He hit me again today and something in me snapped and I kicked him back. He recorded me hitting him and reported me to the police. They've visited, asked him to leave and have referred me to social services because of the young children (1&3) who witnessed this. I'm beyond ashamed at retaliating but I just couldn't fucking take it anymore. He's gone but I'M left feeling guilty like I'm the one to blame. Neighbours have reported us previously for hearing him shout and swear at me but I've not wanted to ruin his career (which requires an enhanced disclosure) so have always let things go. This time I want to ruin the bastard. I won't because the children love him and my eldest one is a bag of anxiety tonight at why daddy shouted and hit mummy and whether or not he'll ever see him again and if he still loves the DC, etc.
I'm petrified of going it alone. I can't afford our mortgage on my own and the children's nursery fees. I don't want to sell the house we're in because it's what me and the DC need- stability and security- but he's mentioned previously that if I ever tell the authorities about the abuse, he'll ruin me. And I have no doubt he'll try his hardest to. Has anyone ever left/divorced an abusive bastard and lived to tell the tale and made a success of their lives? I'm a qualified professional with a title who works in child protection but I've become the stereotypical DV victim and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like I should've known better.
I will be fully cooperating with the authorities and will inform nursery about what's happened at home but I feel like him capturing me kicking him back will work against me. He's got himself a fake diagnosis of depression to, in his own words, make him 'untouchable' and I feel like I'll pay the price. Need reassurance and experiences of others that'll give me hope. I've been brave all day and have now sat down after a long day and I can't stop crying that I've ruined mine and the children's lives.