnambulist · 17/10/2022 10:24

As a Scottish person who visits England a lot, there is almost always an issue.

There shouldn't be, but there is. They wont take them. So, if I were to ask if they'd accept a £50 note, and they say yes, I know they mean yes to an English note, not a Scottish one. Just like they mean yes to a plastic one, not a paper one. They said yes to a valid note, and expected the OP to know that they obviously wouldnt accept a note which is no longer legal money.

dodobookends · 17/10/2022 15:50

The issue with accepting Scottish notes for payment in some parts of England is that the staff probably don't see them from one year to the next, and can't tell a genuine one from a fake. Crooks take advantage of that. Once the owner of a business has been caught out by forgeries, they decide the safest option is to not accept them at all.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 17/10/2022 19:32

You are not stupid, you have a nasty husband problem. If I had done the same thing my DH would have gladly dealt with the delivery bloke and rung the restaurant to save me embarrassment, and would have comforted me to boot.

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