Any former DV victims out there who made and are living their best lives yet?

[stbew]

He hit me again today and something in me snapped and I kicked him back. He recorded me hitting him and reported me to the police. They've visited, asked him to leave and have referred me to social services because of the young children (1&3) who witnessed this. I'm beyond ashamed at retaliating but I just couldn't fucking take it anymore. He's gone but I'M left feeling guilty like I'm the one to blame. Neighbours have reported us previously for hearing him shout and swear at me but I've not wanted to ruin his career (which requires an enhanced disclosure) so have always let things go. This time I want to ruin the bastard. I won't because the children love him and my eldest one is a bag of anxiety tonight at why daddy shouted and hit mummy and whether or not he'll ever see him again and if he still loves the DC, etc.

I'm petrified of going it alone. I can't afford our mortgage on my own and the children's nursery fees. I don't want to sell the house we're in because it's what me and the DC need- stability and security- but he's mentioned previously that if I ever tell the authorities about the abuse, he'll ruin me. And I have no doubt he'll try his hardest to. Has anyone ever left/divorced an abusive bastard and lived to tell the tale and made a success of their lives? I'm a qualified professional with a title who works in child protection but I've become the stereotypical DV victim and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like I should've known better.

I will be fully cooperating with the authorities and will inform nursery about what's happened at home but I feel like him capturing me kicking him back will work against me. He's got himself a fake diagnosis of depression to, in his own words, make him 'untouchable' and I feel like I'll pay the price. Need reassurance and experiences of others that'll give me hope. I've been brave all day and have now sat down after a long day and I can't stop crying that I've ruined mine and the children's lives.

Sorry- title should've read made it and living their best lives yet**

Yes. My ex was an abusive, narcissistic twat. He went around telling everyone, including my parents, that I'll fall apart without him, that I'll need keeping an eye on and that I should give my parents my share from the house otherwise I'll spend all my money. By the end of marriage I didn't recognise myself and I'm a professional, intelligent woman.

I put my share of the equity from the house into savings, 6 months rent and some furniture. Then found myself a flat just as my tenancy was coming to an end. Personally I think houses are just bricks and mortar, I found it nice starting again in a new place. My place not our place.

My ex on the other hand has spent all his money, has nothing to show for it. Goes from job to job and is basically a loser with a coke habit, lives like a person from one of those how clean is your house programs. He blames his 'depression' on everything

I can't deny it hasn't been tough. I changed jobs, joined a gym, started getting in shape, my confidence grew, did some dating, realised I can get decent men. I went on holiday this year with friends and my best friend turned round and said the old me is back.

I came back from that holiday and just thought sod it let's go and get the job I want. I love travel and everything to do with it (including being a massive plane geek) so I went and found a job in the travel industry.

You can do it and you'll get much better off without him.

I'm 6wks free from my abusive ex. His own sister reported him to the police and the day he got arrested me and our child had to leave our home because only his name was on the mortgage. Its been the most horrendous 6wks but we are settled in our new place and hopefully things are on the up even though i've got a long road to heal and a police investigation looming over me. If i can do this then so can you and you will be so much better off without him

I promise you can do this and you’ll be so much happier on the other side, as will your children.

Report everything he has done to you. Call Women’s Aid for advice, do not engage with him any further.

Sending you a huge hug x

Yes, and I wish you lots of luck. I will say now, it can take YEARS to sort everything out. But that doesn't mean it takes years to feel any better...

To cut a very long story short, it took 8 years for my ex to even start to leave me alone. Good job I didn't know that when I left! We (children and I) went to a refuge. Occupation order to get back in to my house. Non molestation order. Immediately filed for divorce.

For 8 years he: phoned the police to say I was hitting/starving the children. Phoned social services. They would drive round, check and drive away again.

I did some voluntary work in a primary school. He noticed a vacancy for a governor and applied. No one else applied so he was appointed. The school actually went to another governor (superintendent in the police) to try and find a way to get rid of him. They couldn't...

He took me to court 30+ times about anything he could conjure up. He went for sole residency and would send so many solicitors letters that sometimes 2 would arrive on the same day. He could get legal aid as he never worked once we were married. He hasn't worked since I left (2005) to avoid paying child maintenance.

He was a crap dad when he did see them. Unsuitable films shown, sent them home filthy and without vital things (like shoes) which I had to replace. Lots of emotional abuse like telling them about "suicide attempts" and showing them my engagement ring.

But! The children got older and their opinions held more weight. Sometimes, he'd decide not to see them for a year or 2. He moved in a heroin addict whose children were in care so my children couldn't visit for 2 years, until he treated her so badly that she left him as well. My youngest hasn't had any contact for 5 years.

I lived almost on fresh air for years. For the first 18 months, I had £15 a week budget for 3 of us. It was literally saving nectar points for the Christmas shop, accepting meals at relation's houses, eating foraged fruit etc. Days out were paddling in the river, camping in the garden and going to the library.

But there is no comparison with having to live with someone like that.

Yes! Im four years out. My children are happy, I work full time but I've been promoted and have a better job than I could ever imagine. Do it, don't look back. You've got this x

I left my violent, emotionally and financially abusive ex in 2011. He told me I'd be in the gutter, bankrupt and single forever as no man wants a woman with another man's kids.

In the end it boiled down to the above being better than spending another minute with him.

In 2014 I met the love of my life. My soul mate. He said he was very happy I had kids because he loves kids and always wanted to be a father. We married two years ago.

He has filled these last 8 years with love, laughter, unconditional love and support and friendship. He is cracking in bed and absolutely gorgeous. I could never have imagined a more beautiful soul to spend my life with.

We are expecting our first child together in the next 2 or 3 weeks.

We honestly couldn't be happier if we tried.

So yes. Always hold on to hope because a better life is always possible if you leave. Never possible if you stay.

Oh by the way, my ex is still single. So no other woman has to suffer his vile temper or controlling ways.

Yes, had sw involved which resulted in me been suspended from my job even although sw had no concerns with my parenting but concerns were around his abuse, alcohol use and mental health sw and union were great, got job back, did a couple of post grad qualifications got a couple of promotions. Me and dc are doing great. Dc had minimal contact with ex for a few years, no maintenance, and he died 5 years or so ago. I can't describe to you the difference in my life now but can only encourage you to separate and to build yourself back up.

I was in a refuge for 9 months this year.
I've recently moved into my new home 5 counties away from him.

It's early days yet but so far so good.
I struggle with getting used to making decisions on my own & im not very sociable within my new community. But for now I'm safe and happy!
My daughter has flourished since leaving.

As hard as it was leaving everything I owned and knew, it's been the best thing over ever done

I was in a refuge for 6 months after leaving exH.
Now, I have a lovely peaceful and respectful home where I live without any fear. My children grew up with little contact with exH and now choose to be no contact. I met the love of my life in my forties and - whilst I will never live with a man again - I am truly blessed to have such a love.
You can do this! There will be hard times, worrying days, tears, but there will also be hope and a gentle life. Be as forthcoming as possible with all official agencies and I really send you all the best.

Yes. I'm 20 years free now. It has been a long journey - I lost everything financially, lost my career, my cat most of my friends, the city I'd lived in. I ended up walking away with DS and whatever I could fit in the boot of a car. Was v lucky - my dad lived down south so took me in. Ex proved to be actually pretty useless and never really tried to contact us although I believe he lambasted me as a child stealing bitch who ruined his life to anyone who would listen.

Took me five years to be able to date again. Now have amazing family, lovely home, job I love. Ex has a criminal record and drugs habit. I sort of hope the mutual friends who took his side feel bloody stupid now.

First off — you kicked him in self defence, he hit you first—- what else could you do?
My exh was more threatening that physically violent, it was more emotional abuse. He bled me dry financially, luckily my dc weren’t his and they were in boarding school ( teens, provided for separately from me) so fortunately didn’t witness much of his behaviour. But after being threatened with rape, been put in several potentially dangerous and some embarrassing situation by him, he threatened to kill me. Then said he wouldn’t kill me, just make my life so miserable I’d wish I was dead. I managed to get a job 200 miles away without him knowing, waited until he was at work ( nerve wracking as he often didn’t bother going for days at a time) and chucked as much in the car as I could and went. Job paid good money and I started up my own business as a sideline that became the full time job. Made enough to pay off my mortgage in less than 10 years. Retired early 50s.
He died of his addiction before he was 50, no job, virtually penniless.

I kicked my abusive ex out in 1998, I barely give him a moments thought anymore, at the time I thought I wouldn't survive. I have no regrets about getting rid of him.

Nervous breakdown after his 20 year abuse. Patenting alone. Freedom Programme and Antidepressants Holiday alone to build my confidence then Access course, working part time alongside university degree then a career in social work. He's still a cunt.

and the children's nursery fees

If you drop to just low enough wage to qualify for any universal credit, you get 85 pc of CC fees paid, up to a cap of about 1600 (pls check cause that's appropriate) per month.

You'd only have to do that til they got to school and you could use breakfast club and after school club/hop club to get from 9 to 5 (or absolutely minimal CC time).

*pls check cause that's approximate

I have. You haven't ruined your life or DC lives. It's all words of abuse, mental torture, what he's saying. He's not there but he hasn't stopped! That's how it is.

Don't not do things because you're scared of his revenge. If he's feeling vengeful he'll do it anyway regardless of what you do. The police are on your side. They can see you snapped and why. Didn't arrest you did they but they did ask him to leave.

Your life will get better.

He's trying to make you feel he has power over you. He doesn't, unless you let him back into your life. His power just ended and he doesn't like it!

Keep in mind that no good father treats the mother of their DC this way. So if they never see him again it's fine because whatever harm that may cause it's likely better than the harm if continuing to be exposed to his nasty side.

Selfish people like him never seem that interested in their DC anyway, because DC aren't them. Only interested in them as s way to pay less maintenance or to get at you. So whether he wants contact or not, don't give him a reaction, act ok with it and make the best of it.

You've got a good foundation with a home and job. The DC are small so won't be messed up mentally forever more by him, like they may have been if you stayed together until they're older. You can demonstrate to them what a good life and relationships looks like now.

Same year as I got rid of mine .

Op , you can and will get through this , I was an emotional wreck for a while but once I pulled myself together (it took a couple of years) I went to university and retrained , my ex said I would be nothing without him and this spurred me on. It was tough at times but infinitely better than being with him . I now own my house , have nice holidays and best of all I'm physically and emotionally safe .

You can do this.
I left years ago in the middle of the night with my 2 month old baby and a rucksack of stuff I had managed to hide.
It's scary and difficult but my god the relief when you are free is amazing.

We lived in shitty housing for a while and it takes time to build up a life again, especially if you leave with nothing.
But now, we live in a bright, dry flat with pictures on the walls and food in the cupboards. I still get a little flutter of excitement when I get to make choices, we painted our living room bright yellow and we have a big comfy sofa. There is no shouting and no bruises and broken bones. Nobody touches me unless I want them to.
My baby grew up safe and loved in a home where she didn't have to be scared. We got to go and do things when we wanted, I could take her swimming and to the cinema, we go outside everyday and I don't have to ask permission. We have friends and got to see my family again and she got more love from them than she would ever have gotten from him.
There is so much more space in my head to be presesnt for her, knowing that all the time, we are okay and we don't have to go back. She has had a very happy childhood, despite all the difficult bits when we had first gotten away.
I have no regrets about leaving- and I don't beat myself up anymore for it taking me as long as it did. Getting away is so hard, staying away is hard but it is possible and it is so worth it when you do.

He hit you, you defended yourself and he called the police on you? He is a bastard. Please, please leave him. Your children and you deserve better.

The head space they take up. You don't realise how much until they're not in there any more. Which takes time.

I'm another who filled up the car and left while he was at work. I knew he'd try to talk me round if he was there and I might give in, which I didn't want to happen.

The best thing after was not being lonely. I'm happy in my own company (and I'd managed to take my pets too) but I always felt lonely when he was there because of how much he ignored me. He'd be in the same room ignoring me like I didn't exist, but if I phoned a friend or got on with a solo activity he'd seek me out after 15min and ruin the experience by being annoying. I realise now it was to isolate me.

It's lovely having my own home now with nobody saying "if you don't like it you know where the door is" after picking an argument over nothing. The house was his which in the end made it easier for me to leave. Having a new place without the memories in was a positive thing. I always thought I never liked being home and had to always be out as much as possible, but it turned out that's because he was there. I love being home now and don't go out much at all.

I got back to being me. Realised I'd been putting up with so much stuff I didn't like. It was easier not to say anything or go against him. I didn't even realise I was doing that at the time. I had to get used to asking myself what do I want to do and listening to my own answer. Even little things like which park to go to or what to have for tea. I cherish every little bit of freedom. And I've got more energy now he's not draining me dragging me down constantly.

It's funny how all the things they say will happen to you is things that happen to them. They think everyone is like them and put their own fears and weaknesses onto you. In reality you thrive, they sink.

I think that you can take so much before snapping. The reality is that you have now snapped. Your not going to put up with his abuse any longer. He thinks he is smart but in reality he really is a idiot.
He has a job where he can't have a criminal record. Meanwhile he thinks you're going to hang around and take his physical and mental abuse.
How would he like if his boss was to find out about the recent police visit he had to his home?
I don't think that will look to good in his job.
I gather up all your and his financial details and get legal advice on getting a divorce. I ring woman's aid, explain the situation and they can advise you further.

Don't leave the house. I start to record everything and keep notes of what he says and does to you. Call the police if you have to especially if he uses physical violence. Gets photos of this.

I would be planning to get him out of the house as soon as possible. I know it won't be easy but if you don't his abuse will get worse. He could end up seriously injuring you. What happens if he takes his bad humour out on one of the kids?
In a few years time do you want your kids giving you verbal abuse because they seen and heard him doing this?
Your kids deserve a happy childhood and you want a happier and better life without his abuse.

Yes. In the end it was actually him that left me as he's a cheating cunt as well as an abusive, narcissistic twat. After 6 weeks I could breathe again, after six months he tried to destroy me again as he hated that I was doing well without him. That's when he confessed the cheating but by then I didn't care as I knew that said more about him than it did about me.

6 years on I have my own new home, I've dated and had a lot of fun but it would take a lot for me to want a full on relationship again. It's still hard, being a single parent, being mentally and financially responsible for it all takes its toll at times. But I'm no longer a shell of a person, walking on eggshells all the time. I'm confident, and very happy with my own company. I've never felt this strong in 20 years of adult life before he left (9 pre him and 11 with him). I wouldn't change it for the world, only wish I'd been strong enough to leave myself years before. He's a fat, alcoholic who lurches from one doomed relationship to the next with girls half his age who are only interested in his money (self-employed in a cash in hand industry and lies to the cms!)

I wouldn't swap for all the money in the world.

Yep. Two and a half years out. Reported mine to the police, got him arrested and out of the house. Not had any dealings since. Got a job (not allowed before), just got a small promotion. Even on the worst days now when I really don't fancy getting out of bed, still better than the previous life. Got a car, made friends. Doing all sorts of things that would never have been 'allowed' before. Utter liberation.

Yep. I left with the clothes on my back after he picked me up by the throat.

Now happily married to a wonderful man, bought a little house, got some cats, don't dread coming home after work. It can be done x