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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone else has a shouty aggressive partner?

36 replies

Rukola · 15/10/2022 20:14

My DP is in his late 50s I am over a decade younger. He is very shouty in an aggressive way towards me. It has been developing for past 4 years. It started with him interrupting literally every sentence I would try to say. He would cut in and completely steer the conversation elsewhere. He also talks over me all the time. I am naturally soft and gentle person and I realised recently that I feel he is a bully. He very rarely apologises for his behaviour. Used to, but not anymore. There is a an intellectual gap between us which I never bring up because even when we met I was shy about my degree. He however often brings it up. I am also in a good finance situ which I noticed bothers him. I wonder if this is all connected. I often burst into tears when he shouts but he says to me he has no empathy gene so it doesn't make any difference to him. I read a lot about narcissists and recognise traits in him but not all. He is also the type of guy that is always right (even if he isn't) and very very argumentative. I have never met anyone so argumentative in my life. We had problems due to that. He has a good well paid job yet constantly moans about it, he moans about everything and everybody and listening to it each day is tiring. He also talks about money non stop. How much everything costs, how much he earns, how much he used to earn, how much this how much that. He will ask me why I am sad and if I tell him he starts shouting at me. I told him I am scared of him because he shouts at me and in response he shouts at me as for why am I scared of him? well because you shout at me. I just wonder is it normal for late 50s guys to behave like that. I feel I have been conditioned to this behaviour but feel I am getting very withdrawn with life and very sad.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2022 20:16

None of this is normal. You know that. Leave him. Your life will improve.

Minskie24 · 15/10/2022 20:19

He sounds like he is abusing you - this is not okay.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 20:30

You feel conditioned because you have indeed been conditioned. Your life will improve when he is no longer in your day to day life.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

HairyMothballs · 15/10/2022 20:32

Why the hell are you still with him? He makes you unhappy, talks over you, raises his voice, doesn't listen to you and doesn't care that his behaviour upsets you. GET RID, AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

Liz1tummypain · 15/10/2022 20:36

No that is certainly not normal. Sorry OP. You've got to do something about it. Would he do something about it- can you suggest anger management? but perhaps you are going to have to find a way to get away from him for good. Good luck :)

PurplRainDancer · 15/10/2022 20:38

HairyMothballs · 15/10/2022 20:32

Why the hell are you still with him? He makes you unhappy, talks over you, raises his voice, doesn't listen to you and doesn't care that his behaviour upsets you. GET RID, AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

This

You deserve better OP LTB

CrapBag39 · 15/10/2022 20:40

what would you tell a friend, sister, your mum if they said the things you’ve just told us?

LimpBiskit · 15/10/2022 20:41

Why are you still with him?

DramaAlpaca · 15/10/2022 20:42

I just wonder is it normal for late 50s guys to behave like that

No. No, it isn't. I'm married to a man of that age and he has never so much as raised his voice to me.

It's also not normal to be scared of your partner.

Please gather your self respect and leave him. You deserve a kind man who treats you well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 20:43

He does not need anger management, these types can control themselves around other people. He has a problem with anger, her anger, when she calls him out on his unreasonable behaviour.

It is for their woman, who they see primarily as their possession, that this is aimed at. Also such courses are no answer to domestic violence which is also what is being described here.

MumE78 · 15/10/2022 20:49

Jesus
This is abuse!
Call or message the National abuse helpline through their website

Trust me & contact them, best thing I ever did!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2022 20:51

Ask yourself why on earth you are tolerating this bullshit. You don't need this arsehole for anything. The only reason you are with him and miserable is because you are choosing to be. Make a different choice.

EmmaH2022 · 15/10/2022 20:55

you're just a whipping boy to him

please tell me you don't live together, in which case, getting rid of him will be straight forward.

Maray1967 · 15/10/2022 21:21

No. This is not normal for a man if his age - my DH is that age and if he behaved like that we would be finished. 30 years of marriage would be over because no one terrorises me.
please get rid of him for your safety and well being.

Colourmehappy26 · 15/10/2022 21:25

Why do you think you just tolerate this? Would you think it’s ok if you saw a friend’s husband behave this way to them? He’s abusive and horrible and you deserve more.

often women repeat patterns that they grew up with so they think is normal - might be worth thinking about your parents relationship in case that has any insight

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2022 23:47

Oh, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You have money. Use it to get the fuck away from the cunt.

billy1966 · 16/10/2022 00:01

No not normal at all.

He is abusive and you are his victim.

You can change that.

Pack your bags and get out.

Why are you staying?

Ring Women's aid for support.

But get out.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2022 00:11

Who cares if it’s normal for men in their 50s? Like seriously, if everyone said ‘yes, all men from 59-59 behave this way’ would you think ‘oh well I better stay with him.’

Even if every man in their 50s behaved this way it wouldn’t mean you need to tolerate it.

mrsfollowill · 16/10/2022 00:18

Bloody hell - what a twat he sounds- walk away - just leave. He adds nothing positive to your life and you owe him knack all. It's so not normal to be scared by your 'partner'- seriously you should feel loved and cherished and able to relax. just pack a bag and leave. Feel safe and calm- and then get the best solicitor you can afford to unpick the finances.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/10/2022 00:22

No, I don’t have a partner like that.

I have standards and a partner who meets them

You can do better, OP, and you certainly deserve better. It is not normal to treat someone you care about that way.

FrancescaContini · 16/10/2022 00:27

In a nutshell: he’s a c* and you should end it.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 16/10/2022 00:31

No, it’s not normal.
Why are you staying with him?

Rukola · 16/10/2022 00:59

@Cantthinkofanewnameatm I have no job atm. We are not married and to the outside we are a respected couple. I used to be high up in my career, he has a good job. It looks good to the outside world. If I told anyone what is going on no one would believe me. I keep a lid on everything and put up with it as I can not afford to rent anywhere atm and sustain myself. My family lives abroad. It is complicated. I am very unhappy. I spend my days and weekends looking for jobs, getting back to my career but now started sending application for anything. I sense he wants me to work but not earn too much just so he can control me. Cooked dinner tonight, lit candle (like I do every Saturday) and whilst eating all he had to say was moaning about price of petrol. I did not say a word but thought omg this is the romance right there for me! He did not say a word as for 'thank you it was delicious' I am a good cook (used to do it professionally) so the food is always good. Very sad.
Thank you all for your posts. I come here for sanity.

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 16/10/2022 08:28

Why are you with him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2022 08:42

Putting a lid on it and or put up with it are not doing and will not do you any favours.

Are you in the UK?

What happened to your career?.

How did you end up both jobless and with him; how did you get to this point?.