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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone else has a shouty aggressive partner?

36 replies

Rukola · 15/10/2022 20:14

My DP is in his late 50s I am over a decade younger. He is very shouty in an aggressive way towards me. It has been developing for past 4 years. It started with him interrupting literally every sentence I would try to say. He would cut in and completely steer the conversation elsewhere. He also talks over me all the time. I am naturally soft and gentle person and I realised recently that I feel he is a bully. He very rarely apologises for his behaviour. Used to, but not anymore. There is a an intellectual gap between us which I never bring up because even when we met I was shy about my degree. He however often brings it up. I am also in a good finance situ which I noticed bothers him. I wonder if this is all connected. I often burst into tears when he shouts but he says to me he has no empathy gene so it doesn't make any difference to him. I read a lot about narcissists and recognise traits in him but not all. He is also the type of guy that is always right (even if he isn't) and very very argumentative. I have never met anyone so argumentative in my life. We had problems due to that. He has a good well paid job yet constantly moans about it, he moans about everything and everybody and listening to it each day is tiring. He also talks about money non stop. How much everything costs, how much he earns, how much he used to earn, how much this how much that. He will ask me why I am sad and if I tell him he starts shouting at me. I told him I am scared of him because he shouts at me and in response he shouts at me as for why am I scared of him? well because you shout at me. I just wonder is it normal for late 50s guys to behave like that. I feel I have been conditioned to this behaviour but feel I am getting very withdrawn with life and very sad.

OP posts:
Heavenknows22 · 16/10/2022 09:17

I don’t know how you can live like that.

If you’re not married it will be easier to leave. Not sure why you are not working if you are in your forties and had a good career. Are there any children involved?

Have you got anyone who can help you make a plan?

bloodyeverlastinghell · 16/10/2022 09:18

Used to be now he's an ex.

Bananalanacake · 16/10/2022 09:24

If you tell him you want to live separately but still see him how would he react. Don't waste anymore time with him. Does he have any good points

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 16/10/2022 09:43

I had one of these. I left him and my life is so much better. Leave, it won't improve.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 16/10/2022 09:47

OP, your partner sounds like my EX.
He used to interrupt/talk over me when I was speaking to friends, family, my kids and himself. He used to start a conversation with me when I was on the phone or try and make a conversation with the person I was on the phone to.
It drove me BONKERS. In the end if he interrupted me when I started talking I simply stopped dead what I was saying and got on with something else and when he eventually asked what I wanted to say I waved a hand and said I had forgotten.
My daughter stated with the same trait. My stopping dead the convo trained her to wait for another to finish first....she was 9.
My EX was also shouty and angry and is still the same. It is no way to live.
Get yourself in employment again and get your ducks in a row. This is what I did and totally disengaged until I was more secure to do it alone. It was totally liberating.
Life since separation had been wonderful.
Good luck OP x

KettrickenSmiled · 16/10/2022 15:28

I read a lot about narcissists and recognise traits in him but not all.

You don't need a label for his appalling behaviour.
You don't need to try to understand him.
You don't need to excuse him.
You don't need to tolerate him.

You also don't need his permission or acceptance to end it.

He treats you horribly - it's ok to end it.
What is your living situation, & how easy would it be to walk away?

Always4Brenner · 16/10/2022 15:33

Leaving a grumpy shouty bloke tomorrow I’m finally going, depression brought me to last years mistakes a friend has backed me up saying ‘he’s brought you down big time’ so leave it won’t get any better. Are you already dreading Christmas because it will be him being grumpy bad tempered etc? Been there done that for years this year totally different I’ll be broke but happier.

PrioritiseCalm · 16/10/2022 15:40

Do you have kids op?

EarthSight · 16/10/2022 17:55

I wouldn't say it's normal, but unpleasant behaviours seems to get worse as men age. They get angrier, grumpier and more arrogant.

he says to me he has no empathy gene so it doesn't make any difference to him. I read a lot about narcissists and recognise traits in him but not all

Have you looked at psychopath traits? If he's extremely low in empathy he could be one. They don't all commit crime and land in jail.

EarthSight · 16/10/2022 17:57

@Always4Brenner Did he get worse as he got older? Not just to you, but generally? I have the impression that men get more bad tempered over time, but it's not like happy women are going to be posting a lot on here. I'm most likely going to ready posts from women whose husbands have worsened over the decades, so I'm not sure if my impression is an accurate one.

Always4Brenner · 16/10/2022 18:13

EarthSight · 16/10/2022 17:57

@Always4Brenner Did he get worse as he got older? Not just to you, but generally? I have the impression that men get more bad tempered over time, but it's not like happy women are going to be posting a lot on here. I'm most likely going to ready posts from women whose husbands have worsened over the decades, so I'm not sure if my impression is an accurate one.

Yes definitely two years I was thinking I can’t do this for the next t 20 years.

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